Sunday, March 13, 2011

I'm still here.

Last night was my birthday party. A long awaited and oft-stress-inducing event.
I really thought that I would make a minute by minute entry of what happened from the time I got up yesterday, but I really don't feel that I need to. Each of those moments existed, and then they left, and that's okay.
The party itself was lovely. I felt a little frazzled all night (I believe this was a result of sensory over-stimulation that had accumulated over the course of the week), and I also felt like I wanted to just sit down and have people come up and give me big birthday hugs. But I kept going!
The people who did end up turning up were so lovely to be around. There was so much love and joy in the air, and just...beautiful excitement at being in the same room together. To me, the air practically fizzed.
My Dad made a beautiful speech about me - I can honestly say that it was everything that I wanted to hear.. and when it was given I couldn't say I knew what to do with myself. And then suddenly it was MY turn to speak! I believe I made a short comment on how important everyone was to me, but I was getting dangerously close to tears at that point, and had to just choke it out and try to move on..
I wish I could of had more time to just have beautiful long discussions with each person that was there, but unfortunately the sheer magnitude of people didn't allow for it. There were particular people that I really wanted to talk to, but didn't know what to say.
Finally, the presents. Oh my goodness I was spoiled rotten! Such beautiful and wonderful and lovely things I did get. I plan to create some little thankyou templates on my computer, and then hand write each one to send out. Though there were two presents without markings/cards, so I don't know who they're from... Might have to chase that down.
I realised today that I'm not okay right now. I've been hiding behind a bit of a shield of "okay", which is not healthy for me. I'm still dealing with a lot of things, and as such day-to-day life is becoming dangerously difficult for me. Like my meltdown in late 2009.
I had a bit of a discussion with Xin about it all, but it's difficult there too, since he's sick himself right now (something he caught from me...) and I don't want to put anymore emotional bigness on his shoulders.I think tomorrow I will make an appointment to see my counselor at uni, because otherwise I'm dangerously close to letting things completely overwhelm me.

I think I worry when this happens that I can't tell anyone else, for fear that they'll stop talking to me because they don't want to "add to my troubles" etc - which is a very lovely thing to think, but I honestly need those extra troubles to distract me from my own. Plus, I still need a wondrous support network of lovely to keep me going through.

I'm going to over-love myself here and say that I have so much inner strength when it comes to these sorts of things that I tend to think I can tackle anything that gets thrown at me. Sometimes I really need to realise that, while I'm giving my body rest, I am not doing the same for my emotions. And they are extremely important to me.

Things feel a little confuddled right now.

We are being speechy and teary~ <3

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