Friday Chicken: IT'S ACTUALLY FRIDAY.

Hello hello. Just time for a quick check-in. :D


the hard stuff.
emotional ick.
oh I had so many things flying around my head this week like angry hornets. it made thinking and relaxing rather difficult.


other people.
seeing other people I care deeply about going through their own hard stuff. so difficult to just sit there and not do anything. feeling a bit useless because of it, but knowing that the thing they need most is just a friendly ear to listen, and a shoulder to cry on if necessary. me being hyper helps too, apparently.


grump grump.
some people around me being grumpy grumps. and sometimes me not dealing so well with that even though it's THEIR stuff, not a reflection on me. blech.


sleeping = not so smooth.
been trying to reorganise my sleeping patterns. having limited success. making me a bit weak during the day but I'M GETTING THERE.


sick.
because I broke my diet. more than once. not so worth it in some situations. >__<




the good stuff.
CHRISTMAS
this holiday can sometimes be a bit of a drag for me - aside from the parts with my close family members and my love. but this year everything seemed to go so smoothly and just... sweetly. people loved their presents, I got things that I've been longing for for awhile, plus a few surprises! (good surprises!), and I got to catch up with people that haven't been very present in my life for awhile. And had fun! And laughter! :)


Time with the two most important people in my life.
Xin and Chris. These two mean more to me than I could ever ever say. And I've been getting time talking to them, walking with them, just being near them. This always brings my wellbeing gauge right back to where it's supposed to be. <3


Exercise.
I has been getting its! A little. :D


Rest.
Has also been getting this! :D


Plans.
I has them! People coming to visit, me going to visit some others. Plans for future and for hopefulnesses. Excitement!


oh my goodness! progress!
still a tiny sweet thing, but yay! I shall be prepared. Like Scar, but betterer because I won't be eaten by hyenas. :D


Just lots of good little things that have been making my days brighter and more hopeful. I am of the excitement!




Love to all the munchkins.

Leave a Comment friday chicken

Jumbling.

Lately I've been pondering the different types of relationships that humans form. Not just family relationships, but intimate relationships, friendships, and everything in between. The thing is, most relationships or connections that we feel with another person can't just be grouped under a specific label. The way I feel for one friend can be entirely different from the way I feel about another. Consider (humour me here) what Wikipedia says that friendships should contain:

Value that is found in friendships is often the result of a friend demonstrating the following on a consistent basis:

• The tendency to desire what is best for the other
• Sympathy and empathy
• Honesty, perhaps in situations where it may be difficult for others to speak the truth, especially in terms of pointing out the perceived faults of one's counterpart
• Mutual understanding and compassion; ability to go to each other for emotional support
• Enjoyment of each other's company
• Trust in one another
• Positive reciprocity — a relationship is based on equal give-and-take between the two parties.
• The ability to be oneself, express one's feelings and make mistakes without fear of judgement.

Now, I don't know about you, but I don't have all of these things in every single friendships I have, and yet I still value those connections. I find it sad that I know I definitely don't have the final one in many of my relationships. There is always that fear of judgement with some of my friends. And relatives actually.. And I have tried to bridge that gap. I've tried to talk about what I find interesting and what I'd like to do, but you know what? For some people, it's just not what they're interested in. It's just a bit too much openness for them to manage.

And in those relationships that I feel I can be myself, there feels a lack of other things that might need to be there. This all boils down to - I don't think any friendship I have will ever be perfect. And that's okay. I've come to terms with that. But what I really love seeing in a relationship of any kind? Discussion. Communication. Mutual trust and reciprocity. These things are beautiful.

Back to my thoughts on different types of relationship. I have a few relationships which have been on my mind a lot lately - I'm sure you only have to read back to other posts to see this - and I've been wondering about their make-up. Not cosmetics, no, but why they feel so different from traditional relationships to me. I have had friendships before where everything felt reasonably similar - sure, each person offered me something a little different depending on their personality, their drive, their motivations, but really most friendships felt the same. I had more attachment to some people and less to others, but that was the most that differed. And now I have relationships in my life which are entirely different. The one I share with Xin is comforting in it's constancy, but is still ever-changing. There is a mutual curiosity in each other that seems constant - a caring and nurturing feeling that I don't think would be present in a relationship that is much newer. 

