Tuesday, April 24, 2012

ohai drain.

I am feeling so drained right now. It hit me yesterday. I'm not entirely sure why, but there are little inklings of things that might suggest that what's happening is supposed to happen. my body is screaming at me to rest, despite having rested all weekend. I did go out yesterday morning for x-rays and a bit of shopping with dad, which turned into more shopping than I originally expected, which turned into me coming home and feeling like a brainless blob for the rest of the day (even when Chris and Xin came to visit me. I apologise to both of them if I wasn't forming sentences properly or I was a bit of a downer on the whole experience).

I am at work currently, and just taking a moment to myself to think things out a bit. I don't want to be feeling this way, but at the same time I don't have the physical or emotional energy to fight it anymore. I don't understand it, but at the same time I just don't really care right now whether I'm feeling this way or not.

I have a feeling this is related back to a negative experience I had on the weekend while I was out with Xin (apparently I didn't rest as much as I thought..). The experience made me realise that friendships can take a lot more effort than I am willing to give at times. I'm so tired of caring what people think of me, to be honest. I've thought of patching things up with people I've lost touch with, but I just don't see the point sometimes.

Even now, my thoughts are as clear and coherent as they could be. If I had the option, I would go home and curl up in a ball for a few hours. My emotions feel empty, and yet at the same time they are so close to the surface that I believe on tiny push from an outside source may be enough to start me crying. I don't really feel depressed.. It's not that worthless-nothingness of a depressive episode. I still see the gain in some things - like messaging Xin and Chris in the hopes that they might offer some support or consolation. Or the fact that working -> money. Or even that I have training in ten minutes or so and know that I should be here for that as I've had to cancel it once already.

There is some logic left. But I believe that is only there because tomorrow is a public holiday. And, if I need to, I can curl up in the foetal position and ignore everything for a day. Burnout. Ain't it the best?

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