Looking back~

Looking back is never really a good idea. I know this. But I just happened to pick up an old diary/day planner today from last year, and, just flipping through, saw every four out of seven days marked with the word 'sick'.

I saw events that I had written in, only to be updated with a cross next to them, signifying that I wasn't able to go because of health reasons.

And yet, I sit here today, wondering why I haven't heard from many of my friends in some time.

I want to get over feeling sorry for myself, but today I'm going to allow it to happen. I want comfort food, and cuddles. I want things that make me feel loved and happy.

And I don't want to think about the fact that, lately, when I call people, they are too busy to speak with me. For whatever reason. I don't want to be angry with them. I don't want to feel sorry for myself. I just want to be.

Perhaps it is time, once again, for me to read 'How to Be Sick' and remember why I am the way I am. And why I love being that person.

Love to all who read.

2 comments blah, friends, thoughts

kitchen table musings: on friendship

I think if you go back through my posts you'll most likely find many posts on friendship - what it is to me, what it seems to be to others, why I sometimes have problems with it.
I have realised recently that I may actually be quite socially inept. Sure, I can observe behaviour and understand it til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I'm much better at replicating it.
I spent a large amount of my teenage years working on my blushing habits - I used to turn a bright red at the mention of anything near-sexual or suggestive. Now, my blush is virtually non-existant. I can't really say it's because of my work on not being surprised by much at all, because it may also be because of my getting sick and having 'pale' as my default setting.
I also spent high school around many individuals that were extremely selfish, or only did things for want of a better social opinion. I have always found this rather tiresome, and yet I was almost a classic example of teacher's pet right up until I started getting sick.

Thinking about friendship just this morning, I acknowledge that it is a good thing to have. I know this deep within me. I have read enough stories and heard enough tales that I know most people reach their deathbed and think back on the friendships and relationships they've had - perhaps not the books they've read (this is a wild generalisation, but bear with me here).
So, I know that friends are invaluable. And I am particularly lucky that I am friends with not only my family, but with my partner, too. You know those couples that say "I'm dating/I married my best friend"? I feel that way quite constantly. Even though it took me some time to actually let Xin in to my heart properly, I never regret doing so.
I have a very small group of other friends that I don't contact/see very often, but never fail to lift my spirits. I have one friend in particular at the moment who may be the sweetest thing since strawberries and every now and then I get a message from her just reminding me that she thinks I'm wonderful. It's these little happenings that make me shout "this! this is what I want in friendship!"
But I am at a point in my life where I am vastly aware of the gaping holes in my life that could be filled by good friends. It does not concern me overly much, as that means there are always opportunities to make new friends, and to find new and more amazing people. What I find consistently tiresome is continuously feeling neglected by some of my current friends. And I have spent countless hours trying to figure out whether it was my doing or just them, or perhaps a combination of both, that I have just reached a point where I no longer care. I have laboured over this problem for so long that I feel that if I am not getting what I need out of this friendship - if I feel it is no longer lighting me up and making me feel loved - then I simply neglect to turn on the part of my emotions that allows me to worry over it.
This has meant a lot of lonely times of late, but I am hardly the first person to have to deal with that. And I think it's also giving me new ways to occupy myself, and to invest in myself rather than spending so much energy on someone else. Right now, I care about my dreams.
And, call me selfish, but I don't have the energy to deal with someone else's stuff. If I can paraphrase Havi Brooks of Fluent Self - people need to own their stuff. They can't just give it to me and expect me to deal with it. Because, hey, I've got my own stuff to deal with!

And right now, my stuff involves taking pills, eating strawberries, and doing some more writing.
Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment friends, musings, thoughts

Community

This evening I went to a place I used to regularly be. That’s a bit of a lie, actually. It was a new place, but the same people that I used to be around fairly often.

And yet I am rarely around them even once a month now. Sometimes even less than that.

My partner still goes to this place – still goes to see these people.

But I do not.

Going there tonight was pleasant to begin with – a lot of people were surprised to see me and I received excited hugs and cuddles. But after a second discussion had finished, I realised I was not feeling the excitement and happiness anymore. And it was not because I don’t like being around these people anymore. It was difficult to think about, but I had this overwhelming sinking feeling and needed to address it.

I thought – perhaps it’s because I’ve been feeling sick for so long and I have just expended my last remaining energy? No. I am exhausted and sore and tired, but I was not grumpy and upset about this.

Perhaps it was because people weren’t paying attention to me anymore? Maybe. But I wasn’t entirely convinced.

By becoming sick, I have been forced to isolate myself a lot more than I first thought possible. I still do not feel I am ready to return to Facebook, and yet my absence from this place of social networking only adds to my isolation.

Most days I can deal with this. Most of the time. I take pleasure in smaller things – a good book, a good tv series, being able to write, spending time outside. Cultivating respect and love for myself.

