nameable sickness

I went to see the doctor today since my glands had swollen up quite a bit and I couldn't swallow properly without it hurting... and it turns out I have tonsillitis! D:

So I have to stay away from EVERYONE, especially my brother since he has quite a susceptibility to tonsillitis T^T

This is the first time I've had it (that I can remember..) and it's pretty sucky. mostly because I really like food and now I can't eat most of it D:

What I would really like right now is for Xin to be able to come over and look after me, shower me with gifts to keep me entertained, and also to have my assignments done by themselves. (sounds pretty selfish now I've written it out... but I'm okay with that!)

Even now I'm in pain, REALLY tired but don't want to sleep, and have an upset tummy because of so many liquids, and am a bit delirious because of a raised temperature. it's kind of making me a bit like... WHEEEEEEEEEEEE~ and then T^T SO SLEEPY. so that's a bit weird. XD

I'm wondering if it's going to get bad enough that I'll have to go to the hospital and have the offending tonsils taken out... 

I felt better when the doctor said I had it. Because I had a suspicion, but I'm so used to having unnameable illnesses that I guess I'd assumed on a subconscious level that this one would be the same. But it wasn't! It is a nameable sickness. I feel like I should make myself a get well soon card... but instead I might do some colouring in :D AND THEN make myself a get well soon card. ^_____________^

there are plenty of other things I could ramble about, like how wonderful two of my friends are being about an assignment that we're supposed to be working on together, but I've been too sick to manage much at all lately. They're being so amazing about it. To the point of me wanting to bawl everytime I get another lovely email from them. XD

Oh and also how Xin really really wants to come and look after me, but can't since I'm too contagious. This makes me very very berry sad. I want cuddles and someone to make soup for meeee T_T But I shall have to chug on alone~ He is loving me from afar ^_^

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Realisations.

This is what I wrote Sunday 20th, but did not post:
I have realised that, despite my best efforts at the opposite, I have still been living according to other's expectations of me. I had a rather long day yesterday dealing with health, pain, and emotions - all mixed into one big ball of ick called Bethwyn.

Xin was trying to be supportive, whilst also being in pain himself and having to deal with a lot of stuff that was radiating off of me. (No, I'm not Nuclear or anything, I meant in terms of emotions and coping XD.) 


And now onto today! Yay. :D

I have been feeling in great need of some sort of sanctuary lately, so I've been making efforts for my bedroom to feel more like one. However, there's a flaw there. It's still in my parents house. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my parents, I'm so happy to be living here, and I really appreciate that they allow me to still be dependent on them for basic things because of my health. I'm a pretty ideal situation. But that doesn't mean I can't dream about having my own place. Not even my own, but a place with Xin. We have been dreaming of that since... well, since about a month after we started dating, I suppose. XD
I want to have a place to burn my aromatherapy oils, walk around in peace, feel safe and comforted by, and, ultimately, to call my own place of serenity.


Today was quite lovely, despite certain things. My back has been really hurting lately, and it really looks like I'm going to have to make an appointment with my chiropractor to sort things out, because it's starting to affect my mobility and left leg and such. T_T
BUT. An old friend dropped by for a visit (and Xin was already here - yay!), and he gave me a painting he'd done for me months ago. It's beautiful and is now hanging above my bed :D
I also got a letter in the mail from a dear friend that I don't see enough of, who sent me gifts from an event that I couldn't attend with her due to a migraine and emotional stuffs. I hope she knows how much it meant to me. <3
Finally, of course, there was times with Xin. He was wonderful and gave me a backrub to help with the pain. :) <3 <3


My thoughts tonight are on one-sided relationships. And wondering if they need to exist... or if it's always worth purging them. I'm intrigued. And at the same time frustrated and saddened by some of the ones that I'm trying to work through right now. I feel that mostly it's my paranoia... I have to keep confirming with many people that I am not bothering them and that they actually WANT to talk to me. Because I often feel like my little acts of kindness (like random hugs and such....to try and bring some sunshine) are irritations. To be honest, if that IS actually the case, I wish they would just tell me so I could exert my energies elsewhere. Like with friends who always express that they want to spend time with me :)


Anyway, I might get going. Pain is icky and I need something yummy (maybe), a heat pack (yes please), and some painkillers (don't want to, but really really have to!). love~

1 comment confuddlism, friends, health, ick, Xin

Today was beautiful, thanks to two friends.