In other relationships, there are feelings that I don't understand. I have tried to take the road of sanity and not think about them too much, but that doesn't stop me pondering things occasionally. That's just the way I'm built. (Plus, lately I've been having a few bouts of feeling very tired, so it gives me more time to think things over.)

I feel like some of the relationships I have are not quite friendships, but they aren't quite romantic relationships either. Many people say that I shouldn't seek labels for things - I was told this many times when it came to being sick - but that's how I understand my world. This doesn't mean I want to stereotype... This is hard to explain. In certain cases I find I need a name to understand something more effectively. I do not mean to use that name to take away the power of the item itself or the feelings associated to it. It just makes me feel like I can related more effectively. That may be ignorant or selfish, but it's the way I currently operate.

Perhaps I should let go of this idea. I guess I mostly want a name because then it would be easier for me to deal with when I can't talk to these people, etc. Perhaps that is what I need to deal with? Perhaps Perhaps Perhaps.

More later. Maybe. :P

Leave a Comment rambling, thoughts

new wishlist

I had an old one... but it's now old. Here is a quick one before I forget.

• any books by SARK (from book depository, about $20 each)
• Shadowscape Tarot deck (again, book depository, about $20)
• Runes kit! (book depository, about $8)
• The Verses album called Seasons - $12 on iTunes, unknown elsewhere?

That's all I can remember currently. SLEEP TIME.

2 comments Wishlist

writing about the same thing.

oh well hi! I'm writing about emotions again and it's tow days later than my last post! :D <----I wish I felt as happy as this fellow about all this XD

This post will be more about relationships. It seems that I have a tendency to form insecure attachments to certain people in my life. I am unsure why I do this, or how I started doing it, but here I am. I get addicted, I get worried that I will lose them, I start trying not to care whether I lose them or not, I sometimes even hang around for a bit if I feel they're treating me badly. (Which they're probably bound to do. I tend to act like a creature that Liz Gilbert referred to as herself - a mixture between a labrador retriever and a limpet.. Ridiculously friendly and clingy.) I have tried to break this cycle. I have blamed others, and I have blamed myself. More often than not it has been myself that I have blamed. Sometimes the source of my addiction will try to help me. They'll try to make me see that I'm a wonderful person. And I know I am, it's just it's hard to feel that and to KEEP knowing it when I feel like a creature of some people's nightmares. Why do I form these insecure attachments to some people and not others? And WHY do I get addicted at all?

These questions (and a few more that I feel need answering) are why I have decided to go back to seeing a counsellor next year. Writing my blog posts on depression and anxiety over at tuneinnoutout have really indicated that I'm doing great with my depression, but that I could always use a bit more assistance. Sometimes things just really go to shit for me, and not for any particular reason aside from THEY CAN.

And with that, dear friends and lurkers, I am going to go and lie down with some books. >rubs eyes< >sighs<

Leave a Comment emotions, friends

emotions

I have written so often on this topic. I have made decisions based on my emotions, I have been overrun by my emotions, I have made decisions ABOUT my emotions. Recently I decided to own everything that came up and admit that I can be over-emotional sometimes. I know this about myself.
I have also owned my depression and anxiety issues - these still come up every now and then these days (thank goodness not as much as they used to..), but I acknowledge their existence and try to give these lost emotions a safe-room until they feel they can move on.

Lately I have noticed another emotion that comes up fairly regularly. Every couple of weeks I will have a day where I start a bit grumpy. Sometimes it will eventually turn into depression, and I will realise what is going on - whether it's a problem that I'm sorting through, a depressive episode, or just hormones going crazy. But every so often, it has those underlying tones of depression, but predominantly I just feel angry. I feel angry at the people in my life, at the world in general, at myself, at everything. I feel frustrated and lost. And that just makes me more angry. I listen to loud music (sometimes getting frustrated with the music itself and turning it off in disgust), I pace, I become aggressive with inanimate objects, but mostly I sit and fume.