But I no longer feel as if I have a community – if I ever did in the first place. My sense of community and support feels challenged. And I find it very frustrating because I have taken steps to talk to people that I want to be friends with before, only to be met with them being too busy to talk to me, me being to shy or too sick to keep going… Lack of contact and then the withering of that connection.

I do understand that seeking online or more electronic means of friendship may be advantageous to me, but I have yet to find someone interested in this more distant friendship… Let alone them being available enough to talk, or interested in the same things I am.

I feel as if there is a culture of misunderstanding and difference with many of the friendships I keep. I wish to feel more like myself around those that I love, but at this point I only feel strong enough to do that around a maximum of about six people – and that’s including my parents. Even with them I must keep things to myself.

I have often come back to this problem of friendship. Perhaps it needs more action and less thought. Or perhaps it is action that I currently cannot provide.

I feel that I am coming from a place of deep sadness and loneliness now, so I believe I'll go find something to cheer myself up.

Love to all who read.

2 comments friends, thoughts

Beautiful.

This beautiful post by Leonie has got me crying.


http://leoniedawson.com/how-to-become-your-own-best-friend/

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment friends, love

connection

today I am pondering connection. (a topic that, realistically, isn't ever far from my mind.)
connection is a topic that is very close to my heart since I realised how much I crave and need it in my life. when I talk of connection here, it is usually connection with friends and relatives, but I also use the word connection to umbrella a number of things - connection with myself and my inner power, connection with nature, connection with literature... I could go on.


right now, I am pondering connection with others. I have often considered myself someone who survives relatively well in social situations. realistically, sometimes I shut down when there's too many people to talk to - too many people to process. often at parties you would find me sitting outside looking at the stars while everyone else was inside dancing or yelling at each other over the inordinately loud music. when I couldn't go outside, you'd find me as close to a corner as possible, trying to have a decent conversation with someone.
Sure, sometimes I go out to dance and I'm not at all interested in talking to people (this is quite rare, but does happen). At those times I usually need to get something out of my system. I need to feel wild and crazy for awhile and just move my body until I'm sufficiently exhausted. These times occur maybe... three times a year?


The thing is, I prefer deep and meaningful discussions with people I care deeply about, rather than meaningless utterings that last maybe a couple of minutes before you move on to someone else (goodness, thank the fates I have Xin, I'd be awful at speed-dating XD).


My thoughts on this stem from going out last night for the first time in awhile. I have been craving connection with people outside my immediate loves - I have been wanted to see others, to experience other's energies. And I did. And I loved it. But the problem now is - it has made me crave more. And now that I don't have Facebook, it is much more difficult for me to contact them. Because facebook did offer me the ease and gentleness of suggesting to someone - "oh wow I loved catching up with you last night! let us get together for a hot beverage sometime :D" - whereas now I'm feeling as if I'm cast adrift in a sea of 'not-knowing-what-to-do'. I have withdrawn from social arenas for some time because of being so busy and, lately, being so sick once more. but there are people outside of my family, Xin, and Chris, that I wish to heart-connect with.


Probably my tactic will end up being - I miss them. therefore I will message them/contact them in any way I can. now. and if they don't wish to continue a connection with me, I will back off, lick my wounds, and try someone else. I always have my immediate family and adopted family for support <3


love to all who read.

source: here

4 comments emotions, family, friends, love, musings, thoughts

Missing people~

I've written on the topic of friends many times, but I don't think it's ever something I'm going to move away from.
Different people have different views of what friends should be like. Really, we give our friends a lot of jobs to do, and they (usually) expect the same from us. And when you find a friendship that truly makes you light up, you want to give everything to that cause to keep it going - to keep that light in flame.


My main problem is coming across as clingy (it may not be my main problem, actually, but for argument's sake, let's say it is). I sometimes get 'addicted' to certain friends and can't seem to get enough of them. Like I'm kind of addicted to eating Nando's right now... Spending time with these friends is like a salve for my heart, a boost for my dreams, and a pillow to rest on - all at the same time. I like to think that I'm like that to other people, too.
But when you miss someone, it's so difficult to move through that feeling. When I miss someone, I just want to see them as soon as I can, and then give them many cuddles, or get straight into the 'deep and meaningful' chats. And that's difficult. Because, well, life goes on. My friends are often busy with their own lives, and usually I'm either too sick or too busy to commit to any big things.
So I go on missing them. And that's okay - it shows that I still care about them. But I'm still learning how to deal with it and recognise it as HEALTHY, rather than needy.