One who lives in America, and I met online. She is the nicest person I've ever met, and always makes me feel better regardless of everything.

 

The other, I went to visit. And we had tea and biscuits and talked about anything and everything. And it was lovely.

Both of them are so important to me, and I am ever thankful they are in my life. <3

Leave a Comment friends

IckyIckyBlahBlah.

Okay. Sorry for not posting yesterday, but there was too much going on.

Since my doctor's appointment on Thursday I've been a bit nervous about the tests and such (I've even put off booking my ultrasound until next week because I don't think I can face it as strongly as I wanted to right now...). Yesterday morning I woke up with my usual stomach pain and nausea, and barely managed half an apple for breakfast along with my usual assortment of pills. From here, I headed off to uni. Two buses (including one strange lady who hassled an international student about being on the phone when no one was there or something...) later, I arrived somewhat refreshed by the journey. I liked what I was wearing (a long purple tie-dye skirt, a new op-shop find tshirt with a cute girl and puppy on it, my black flats, and my two layered headband), my stomach ache had dimmed somewhat, and I was ready to face my class and such. First I had a bit more food (a pumpkin turnover... MMMM lovely!) before Xin came to meet me and we headed off to our Sexology class.

The class was about Language and Sexophosy yesterday, and also discussing our interpretation of the films we had watched the previous week. It was a really fun class! Very interesting and amusing. Our lecturer is really up-front and great. He makes the class really interesting and witty. :P At the end of class, we were charged with getting into our pairs and talking about the topic we want to do research on. Because of my health issues, I had previously asked my lecturer if I could go with Xin, since my health issues will be less of a problem with him. My lecturer agreed. SO. Xin and I got together, and we were really keen to research Polyamory, so we discussed what we wanted to focus on. Our lecturer even recommended a book to us, which I plan to borrow off a dear friend, if I may. Xin and I are pretty excited about the whole assignment!

I was previously scheduled to go to an organisation visit that morning, before class, but I can tell you it's lucky I didn't. I would have been pretty useless, since I couldn't move without hurting or feeling like I was going to throw up. It's a miracle I got myself on the first bus to uni at all...

Anyway, after class Xin and I went to the library to photocopy readings and such for next week, but not before I got a phone call from Mum. It turns out my Nana had a small stroke yesterday, but she seems to be okay. They kept her in overnight for observation, because sometimes a bigger stroke can be coming. My mood kind of plummeted after hearing that, but yes. Everyone I spoke to about it was very supportive and lovely..

I'm also feeling confused about some dreams I had last night, which I may need to discuss with Xin. Or a psychologist. XD

Leave a Comment blah, family, health, study, Xin

In Repair.

Lately, I have been getting frustrated, angry, upset, nothingy, and anxious about constantly having to deal with physical and mental health ickyness.

But what if, to an extent, people are always "in repair"? We're always working on our own stuff, it's just sometimes it's easier to move through, and sometimes it's like trying to carry many vampire elephants on your shoulders (they're heavy as hell, and suck the life right out of you!).

So I think I need to just get past the horrible feelings of having-to-do-this-all-over-again-oh-my-goodness-when-can-I-get-past-all-this and move onto actually working on the ickyness itself.

Some friends have been extremely supportive, others I don't know how to approach, and, when I do, the experience ends up making me feel like it isn't worth it.

I'm currently working on making my desk space (and the area above my desk) nice and inspiring so that I don't feel so distracted and horrible when I'm studying. I'm going to put together and inspiration board in here (like I do sometimes in my bedroom), and I'm going to put things that bring the warm fuzzies around on the shelf above my desk. I'm also working on myself, and I'm going to try to be more expressive in different kinds of ways - like painting, writing, drawing, scribbling, etc. I'm also going to try writing down things that help with talking to the ickyness, since I seem to be encountering the same stuff over and over.

In other news, I saw my doctor today. Some painful prods, blood tests, and discussion later, I was feeling a bit worse than before. I had already been feeling pretty faint, and then they took three full vials of blood out of me XD I ended up having to nap for a long time when I got home, and I'm trying to eat some sweet stuff to restore my blood sugar level.

Finally, just a note on my day (apart from doctor's visits and ickyness). Xin and I headed out to go op-shopping for kids toys for where he works, since often clients come in with their kids. It was a pretty fun expedition, and we got to see a friend that we hadn't seen in some time, so that was good. Xin ended up with quite a few decent toys, and I picked up a cute little sequin top, complete with a pretty girl and her dog, and a nice argyle-style scarf. I adore op-shopping!

