This evening I went to a place I used to regularly be. That’s a bit of a lie, actually. It was a new place, but the same people that I used to be around fairly often.
And yet I am rarely around them even once a month now. Sometimes even less than that.
My partner still goes to this place – still goes to see these people.
But I do not.
Going there tonight was pleasant to begin with – a lot of people were surprised to see me and I received excited hugs and cuddles. But after a second discussion had finished, I realised I was not feeling the excitement and happiness anymore. And it was not because I don’t like being around these people anymore. It was difficult to think about, but I had this overwhelming sinking feeling and needed to address it.
I thought – perhaps it’s because I’ve been feeling sick for so long and I have just expended my last remaining energy? No. I am exhausted and sore and tired, but I was not grumpy and upset about this.
Perhaps it was because people weren’t paying attention to me anymore? Maybe. But I wasn’t entirely convinced.
By becoming sick, I have been forced to isolate myself a lot more than I first thought possible. I still do not feel I am ready to return to Facebook, and yet my absence from this place of social networking only adds to my isolation.
Most days I can deal with this. Most of the time. I take pleasure in smaller things – a good book, a good tv series, being able to write, spending time outside. Cultivating respect and love for myself.
But I no longer feel as if I have a community – if I ever did in the first place. My sense of community and support feels challenged. And I find it very frustrating because I have taken steps to talk to people that I want to be friends with before, only to be met with them being too busy to talk to me, me being to shy or too sick to keep going… Lack of contact and then the withering of that connection.
I do understand that seeking online or more electronic means of friendship may be advantageous to me, but I have yet to find someone interested in this more distant friendship… Let alone them being available enough to talk, or interested in the same things I am.
I feel as if there is a culture of misunderstanding and difference with many of the friendships I keep. I wish to feel more like myself around those that I love, but at this point I only feel strong enough to do that around a maximum of about six people – and that’s including my parents. Even with them I must keep things to myself.
I have often come back to this problem of friendship. Perhaps it needs more action and less thought. Or perhaps it is action that I currently cannot provide.
I feel that I am coming from a place of deep sadness and loneliness now, so I believe I'll go find something to cheer myself up.
Love to all who read.