Love to those who read <3

2 comments friends, love, musings, warm fuzzies

writing about the same thing.

oh well hi! I'm writing about emotions again and it's tow days later than my last post! :D <----I wish I felt as happy as this fellow about all this XD

This post will be more about relationships. It seems that I have a tendency to form insecure attachments to certain people in my life. I am unsure why I do this, or how I started doing it, but here I am. I get addicted, I get worried that I will lose them, I start trying not to care whether I lose them or not, I sometimes even hang around for a bit if I feel they're treating me badly. (Which they're probably bound to do. I tend to act like a creature that Liz Gilbert referred to as herself - a mixture between a labrador retriever and a limpet.. Ridiculously friendly and clingy.) I have tried to break this cycle. I have blamed others, and I have blamed myself. More often than not it has been myself that I have blamed. Sometimes the source of my addiction will try to help me. They'll try to make me see that I'm a wonderful person. And I know I am, it's just it's hard to feel that and to KEEP knowing it when I feel like a creature of some people's nightmares. Why do I form these insecure attachments to some people and not others? And WHY do I get addicted at all?

These questions (and a few more that I feel need answering) are why I have decided to go back to seeing a counsellor next year. Writing my blog posts on depression and anxiety over at tuneinnoutout have really indicated that I'm doing great with my depression, but that I could always use a bit more assistance. Sometimes things just really go to shit for me, and not for any particular reason aside from THEY CAN.

And with that, dear friends and lurkers, I am going to go and lie down with some books. >rubs eyes< >sighs<

Leave a Comment emotions, friends

friendships

I have actually known this for some time, but it's something that I have yet to confront on any one of my blogs in a proper manner. When it comes to friendships - real, beautiful, supportive friendships - I often go through a series of emotions and reactions.


I'll usually feel extremely happy that someone wants to be my friend (as long as I admire and respect them), and feel a little bit amazed that they actually want to get to know me. If the person is amazing (as many of my friends are) I will often become infatuated - smitten in a friend-like manner - with them, and want to spend a lot of time with them. This can be difficult for people to take. I'm very much of the mind that life is short - so if I like someone and really want to thank them for being there for me, I will do so now rather than later (or never). This is very important to me - I see people every day being helped by friends, family, strangers! and they don't even realise that the help they got was invaluable to where they are today. So, you got a new job/interest/love? What about the person that suggested you go for the job when they found it? What about the person who helped you to perfect your resume? What about the person that listened to some music and immediately thought of you - or even put together a CD of stuff for you to listen to? These may all seem like small things - ultimately it will probably be your energies and efforts that will give you the push you need to get somewhere, but that doesn't mean you can't take note and thank the people in your life that gave you the tools to build that ladder.


Anyway, back to my reaction to friendships. One other thing that I tend to go through (without wanting to a lot of the time..) is paranoia and jealousy. The paranoia has been built up from experiences in high school and primary school, and a little past that - friends that weren't there when I needed them to be, that abandoned me for someone more 'interesting' or 'fun'. That reacted in stupid ways to my depression. This is something I'm working on - I really don't want to continue being the person who worries that their friends are just humouring them and will leave at the first sign of something else to do. I'm doing better with this - at recognising why people want to be friends with me in the first place (difficult), but it still needs work.
Jealousy is... interesting. Mostly because I tend to feel it more in my friendships and other relationships than within my intimate relationship with Xin. I have just gotten to the point where I trust Xin so totally that I only feel jealous if a girl is really trying to get his attention. Then I just want to hit her XD
But within friendships? For some reason, friends that I adore hanging out with their other friends that they adore? Makes me jealous. Isn't that ridiculous? Well. Maybe not  ridiculous, but a bit needless. I think, most of the time, I want them to want to see me as much as I want to see them, which is rare. I get excited about friendships very easily XD I'm not entirely sure how to work on this except to try and back off from the friendship a little bit so I don't have to care as much. I think I need a new tactic.


Anyway. This was mostly just rambling to get my thoughts out so I could look at them, instead of having them float around my head all the time! Hope all is well with those who read <3

Leave a Comment friends, thoughts

Friday Chicken: belated, but not beloved.

here we go again~~


bad stuff.
sick sick sick.
my body seemed to be throwing quite a bit at me this week - it was rather alarming! three migraines, multiple stomach problems (not too severe, thankfully), flu/cold-type symptoms, chronic fatigue fogginess. random pains! not-so-random pains! XD


stuck stuck stuck.
there has been a couple of shoes thrown in my direction this week. I've done my best to react calmly and in an understanding way - after all, shoes aren't about me, they're about the shoe-thrower. I wrote some letters-that-will-never-be-delivered - secret letters. these made me feel better - I'm liking them as a tactic for coping and calming. certain shoes were harder to deal with than others. mostly because of the particular thrower-of-shoes. and my relationship with them. it was confusing and hurtful, and it required a bit of working. still does. and thus - stuckifiedness. especially today!


