Monday, September 17, 2012

kitchen table musings: on friendship

I think if you go back through my posts you'll most likely find many posts on friendship - what it is to me, what it seems to be to others, why I sometimes have problems with it.
I have realised recently that I may actually be quite socially inept. Sure, I can observe behaviour and understand it til the cows come home, but that doesn't mean I'm much better at replicating it.
I spent a large amount of my teenage years working on my blushing habits - I used to turn a bright red at the mention of anything near-sexual or suggestive. Now, my blush is virtually non-existant. I can't really say it's because of my work on not being surprised by much at all, because it may also be because of my getting sick and having 'pale' as my default setting.
I also spent high school around many individuals that were extremely selfish, or only did things for want of a better social opinion. I have always found this rather tiresome, and yet I was almost a classic example of teacher's pet right up until I started getting sick.

Thinking about friendship just this morning, I acknowledge that it is a good thing to have. I know this deep within me. I have read enough stories and heard enough tales that I know most people reach their deathbed and think back on the friendships and relationships they've had - perhaps not the books they've read (this is a wild generalisation, but bear with me here).
So, I know that friends are invaluable. And I am particularly lucky that I am friends with not only my family, but with my partner, too. You know those couples that say "I'm dating/I married my best friend"? I feel that way quite constantly. Even though it took me some time to actually let Xin in to my heart properly, I never regret doing so.
I have a very small group of other friends that I don't contact/see very often, but never fail to lift my spirits. I have one friend in particular at the moment who may be the sweetest thing since strawberries and every now and then I get a message from her just reminding me that she thinks I'm wonderful. It's these little happenings that make me shout "this! this is what I want in friendship!"
But I am at a point in my life where I am vastly aware of the gaping holes in my life that could be filled by good friends. It does not concern me overly much, as that means there are always opportunities to make new friends, and to find new and more amazing people. What I find consistently tiresome is continuously feeling neglected by some of my current friends. And I have spent countless hours trying to figure out whether it was my doing or just them, or perhaps a combination of both, that I have just reached a point where I no longer care. I have laboured over this problem for so long that I feel that if I am not getting what I need out of this friendship - if I feel it is no longer lighting me up and making me feel loved - then I simply neglect to turn on the part of my emotions that allows me to worry over it.
This has meant a lot of lonely times of late, but I am hardly the first person to have to deal with that. And I think it's also giving me new ways to occupy myself, and to invest in myself rather than spending so much energy on someone else. Right now, I care about my dreams.
And, call me selfish, but I don't have the energy to deal with someone else's stuff. If I can paraphrase Havi Brooks of Fluent Self - people need to own their stuff. They can't just give it to me and expect me to deal with it. Because, hey, I've got my own stuff to deal with!

And right now, my stuff involves taking pills, eating strawberries, and doing some more writing.
Love to all who read.

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