Thursday, April 12, 2012

This is a blog post.

I am having trouble dealing with things today. Not as much trouble as I used to have, thankfully, but still trouble. I often feel myself caught between two worlds - a resident of neither. I am no longer your typical 'chronically ill' person (in my head, that looks like what I dealt with a year and a half ago - spending most of my time in bed, writing when I could. Studying from home and looking for work that I could do at home.); nor am I a busy, healthy person (someone who juggles study and work and other commitments with only the occasional cold or virus to slow them down). Often, when I think about this, it's like I'm in a sort of limbo area between the two of these. I am both, but I am neither.


I know that this is about gently lowering myself into a new role - as you get used to the water in a pool or something like that. I need to reframe the way I see my world -  no longer always through my bedroom window, but not always separate from that either. 


When Xin and I were talking the other day about what we said we wanted to be when we grew up, he had a couple of ideas back in high school that suited his ambitions of the time, and I remember having thought about being a Vet, and then being a Marine Biologist, but I never really wanted to. They just seemed like... fun. When we started talking about now, neither of us is wholly sure where we're going. I've recently made a jump  from psychology to asian studies, never fully knowing what I want to do with either, just knowing that studying seems like something that would be fulfilling for me. I said to Xin - "I don't know what I want to be now. I don't know where I'm going...  I want to be a Bethwyn. So far, I'm doing pretty well, I think."


And that basically sums  up how things work for me lately. I'm not working to become a perfect image of something, nor am I completely allowing things to pan out with fate/destiny. I'm just trying to be me, wholly me, no restrictions.

Okay, I had to take a short break from the blog post to watch some Bill Bailey videos. I am feeling quite a bit better now. :)

The other topic that I have been considering goes by a few names. "Breaking Down", "Being Emotional", "Letting Go"; that sort of thing.

I once read somewhere that breaking down and crying is not such a good thing, since then it encourages doing so. But, I ask, what is wrong with that? It's possible that me crying may make other people uncomfortable, yes, and I used to have the (somewhat silly) opinion that crying was weakness. Nowadays, I will usually cry if I feel the need to. Which, unfortunately (because even I don't like doing it all the time), is quite often lately. And it adds to my sadness that I feel so alone in this.
I'm getting better at being my own best friend, being there for myself and being ENOUGH. But I still miss being held by someone while I purge my emotions, I miss feeling like I've been HEARD and UNDERSTOOD.


Let's be honest, here, this was brought on by my health today. I feel pretty shoddy, really. And, as  per usual, when I feel sick I like to be looked after. Isn't that kind of normal for people? But because I've needed looking after and reassurance so often lately, I am not longer seeking it from outside sources. That feels wrong and...greedy. And I dislike that feeling. I did have more to say on this topic, but the pain in my head is getting worse and I feel nauseous, so it will just have to wait.

Love to all who read. <3

2 comments:

  1. Hello! This is Skye, I found your blog through Goodreads :) I think that's a really positive conclusion to come to, we don't have to define ourselves by our jobs after all, we're much more than that.

    I've been meaning to ask if you want to catch up some time, when you're feeling well enough. I only work Mon,Wed,Fri at the moment and the Dr has forbidden me to type/write on my days off (like now... ^^;) so I am pretty available. I have some non fiction books that I think you might like, just a hunch.

    skye@thelostprincess.com

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  2. Hi there!! I forgot I put the link on Goodreads.. Haha good detective work :) And thank you. Identity and self are things that I feel I'm continually dealing with.

    Catching up sounds delightful!! I will have to try and let you know once I'm a bit better... Would email be the best form of contact for you? Hahaha any books are wonderful to me ^_^

    <3

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