missing!!
Xin has been away a lot over the past week and a half - I'm so happy he's having fun and doing stuff he wants to do, but I'm missing him awfully. he's over in Sydney right now, shopping and having fun (i think. XD), so I can't wait til I get to see him again. but of course, he has work, so that will have to wait too. which is okay! i want to be supportive. ^_^ it's hard, but time alone never hurt me [much] before! XD


ick.
when do I ever have a week without the awful ick-monster? that's okay, though, because i'm getting better at dealing with him/her.


misunderstanding.
there has been some silence on the part of a lot of friends, and some demanding on the parts of others. both are making me uncomfortable and sometimes upset. this still requires some strength and working.




good stuff.


rest!
i've realised that i'm an expert rester. i've gotten really good at realising how often i need to rest, and how to rest effectively. going stir-crazy is still a risk, but i can often counteract that with some careful yoga or some daydreaming about things that could happen AFTER assignmenting is done. (three weeks left!)
this has also brought to my attention how bad at resting others are. the reactions of some people to how much i rest is another addition to the ick, but i'm trying hard to hold onto my rights as an olympic rester.


books!
falling in love with another author. yay~ i want to run up to the person who introduced me to her and give them a big hug... hmm. perhaps a msg-form hug will do :D


progress!
i have come up with a new code-phrase for 'study' - the word 'study' makes me feel like i should be chained to a desk, only leaving to see to basic things like using the bathroom. sunlight is absolutely not allowed, nor is resting. this is not a good place for me to be in! so now, 'study' shall be referred to as "Gleeful Progress Time". doesn't that sound more inviting? it also helps with procrastination for me, though that is still something that needs work!


small things.
i have been relying a little more on my powers of observation and childlike wonder lately - small things are what get me through the day sometimes. things like postcards from a friend <3, little msgs from another sweet friend, homemade cupcakes from my brother's girlfriend, new books, and new tea. tea in general. sunlight and changing leaves (the chinese tallow in our backyard has decided it's officially autumn - it's beautiful). songs of simple joviality. wearing my favourite seven-year-old shoes (my shoes could be in 2nd grade! XD) and admiring the holes in them.


morning routines.
they are really making things easier and more fun. they make the day easier to start, and I get excited about getting up to do them. they could possibly come under the "small things" subtitle, but they are big and lovely for me right now. like a sort of morning firework filled with sunshine and shiny. XD








NEW: What I want from this week...


~more understanding. more human contact.
~more personal work in terms of dealing with loneliness and unhappy emotions.
~more morning routines! hopefully something that I ordered for my yoga practice will come this week...
~speaking of packages - books! I ordered one ages ago...still waiting... XD
~more planning. progress.
~more small, joyful, gleeful, beautiful things! (warm fuzzies?)

Leave a Comment family, friday chicken, friends, ick, warm fuzzies

thoughts and feelings.

I get the vibe that ALL my posts should have this title.

Anyway. Recently, Xin and I house-sat for a few friends while they were at a convention. It was the third time we've done it for them, and I usually really enjoy it. They have many lovely pets, each with beautiful personalities and different ways of showing affection. And I think they're really starting to warm to us! XD However, this time round, as much as I still enjoyed the experience, I was quite out of it and sick. I couldn't sleep much at all, which meant that Xin was worried and would stay up with me to keep me company - it was lovely, but I hated putting him through that strain since he gets really delirious when he's even a little tired.

It was quite late by the time the house-owners returned, but it was clear that they were as exhausted (if not more so) as us, so we just chatted and hugged for a bit before heading home. I followed Xin home since he gets quite 'drift-y' when he drives tired, and then I drove home myself.

Since then I haven't really recovered. My tiredness started getting ridiculous, and I've been sort of half-blacking-out over the past four days. I've been checking my blood pressure, and it's on the low side. The lowest it's been so far was something like 106 over 57, which apparently means I need to consult my doctor. My mum is worried since she's suffered with high blood pressure (as has my Nana), so she doesn't want me to have to deal with either end of the spectrum.

Blah. anyway. I've trying to stay positive and hopeful about things, especially since I have an assignment due next Monday. I'm quite happy with my progress on it, though I had hoped to have more done by now. I have banned myself from Facebook for the time being, since it mostly just distracts me, so withdrawal symptoms on that are a bit rife XD

I'm so happy right now since I spent some time with Xin today, and we talked through our assignments an it just made me feel a lot  better. Plus it's raining right now!! :D (the timer thing on my blog is a bit weird, so if it doesn't say it correctly, it's 11:50PM right now..)

I'm hoping to get rest and study done tomorrow, and make some progress toward getting my second draft done and such. And hopefully less dizzy and headacheyness! And a visit to the library!:D

Ah optimism. You're a beautiful thing.

Leave a Comment blah, friends, health, sick, study, Xin