wishes

I've been in a bit of a state of thought lately, considering what I want to do with my year. But not just that, I have been considering what my skills and talents are (sometimes something that is hard to remember, for many people), what I want my life to look like ideally, and things that I have been avoiding for fearful reasons.

I'm still not sure what these things mean, or how they will come together. When I think about my blog, I want more for it, but I don't have solid ideas, just a few little wisps of things in my peripheral vision, trying to get my attention.

Different thoughts somehow linking...

My bias from my favourite KPop group (SHINee's Jonghyun) is releasing his first solo album in a few days time, and I'm extremely excited. On Wednesday, he released his first full-length song, called Deja-Boo. I enjoyed it so much that I started listening to it over and over again - something I do with new albums that I like. I have a ritual of sitting down with my walkman (such old technology!) and the new CD, and listening to it fully once with no distractions, and then listening to it over and over again while doing other things to slowly absorb it into myself.

This is what I've been doing with Deja-Boo. 

I absorb it into me so that it can continue to exist within me, in a weird way. So that I can hum it to myself, play it over in my head and dance along.

And then I started to wonder - I want to do this with my thoughts and my dreams. Not just have them as gentle wisps existing somehow outside of myself. I want to absorb them within me, begin to know they edges and curves, what is missing, what is already there. I want my dreams to be truly mine, and not have them confused with outside expectations, what people think I should be doing. I want them to be as familiar to me as a favourite shirt or a well-loved book.

What this means for me? I don't really know. But I am enjoying using my blog as a bit more of a sounding board, where my thoughts can come out a bit more.

Do you ever having ideas that you want to grasp a bit more closely?

Love to all who read.

P.S. If you're interested, here is the song I mentioned:

2 comments 2015, goals, rambling, thoughts, very personal ads

VPA

source

what i want: bubble.

things have caught up with me lately and, while I think I'm past the emotional breakdown phase, apparently I'm now in the physical breakdown stage. (p.s. thought I had this two weeks ago, actually, but there you go.)

what I want right now is support to rest and rejuvenate. I want tasty comforting food, lots of fluids of the same ilk (tasty/comforting) and maybe things to arrive in the mail to enjoy.

I'm feeling a bit icky so I'm going to sign off here. I meant to write more, but I just can't think straight.

Leave a Comment blah, health, very personal ads, vpa

very personal ads: blessed bee

source

thing one : beauty and love for future me

with this ask, I want future me to feel safe, loved, and supported. 

I don't feel that I need this to come from outside sources, so I have been preparing for this for a couple of weeks.

I can tell that my body (and emotions, most likely) are going to go through a bit of hardship  in the coming weeks - and I will also be called upon to be strong and stay true during some things that may be a bit demanding on me.

I want to be able to remain in a state of mind of positivity and calm, and to remember my inner loveliness and joy even during hard times.

how I could do this?

gifts for future me are on their way in the mail (extra gifty because getting mail + getting gifts = double surprise and joy). gifts were bought today for future me to enjoy - books and a new game of adorableness.

learning new ways to support my immune system - essential oils, massages, new recipes filled with beautiful wholefoods.

time with gorgeous people is being planned, and time for myself as well.

dreams are being remembered and gently encouraged. joy!

i'm playing with...

being comfortable. supporting me. love love love.

for now, that's all that I ask. if you feel like joining in, please write in the comments below something that you are wishing for - whether something you can physically hold or purchase, or something that is emotional or experiential. 

love to all who read!

4 comments very personal ads, vpa

oH.

I am sitting at my computer, feeling generally more unwell than I have in quite awhile. My stomach is turning and hurting, my glands are pounding out some kind of salsa tempo in my throat, my head aches, and I'm finding it hard to think straight.
And I am supposed to be writing my allocated words for today - for NaNoWriMo. I have not missed a day since it started. That's HUGE. But, tonight, I feel sick and lost and like even the characters in my book are saying 'maybe it's time to rest?'

So, my solution was to log on here and write and think almost-out-loud for a little while.
When I get stomach aches, I instantly go through all the things that I have eaten in the last two days, lining them up and looking at them for anything that may have triggered this. I try not to think of the pain as punishment for eating something my body can't process well, but it's difficult. I enjoy food. And not eating so many different things is so hard. 
At this moment, I had an impulse to apologise to anyone who can't eat the things that I can. But you know what? I am not saying that people should feel sorry for me, nor am I saying that other people with less than me are better off, or anything like that. I am just presenting my case.

I want to ask an ask.
Magic.
I want to experience new magic in my life, during this time of self-decided rest. I want to see the clues, and remember that people out there (general expression for IN THE WORLD GENERALLY) do not think badly of me, nor do they not care. They just aren't in my life every day. They don't know what I deal with every day - they are busy with their own lives.
I want to move through the things that are plaguing me currently, and then find that place of magic, where joy and pleasure and reasons to go WHEE reside. And I want to remember what friendship means to me and what I need to do to move forward with that.

