Friday, December 9, 2011

emotions

I have written so often on this topic. I have made decisions based on my emotions, I have been overrun by my emotions, I have made decisions ABOUT my emotions. Recently I decided to own everything that came up and admit that I can be over-emotional sometimes. I know this about myself.
I have also owned my depression and anxiety issues - these still come up every now and then these days (thank goodness not as much as they used to..), but I acknowledge their existence and try to give these lost emotions a safe-room until they feel they can move on.

Lately I have noticed another emotion that comes up fairly regularly. Every couple of weeks I will have a day where I start a bit grumpy. Sometimes it will eventually turn into depression, and I will realise what is going on - whether it's a problem that I'm sorting through, a depressive episode, or just hormones going crazy. But every so often, it has those underlying tones of depression, but predominantly I just feel angry. I feel angry at the people in my life, at the world in general, at myself, at everything. I feel frustrated and lost. And that just makes me more angry. I listen to loud music (sometimes getting frustrated with the music itself and turning it off in disgust), I pace, I become aggressive with inanimate objects, but mostly I sit and fume.

Today, I decided getting out of the house would be a good idea. I was feeling a touch melancholy, and didn't want it to develop any further. So I went to the library to take a book back. Now, the library is about half a block away, really. I walked there, returned the book, put my music back in and walked in the opposite direction from my house. I ended up walking for quite awhile. While I was walking I felt good - powerful. But as soon as I got home and settled myself again? That anger is back. I noticed that disregard for my safety, that frustration with people in my life. I'm really trying to talk myself through it and take note of what is bothering me - I feel sure that there is something deeper here that is making me feel this way. I'm generally not an angry person.

So, I'm going to talk it out. Anything that I don't want to write here will be written elsewhere, but I know it needs to be written. To start with, I'm angry about all the bad things that are happening to people I love. I hate that the people I find wonderful aren't being accepted for who they are - because who they are is amazing. I'm angry that people don't feel the same way as I do, and, when I get emotional, that they look at me like I'm some crazy person who may need a strait-jacket in the near future. I'm angry that I feel I have to hide certain parts of myself from my family, and from some of my friends. I hate that people keep making promises to me in an offhand manner - if you use the words "I Promise", then I expect a bit more from you than if you just say you'll try. Promises are big things. Don't just use the word whenever the mood strikes you. Even if it's a small thing, like promising to contact someone on a certain day or time. I get that sometimes promises are broken - this is okay. But then, own that you broke that promise. Apologise. And I will forgive you. Grudges are a bit hard for me to keep up with - I don't have the patience for them XD
I'm angry that I still can't enrol in my units for next year. Though that probably won't open up now until January, I guess.
I'm angry that, when I feel like this, I feel so damn alone and like I can't talk to anyone.
I'm angry that I still can't look after myself - I can't be independent. I'm angry that I'm living at home when my soul is crying out to be living somewhere else. In my own place. Where I can express myself the way I want to.
I'm angry that I feel like I always have to be the understanding one. That I always have to be the one waiting and 'checking' on people, until they remember I exist.
I'm angry that I can't help more.
I'm angry that I'm not good enough for some people. I'm angry that I'm not 'right' for some people. I'm angry that I still let this effect me.
I'm angry that I feel like I always fall in love with the wrong people (not always romantically, but in a friendship manner, too). I'm angry that people won't even CONSIDER me as being something they might want in their life.
I'm angry at people's seeming inability to give compliments sometimes. It feels like they skip the good parts and go straight to "you missed a bit" or "are you sure you want to write/paint that?".

And I'm angry at myself. For being angry. When I have so much going for me in this life right now. I know that I need to sit with this emotion and feel better about it being there, but I sometimes just get angrier that I'm feeling this way in the first place. I know that I have friends who are trying their best in my life. Even the ones I don't see very often, every now and then I just get a little reminder from them that they care. This anger is, for the most part, not directed at them. But it doesn't stop me being angry. And I think, ultimately, this anger is just hurting me. Over and over. And that's why writing this list is so important.

And it's helping.

Do you ever get angry?

1 comment:

  1. Oh darling, I hear that there's so much anger there! It's never fun to be dealing with, when I am angry I often feel at odds with it, though am not suggesting it's the same for you. I don't get angry often, but I can get annoyed and frustrated much more easily. It seems to ebb away quickly though and I find this a relief as I struggle when the emotion persists. That said, I know that there is a powerful and healthy anger that will support and not hinder me if I can be less scared of it and practise it kindly and intentionally... that's a work in progress for me though.

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