Today, I decided getting out of the house would be a good idea. I was feeling a touch melancholy, and didn't want it to develop any further. So I went to the library to take a book back. Now, the library is about half a block away, really. I walked there, returned the book, put my music back in and walked in the opposite direction from my house. I ended up walking for quite awhile. While I was walking I felt good - powerful. But as soon as I got home and settled myself again? That anger is back. I noticed that disregard for my safety, that frustration with people in my life. I'm really trying to talk myself through it and take note of what is bothering me - I feel sure that there is something deeper here that is making me feel this way. I'm generally not an angry person.

So, I'm going to talk it out. Anything that I don't want to write here will be written elsewhere, but I know it needs to be written. To start with, I'm angry about all the bad things that are happening to people I love. I hate that the people I find wonderful aren't being accepted for who they are - because who they are is amazing. I'm angry that people don't feel the same way as I do, and, when I get emotional, that they look at me like I'm some crazy person who may need a strait-jacket in the near future. I'm angry that I feel I have to hide certain parts of myself from my family, and from some of my friends. I hate that people keep making promises to me in an offhand manner - if you use the words "I Promise", then I expect a bit more from you than if you just say you'll try. Promises are big things. Don't just use the word whenever the mood strikes you. Even if it's a small thing, like promising to contact someone on a certain day or time. I get that sometimes promises are broken - this is okay. But then, own that you broke that promise. Apologise. And I will forgive you. Grudges are a bit hard for me to keep up with - I don't have the patience for them XD
I'm angry that I still can't enrol in my units for next year. Though that probably won't open up now until January, I guess.
I'm angry that, when I feel like this, I feel so damn alone and like I can't talk to anyone.
I'm angry that I still can't look after myself - I can't be independent. I'm angry that I'm living at home when my soul is crying out to be living somewhere else. In my own place. Where I can express myself the way I want to.
I'm angry that I feel like I always have to be the understanding one. That I always have to be the one waiting and 'checking' on people, until they remember I exist.
I'm angry that I can't help more.
I'm angry that I'm not good enough for some people. I'm angry that I'm not 'right' for some people. I'm angry that I still let this effect me.
I'm angry that I feel like I always fall in love with the wrong people (not always romantically, but in a friendship manner, too). I'm angry that people won't even CONSIDER me as being something they might want in their life.
I'm angry at people's seeming inability to give compliments sometimes. It feels like they skip the good parts and go straight to "you missed a bit" or "are you sure you want to write/paint that?".

And I'm angry at myself. For being angry. When I have so much going for me in this life right now. I know that I need to sit with this emotion and feel better about it being there, but I sometimes just get angrier that I'm feeling this way in the first place. I know that I have friends who are trying their best in my life. Even the ones I don't see very often, every now and then I just get a little reminder from them that they care. This anger is, for the most part, not directed at them. But it doesn't stop me being angry. And I think, ultimately, this anger is just hurting me. Over and over. And that's why writing this list is so important.

And it's helping.

Do you ever get angry?

1 comment emotions

I am so amazingly blessed. <3

Leave a Comment

Hello December!!

So, I said Goodbye to November, so it only follows that I say a big Hello Hello to December!! So hiii! :D

I'm going to do this in complete enthusiasm mode, since I had such a lovely day. I might even write a post after this one about feeling lovely. We'll see! <3 Off we goooo~

December, I am looking forward to these things about you...