The qualities I want: Joy. Pleasure. Excitement. Rest. Rejuvenation. Wisdom. Love. Humour. Sparkles!

How this could happen: Something will happen. I believe that much. Where it will come from I'm not so sure.
I will be kind to myself, and gentle. I will try to allow my body it's process of processing what is happening, and I will commit to finding the joy in places of familiarity and warmth.
And I will remember that gentleness can come in so many forms and places. I will remember to accept help when it feels right, and not to indulge in silly ideas that they are only being offered out of obligation, but out of kindness, and love.

I feel that I might just write a little bit, and then put myself to bed. Love to all who read~

2 comments rambling, thoughts, very personal ads, vpa

Friday Chicken: on time!

We are chickening! :D Thank you Thank you Thank you to Havi of Fluent Self for creating a beautiful thing for checking-in ^_~

the hard stuff.
looming.
I had a few things looming over my head this week. Making me feel all icky and like I couldn't relax. No fun.

fainting.
had a little fainting spell last Saturday - made for severe discomfort and blah. luckily had three supportive peoples around me :)

brokened!
I bought a teacup and then found out it had a huge crack that leaked! D:

worry.
two people I really care about were in (separate) car crashes. Both are fine, but shaken. Desperately wanting to send waves of love and support to both of them.

scary.
having to confront a few awkward and potentially live-altering things this week.

the good stuff.
changes! of goodness!
things appear to be moving forward and that equals yay!

newness.
I has a MacBook Air :D it is lovely and lovable and makes me feel like I'm moving forward. (silent retreat on more details here)

BOOKS
oh my goodness I have SO MUCH to read. at times this is daunting but mostly I'm just dancing and then reading. and then dancing while reading. because BOOKS.

time with people.
WOW last weekend was so lovely. time with Cake (super secret nickname for two lovely brothers which is not so secret) shopping and trying not to faint (hee), and then beautiful breakfast double date on Sunday! in lovely cafe! WITH TOAST AND JAM. nom.

delicious noms.
have been eating quite well this week. and having green smoothies! which equals balance and calm. and yum. so yay!

comfort.
have just been feeling much more calm and content with everything this week. putting good wishes out there, thinking up affirmations, feeling comfortable in my own skin and with my own personality and spirit. being my own best friend. it's lovely.

almost-spring cleaning!
cleaned out ALL my clothes yesterday and got rid of SO MUCH. feels amazing. most will be donated, but we may have a garage sale soon so woot! :D also, now has MacBook, thinking of selling old laptop and slightly-less-old netbook. :3

just yay.
this week feels like it's been a good one. a lot less bad, and then a lot more good! yay.





Tiny VPA
just going to put this wish out there. I have been feeling like my room needs a little something for more peacefulness (and all the cleaning out is helping with that), but there is something that I would really like and have yet to buy for myself. I just want to put the wish out there to the universe so that I might be provided with a Willow Tree figure. I feel a little materialistic and odd about asking for this, but they are such beautiful expressions of emotion.
I will show you how beautiful:

http://www.demdaco.com/Love-of-Learning/26165,default,pd.html?start=42&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

http://www.demdaco.com/Together/26032,default,pd.html?start=69&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

there are so many others, but I love these two a lot. they just make me feel so...light and lovely.


anyway. putting the wish out there. I will hopefully budget to buy one for myself sometime.

love to all who read!

Leave a Comment friday chicken, thoughts, very personal ads, vpa

VPA: Getting in touch with the Universe

This is about being okay with the want.
And this is fine. This is where I make the space that I need to ask the Universe to provide certain things, if at all possible. This is where we make ze magicks.
Thanks always goes to Havi Brooks of The Fluent Self Blog for coming up with beautiful rituals for self-expression.


thing one: blankets
I have been in dire need of blanket-y goodness lately. For my bed (I get damn cold), and also for the back of my car and my dad's car (for protection and general awesome).


I've been thinking these could come to me via op-shops, but I'm definitely thinking something cheap or (if possible) free. Just putting the ask out there.


thing two: clarity
I realise I ask for this a lot in VPAs... I tend to go through a lot of problems where I analyse and analyse, but I just can't seem to come up with the real and true reason why something is happening/bothering me.
And there is a situation that has been going round and round lately and I need to stop the cycle of draining. It's too much and I end up deeply hurt and confused each time it turns. Something has got to give here.


I'm not sure how this could happen, but I have an idea of how to make a move forward (silent retreat on that). Gentle friendship and warm fuzzies would help.


thing three: connection
because of the above situation, I have been particularly wary and confused when it comes to friendship and connecting with people lately. (Though, granted, I think I've had a bit of trouble trusting people for some time now.)
I would like to move through this and have some gentle catch-ups with lovely people. There are quite a few of these people in my life, but it takes a specific mix of courage, love, and wellness before I am able to set things up.


I'm not sure how this could work, but I am sending loving wishes out there to the relevant people. I think I might send some letters. (ps: I love receiving mail!!)


thing four: learning
I am in a place of learning more about  a topic very close to my heart: Buddhism. And I want to find books and resources that I can use for this study.