Anyway, I would like to get some readings done if I can focus (>remains hopeful<), so off I trot~ I might also see if I can find a new book to become absorbed in... nothing is tickling my fancy lately!

1 comment blah, confuddlism, health, sick, warm fuzzies, Xin

Taking It Slow

That's the easiest way to handle things lately.

My mind is exhausted from battling itself and the medication.

My body is just exhausted.

Onwards.

Leave a Comment blah, health, rambling, random, sick

Lots of talk.

Things are still quite confused. But I had a relaxing day today (aside from all the pain in my stomach, lower back, and legs), just doing things as they came to me. Just basic things like playing Kingdom Hearts on DS, watching How I Met Your Mother, reading, snuggling little Bronte, and drinking Peach Iced Tea Cordial.

Oh, and organising the bathroom a bit.

Anyway, beside all that, I have my period. It's not a great one, but it's not absolutely HORRIBLE. I just need to rest and take things slow. Which is supremely frustrating since I really need to study. But people around me are being so supportive  and lovely that I'm thinking a bit better on the whole topic.

I'm still not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. Hopefully somewhere in my plans will be 'get some study done', and... oh wait. I was going to say 'op-shopping to cheer myself up' but I have no money. XD So maybe not! I get money on Thursday though... just a little bit to keep me going from Mum.

I think I'd like to do some colouring in tomorrow. I want to colour in pictures of cute woodland animals, like deer, hares, squirrels, hedgehogs, and foxes. Yes I do.

I also want to write. Maybe I'll try to combine the two somehow. These are just little things to keep me cheerful and...well, keep me going. What do you do to cheer up?

So CUTE.

Love this..

PS. XIN IS AWESOME. he went out and bought me caramello icecream to help with the ow. ^_^

Leave a Comment love, rambling, toozday

I'm still here.

Last night was my birthday party. A long awaited and oft-stress-inducing event.

I really thought that I would make a minute by minute entry of what happened from the time I got up yesterday, but I really don't feel that I need to. Each of those moments existed, and then they left, and that's okay.

The party itself was lovely. I felt a little frazzled all night (I believe this was a result of sensory over-stimulation that had accumulated over the course of the week), and I also felt like I wanted to just sit down and have people come up and give me big birthday hugs. But I kept going!

The people who did end up turning up were so lovely to be around. There was so much love and joy in the air, and just...beautiful excitement at being in the same room together. To me, the air practically fizzed.

My Dad made a beautiful speech about me - I can honestly say that it was everything that I wanted to hear.. and when it was given I couldn't say I knew what to do with myself. And then suddenly it was MY turn to speak! I believe I made a short comment on how important everyone was to me, but I was getting dangerously close to tears at that point, and had to just choke it out and try to move on..

I wish I could of had more time to just have beautiful long discussions with each person that was there, but unfortunately the sheer magnitude of people didn't allow for it. There were particular people that I really wanted to talk to, but didn't know what to say.

Finally, the presents. Oh my goodness I was spoiled rotten! Such beautiful and wonderful and lovely things I did get. I plan to create some little thankyou templates on my computer, and then hand write each one to send out. Though there were two presents without markings/cards, so I don't know who they're from... Might have to chase that down.

I realised today that I'm not okay right now. I've been hiding behind a bit of a shield of "okay", which is not healthy for me. I'm still dealing with a lot of things, and as such day-to-day life is becoming dangerously difficult for me. Like my meltdown in late 2009.

I had a bit of a discussion with Xin about it all, but it's difficult there too, since he's sick himself right now (something he caught from me...) and I don't want to put anymore emotional bigness on his shoulders.I think tomorrow I will make an appointment to see my counselor at uni, because otherwise I'm dangerously close to letting things completely overwhelm me.

I think I worry when this happens that I can't tell anyone else, for fear that they'll stop talking to me because they don't want to "add to my troubles" etc - which is a very lovely thing to think, but I honestly need those extra troubles to distract me from my own. Plus, I still need a wondrous support network of lovely to keep me going through.

I'm going to over-love myself here and say that I have so much inner strength when it comes to these sorts of things that I tend to think I can tackle anything that gets thrown at me. Sometimes I really need to realise that, while I'm giving my body rest, I am not doing the same for my emotions. And they are extremely important to me.

Things feel a little confuddled right now.

