Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Realisations.

This is what I wrote Sunday 20th, but did not post:
I have realised that, despite my best efforts at the opposite, I have still been living according to other's expectations of me. I had a rather long day yesterday dealing with health, pain, and emotions - all mixed into one big ball of ick called Bethwyn.
Xin was trying to be supportive, whilst also being in pain himself and having to deal with a lot of stuff that was radiating off of me. (No, I'm not Nuclear or anything, I meant in terms of emotions and coping XD.) 


And now onto today! Yay. :D

I have been feeling in great need of some sort of sanctuary lately, so I've been making efforts for my bedroom to feel more like one. However, there's a flaw there. It's still in my parents house. Now, don't get me wrong. I love my parents, I'm so happy to be living here, and I really appreciate that they allow me to still be dependent on them for basic things because of my health. I'm a pretty ideal situation. But that doesn't mean I can't dream about having my own place. Not even my own, but a place with Xin. We have been dreaming of that since... well, since about a month after we started dating, I suppose. XD
I want to have a place to burn my aromatherapy oils, walk around in peace, feel safe and comforted by, and, ultimately, to call my own place of serenity.


Today was quite lovely, despite certain things. My back has been really hurting lately, and it really looks like I'm going to have to make an appointment with my chiropractor to sort things out, because it's starting to affect my mobility and left leg and such. T_T
BUT. An old friend dropped by for a visit (and Xin was already here - yay!), and he gave me a painting he'd done for me months ago. It's beautiful and is now hanging above my bed :D
I also got a letter in the mail from a dear friend that I don't see enough of, who sent me gifts from an event that I couldn't attend with her due to a migraine and emotional stuffs. I hope she knows how much it meant to me. <3
Finally, of course, there was times with Xin. He was wonderful and gave me a backrub to help with the pain. :) <3 <3


My thoughts tonight are on one-sided relationships. And wondering if they need to exist... or if it's always worth purging them. I'm intrigued. And at the same time frustrated and saddened by some of the ones that I'm trying to work through right now. I feel that mostly it's my paranoia... I have to keep confirming with many people that I am not bothering them and that they actually WANT to talk to me. Because I often feel like my little acts of kindness (like random hugs and such....to try and bring some sunshine) are irritations. To be honest, if that IS actually the case, I wish they would just tell me so I could exert my energies elsewhere. Like with friends who always express that they want to spend time with me :)


Anyway, I might get going. Pain is icky and I need something yummy (maybe), a heat pack (yes please), and some painkillers (don't want to, but really really have to!). love~

1 comment:

  1. Aww baby that's so sweet. I don't think our first house will be anything like what we envision, but it'll still be super duper exciting to get a place with you. It'll be hard too- I guess I should start putting money away now, but new expenses come up all the time. I'm not as good at saving as I used to be >.<
    I'll try again as of right now! I'll start saving for a more comfortable life with you <3

    ReplyDelete

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