Sunday, June 3, 2012
today I am pondering connection. (a topic that, realistically, isn't ever far from my mind.)
connection is a topic that is very close to my heart since I realised how much I crave and need it in my life. when I talk of connection here, it is usually connection with friends and relatives, but I also use the word connection to umbrella a number of things - connection with myself and my inner power, connection with nature, connection with literature... I could go on.

right now, I am pondering connection with others. I have often considered myself someone who survives relatively well in social situations. realistically, sometimes I shut down when there's too many people to talk to - too many people to process. often at parties you would find me sitting outside looking at the stars while everyone else was inside dancing or yelling at each other over the inordinately loud music. when I couldn't go outside, you'd find me as close to a corner as possible, trying to have a decent conversation with someone.
Sure, sometimes I go out to dance and I'm not at all interested in talking to people (this is quite rare, but does happen). At those times I usually need to get something out of my system. I need to feel wild and crazy for awhile and just move my body until I'm sufficiently exhausted. These times occur maybe... three times a year?

The thing is, I prefer deep and meaningful discussions with people I care deeply about, rather than meaningless utterings that last maybe a couple of minutes before you move on to someone else (goodness, thank the fates I have Xin, I'd be awful at speed-dating XD).

My thoughts on this stem from going out last night for the first time in awhile. I have been craving connection with people outside my immediate loves - I have been wanted to see others, to experience other's energies. And I did. And I loved it. But the problem now is - it has made me crave more. And now that I don't have Facebook, it is much more difficult for me to contact them. Because facebook did offer me the ease and gentleness of suggesting to someone - "oh wow I loved catching up with you last night! let us get together for a hot beverage sometime :D" - whereas now I'm feeling as if I'm cast adrift in a sea of 'not-knowing-what-to-do'. I have withdrawn from social arenas for some time because of being so busy and, lately, being so sick once more. but there are people outside of my family, Xin, and Chris, that I wish to heart-connect with.

Probably my tactic will end up being - I miss them. therefore I will message them/contact them in any way I can. now. and if they don't wish to continue a connection with me, I will back off, lick my wounds, and try someone else. I always have my immediate family and adopted family for support <3

love to all who read.

source: here


  1. ♥ Dear lovely Beth, I had the same sort of wonderings not much more than a few months ago. From my experience, I would like to share my own story of how my life has improved from the sad lonely girl who cried all alone on an island inside a war zone of a house, who is now a girl who loves and is loved back, and is becoming the girl hero she wanted to become, one teeny tiny victory at a time.

    Physical and other forms of distance and lack of social media and technological ways of reaching out (easily) can certainly make connection more effort (and perhaps further away), and nearness to places where friends and loved ones are can be so, so important! I certainly have found it to be so. And being someone who lives with chronic illness, and post-traumatic stress disorder, I can sometimes go completely non-functional when out and about. I need at least one capable, well-knowledged, compassionate carer physically near me at all times. And I have dealt with a big world of people who mostly don't understand. As Havi of the Fluent Self has said, your Right People can change everything, for the better. :)

    I would just like to say, I am both passionately and gently always here, and I hope I am one of your Right People. ♥ I want to always be a person who has time for you, and understands, and wants to find joy in knowing you are safe, well, happy and bubbling over with joy and wonder, and being as Bethwyn as you can possibly be. You are enough. You are certainly more than enough to me, and have been an amazing source of comfort, in times when I've cried or been lonely and scared or sad. You are amazing. ♥

    My experience has taught me that wanting something deeply and passionately and constantly is the first step to getting closer to something you need and want more of. Asking others who've had a similar journey helps. ♥ Your Right People are ready and willing to make it happen. ^_^ So it will happen, when you are ready for it. It happened to me exactly as I've described, so I hope it will happen for you, too! :) Love and gentle strength will carry you, or else, you will find the strength to get there, yourself, just as you are, the lovely person you already are. ♥

    Good luck and best wishes on your journey. ♥♥♥

    1. So much love in that comment! I feel it <3 <3

      Thank you so much for sharing part of your story with me. I am finding it difficult lately to reach outside my tiny circle - the two boys in my life are more than amazing to me, and I am trying to reconnect with others, but it feels big and unknown and blargh sometimes.

      I'm also dealing with my identity changing and having to move forward in so many different ways. I realised yesterday that I've been resisting change because I don't know who I'll become after all the transformation is through. Oh, I acknowledged that transformation was happening, but I was fighting it without realising :\

      Thank you for being so kind and wonderful to me lately. I am trying (so hard!) to be the person I want to be. I want people to trust me and talk to me and feel that I am a supportive rock when they need it - because that's what I need too. And I am definitely moving closer to trusting other people with my deeper thoughts.

      Thank you again for your support on my journey. You are so delightful and lovely <3

  2. *lovelovelovelove* I am looking forward to catching up - semester is over soon and I will be more free to do so :) Perhaps we can catch up over hot chocolate or somesuch and you can meet my lovely new boys :)

    1. Yes yes catching up sounds lovely. I'm just finishing my final essay for this semester :D
      Yay! I would love to meet them!! <3


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