We are being speechy and teary~ <3

Leave a Comment birthday, confuddlism, health, love

A new method.

If you do nothing else today, find something new.

Listen to a new band (hints: J Minus, Owl Eyes).

Find a new book (hints: The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, The Secret Lives of Dress)

Start collecting something. (hints: fabric offcuts, pebbles, leaves, seaglass).

Eat something new (hints: homemade humus, a green omelette!)

Drink something new (hints: ginger tea, rosemary tea, spearmint and chamomile tea, what about a new juice?)

Speaking of juice, I promised some friends I'd put up the recipe for my new drink - Summer Puppy.

So HERE! ^_^

Summer Puppy.

Equal parts Cranberry & Apple Juice, and Blueberry Juice.

A dash of grenadine (pomegranate syrup) to taste - depends on how sweet you like it.

Frozen blueberries for cute cooling options!

Combine the juices and syrup and put into cute bottles or jugs. Only add the frozen blueberries when you plan to serve! They're nicest while still frozen.

And that is the Summer Puppy. ^_^ Drink with wonderful friends while enjoying a picnic or a beach trip, or even just at home while enjoying the sunshine. <3

Leave a Comment recipes, warm fuzzies

Okay, yes, I've been neglecting my blogging again.

But I'm really working hard on my own stuff right now and it's just so hard to remember sometimes! A lame excuse I know.

Just know, dear quiet readers (if you are in fact there...) that I am learning and trying a little each day, and slowly coming to terms with certain things.

I'm also learning about what it takes to build friendships, and how sometimes the process seems to be the same, but sometimes it's completely and utterly different. And that doesn't just depend on you, it depends on the person you're trying to make friends with. I know that seems like something really obvious to say, but it's something I've been considering and musing over for a little bit today.

P.S. I made humus today! Yay. ^_^

P.P.S. I will EVENTUALLY get up to writing a VPA post...if I think of anything new that I haven't already asked for. XD Oh! A lovely birthday party would be nice?

Leave a Comment random

Okay, so yeh. I haven't posted in four days. But I honestly have decent reasons. (Not that I really need to, but hey.)

Reasons include: It was my birthday on the 2nd (I'm now 21~), I've been a pretty bad haze of medication side-effects and horrible bugs, and finally I've been thinking over and planning a lot of things.

I'm okay with breaking my rule of writing once a day every day for a month... Because I'm doing this for me. And I'm pretty flexible.

Sigh. I feel low. Going to go and make myself feel better.

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Very Personal Ads #4

Okay I'm a bit blah and feeling very defeated right now, but ritual is good, so here goes.

(p.s. want to know more about VPAs? Visit Havi Brooks here!)

Okay, on with the show!

thing one: relief

whatiwant.

what with my usual body problems, plus the addition of the side-effects from the new medication, plus dealing with this silly heat wave (SILLY!)... I'm having a bit of trouble  keeping things together. I want relief from this ongoing pain and sickness, I want to stop feeling guilty for no reason, and I want to start going back to the things that I'm missing out on because of all this stuff. Far and above, I want to feel healthy.

howthiscouldhappen.

My body could start to recover on it's own. Pretty sure this is going to happen eventually (lots of hope and faith), but I just wish it would hurry up a bit. It's too hard to keep having these days of feeling all-round sick. It's weighing heavily on my shoulders, and on the shoulders of those around me that have to pick up the slack.

I could start going to acupuncture, like I've always planned to. I need to make an appointment really. So this is an active and healthy option that I need to get on top of. I think it's just because I've been living in a haze of side-effects and other things that I haven't managed to do it yet..

Someone could suggest some other magic cure  to me. Although I really doubt this is going to happen. XD

mycommitment.

To try and be healthy and care for myself as much as I can. To remember that caring for myself is my first priority.

To remember that even though this is unfortunate and quite hard to get through, I can still get through it.

To be honest I think that's the biggest thing that I want. I don't feel that I should distract my focus on that for a little bit. 

Now, the recap on last week's VPAs.

Number one was LIFE. I wanted a hint from the Universe at large about my calling. To be honest, I don't know if I've got any hints. Unless it's trying to beat me across the head and I'm stubbornly ignoring it... But I'll continue to wait and keep going with my studies.

andd...apparently I only did one VPA last week too! So still working on that one.

So I still need to get more work done on my 21 before 22 list, so I'm going to head off and work on that now! I'll give more information on it tomorrow. Have a happy and lovely evening <3

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