• Gotye!! He's coming to the Swan Valley! And there's going to be a big double date with me and Xin and another beautiful couple and we're going to go see him play! Wheeee! :D
• Going swimming! Because I've decided just now that I NEED to go swimming. And soon. :D
• Beach-times! Because everyone knows that summer is awesome for beach-times. As is winter but for ENTIRELY different reasons.
• CHRISTMAS. Spending time with my family! BOOKS. SPENDING TIME WITH XIN! There is so much excitement here.
• Working on things that I have been squirreling away for awhile. Preparing and carefully checking. Being playfully sneaky. ^_^
• Summery dresses and skirts. Blue skies and cool drinks! More Iced Tea! ^_^
• Gentle walks in the evening (and maybe the morning) when the weather is slightly cooler.
• Spending time with gorgeous friends <3

December, this is what I want to experience with you...

• Love
• Preparation
• Growth
• Comfort in the face of Great Heat
• Escaping!
• Progressing
• Reflecting
• Warmth (of the friendship kind)
• Connection
• Expression!
• Foods!
• Glitter!
• Hats!!
• Creativity <3
• Joy and Merriment <3
• Gentle naps and times of reading and beauty
• Surprises!

Planting Gwishes...

Another Havi invention, gwishes are somewhere between a goal and a wish. However, since these are so tiny and sweet and precious to me, they will be whispered into my workbook with the assistance of scented glitter gel pens ^_^

Love! <3

1 comment hello goodbye

promises

if someone knows that they can't fulfil a promise - why make it? I don't understand.

Leave a Comment rambling

Goodbye, November

(taken from the lovely Havi of the Fluent Self blog)

What I loved about November this year...
Goodness, November feels like a month of blessings and lessons for me..

Some November things:

• reconnecting and feeling
• loving and dreaming
• colours!
• mentors and journeying!
• cherry italian sodas <3
• green smoothies! :D
• resolutions...

Stuff that happened in November...:

• Xin came back from his trip! We reconnected and are still doing so. He also got birthday presents from me! Yay! :D
• Xin and my fourth anniversary. My goodness. So much love here <3
• Results and progress with my graduation! GOOD results! Uni progress! Yay!
• Continuing to form one of the best friendships ever in my life (<3 Chris) and sorting through all the crazy happy emotions I get from it ^___^
• Continuing to see my Naturopath and continuing to make progress! Yay! (So many yays in this post..)
• Getting through the ick associated with a big thing that happened in October. And feeling stronger and more capable because of it.
• Personal realisations, finding mentors, collecting beautiful things around me. Seeing things in a different light.
• BIRTHDAYS. dressing up, going drinking and dancing, going out on cruises (I was on a boat!), delicious memories.
• Rediscovering that creating doesn't have to be about perfection, but can be about releasing things.

What was hard about this November?

Again a few bouts of depression which I had to move through... Although I had much more support during these ones.

Certain feelings creating an aura of just 'wrong' and making me feel terribly adrift for awhile. Also, rejection is never fun, even when in the most friendly of terms.

Re-occurring icknesses over feeling inadequate, worthless, bothersome. Indications that I still need to work on these a lot, and, for a lot of the month, not knowing how to do this.

Technology being icky! D: but then again, also being wonderful... :P

Revue!

What worked this November?

A lot of the same that happened in October.

Forming friendships and working on them.

Being passionate.

New things included: being creative! Being more expressive of my emotions! Reading and actively searching out inspiring people/books/other things. 

Trusting my intuition.

Getting out and enjoying life :D

What might I want to try in the future?

Working on those deep-seated feelings of worthlessness. Also maybe working on my impatience when it comes to gratification - I need to be able to sit and BE for awhile. For an hour, a day, however long it takes. Whatever it is that I want/need, it will either come to me in its own time, or another solution will present itself. Or it will be a lesson in disguise. Either way, being impatient isn't going to help!

Learning to be okay with how much I love people in my life. And be okay when I don't get the same amount of love back. <3

Goodbye November.

Thank you for showing me just how beautiful friendship can be. Thank you for my Naturopath's continued commitment to me and my health. Thank you for returning Xin to me, and for showing me that he is still everything I could possibly want.

See you next year. <3

1 comment hello goodbye