I am having trouble dealing with things today. Not as much trouble as I used to have, thankfully, but still trouble. I often feel myself caught between two worlds - a resident of neither. I am no longer your typical 'chronically ill' person (in my head, that looks like what I dealt with a year and a half ago - spending most of my time in bed, writing when I could. Studying from home and looking for work that I could do at home.); nor am I a busy, healthy person (someone who juggles study and work and other commitments with only the occasional cold or virus to slow them down). Often, when I think about this, it's like I'm in a sort of limbo area between the two of these. I am both, but I am neither.
I know that this is about gently lowering myself into a new role - as you get used to the water in a pool or something like that. I need to reframe the way I see my world - no longer always through my bedroom window, but not always separate from that either.
When Xin and I were talking the other day about what we said we wanted to be when we grew up, he had a couple of ideas back in high school that suited his ambitions of the time, and I remember having thought about being a Vet, and then being a Marine Biologist, but I never really wanted to. They just seemed like... fun. When we started talking about now, neither of us is wholly sure where we're going. I've recently made a jump from psychology to asian studies, never fully knowing what I want to do with either, just knowing that studying seems like something that would be fulfilling for me. I said to Xin - "I don't know what I want to be now. I don't know where I'm going... I want to be a Bethwyn. So far, I'm doing pretty well, I think."
And that basically sums up how things work for me lately. I'm not working to become a perfect image of something, nor am I completely allowing things to pan out with fate/destiny. I'm just trying to be me, wholly me, no restrictions.
Okay, I had to take a short break from the blog post to watch some Bill Bailey videos. I am feeling quite a bit better now. :)
The other topic that I have been considering goes by a few names. "Breaking Down", "Being Emotional", "Letting Go"; that sort of thing.
I once read somewhere that breaking down and crying is not such a good thing, since then it encourages doing so. But, I ask, what is wrong with that? It's possible that me crying may make other people uncomfortable, yes, and I used to have the (somewhat silly) opinion that crying was weakness. Nowadays, I will usually cry if I feel the need to. Which, unfortunately (because even I don't like doing it all the time), is quite often lately. And it adds to my sadness that I feel so alone in this.
I'm getting better at being my own best friend, being there for myself and being ENOUGH. But I still miss being held by someone while I purge my emotions, I miss feeling like I've been HEARD and UNDERSTOOD.
Let's be honest, here, this was brought on by my health today. I feel pretty shoddy, really. And, as per usual, when I feel sick I like to be looked after. Isn't that kind of normal for people? But because I've needed looking after and reassurance so often lately, I am not longer seeking it from outside sources. That feels wrong and...greedy. And I dislike that feeling. I did have more to say on this topic, but the pain in my head is getting worse and I feel nauseous, so it will just have to wait.
Love to all who read. <3