I'll play with meditation and some research, and see what I come up with <3


updates since last time
Well, first I wanted flowww so I could move through my Uni work, and I managed to get that! I felt fairly okay moving through things at my own pace.
Secondly, I wanted clarity. Obviously I am re-asking that, but with that particular problem I think I've moved forward.
Thirdly, I had a problem on which I called silent retreat, and...I can't actually remember what that was. But I'm feeling a lot better about it, so yay for moving forward!




Love to all who read <3

1 comment thoughts, very personal ads, vpa

trusting the universe.

I'm going to put a big ask out there because I need to believe that things are going to get a bit easier for me. That may be selfish or what have you, but I'm okay with that.


I want my own place. Where I can live with Xin happily and we can support ourselves without too much drama.
I want a decent paying job that I can work from home, that doesn't tax my body or cause me to have mini panic attacks about twice a week.
I want to feel more supported and connected with people that I love. This is something that I'm working on, as I'm aware that I have a tendency to distance myself and not trust as easily as I once did.
I want to write. I want to feel passion for what I do again, and to feel that gentle happiness at being able to do something I'm actually good at, and love doing. I want my writing to be my meal ticket.


I know that every journey starts with a single step, and that most of this won't happen without my input, but right now I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse. I am putting one foot in front of the other and trying to focus on breathing. And that's all I can manage aside from disappearing into the fictional worlds of books.


love to all who read.

1 comment blah, dreams, very personal ads, vpa, work, writing

VPA: understanding and shinyness

haven't written a VPA in some time! anyway, thanks go to Havi of The Fluent Self for coming up with amazing awesome wonderful ideas for destuckification.


thing one: flowwww
what I want: things are really heating up in terms of my uni work, and I'm needing a lot more time of being focused and knowing what I want/need to do.
I'd like this to be ease-filled, and for me also to know when taking a breaking is essential.
ways this could work: I could come up with a schedule - 45 minutes of study, 15 minutes break or something like that. I'll need to play with it as my body doesn't tend to operate on human time very well XD
I could have a sign that says 'do not disturb!' or something similar for getting study done.
I could have a look at my work schedule and see how I can play with it to make it work better for me and my 'peak times' of study.
I'll play with...: yoga. meditation. reward systems (need a better word for this?). lowering the amount of things asking for stuff from me.


thing two: clarity
what I want: So I'm working on a lot of things lately. The way I communicate with people, the way I react to people, my default mood, etc. Lots and lots of things.
And I'd just like a little push in the right direction. I think I'm going pretty well so far (at least, I'm feeling positive effects and LOVING them), but I'd just like to put the ask out there for some lovely guidance.
ways this could work: someone could recommend a book to me that will just CLICK. or it could fall in my lap. or I could trip over it.
I can write everything out and have a look from a different point of view and see how things move.
I'll play with...: being calm. noticing emotions as they arise and giving them permission to be there. listening to my heart.


thing three: silent retreat.
what I want: This one is a bit more personal, so I'm going to silent retreat.
I'll play with: understanding. flipping my perspective. distance and closeness. telling it like it is.


updates since last time...
well, I haven't written one of these since the 4th of February, but here are updates:
I wanted to feel less ick and sickly, and I did! With the help of some rest, my naturopath, and just generally taking good care of myself.
I wanted to work on gaining back my inner light, and I'm pretty sure I got there. Hanging onto it is a bit difficult still, but I'm understanding better what needs to happen for me to have it around. :)
Finally, I wanted some work clothes, and I got some! But I kind of need some more... another op-shopping trip might be in the works after uni finishes! <3

2 comments study, very personal ads, vpa

VPA: the fourth of feb.

thanks goes to Havi Brooks of the Fluent Self Blog as per usual...


thing one: feeling not so sick and exhausted
what I want
I have been feeling a bit icky and horrible since about Monday last week... I had to take a little bit of time off work because of it. And then I had to push through other work shifts despite it. and now I have a weekend in which to rest and try and work on it a little bit.
how this could happen
well, I was resting on my day off yesterday, and now I have a weekend with hardly anything in it (aside from a chiropractic appointment this morning which I believe helped anyway!). I have pillows, books, journals, my bed! my chair! movies and tv series. and my lovely boyfriend, who is in need of a bit of rest himself.
my commitment
to listen to my body. to try and get as much good stuff into it as possible. to feel GOOD and SHINY.

thing two: gaining back my inner light
what I want
some days I'm feeling it. But other days it's like it has gone on holiday without saying goodbye. (though that sounds like fun~). I want to feel that shiny, bubbly little light inside myself that just makes me go YAY about everything that I love. I have had moments of it, but I sincerely miss the times when it was just around all the time and, regardless of whether I was tired from something or feeling a bit sick, I was still feeling very yay about my options.
how this could happen
the usual suspects. being creative in some way. listening to meditations. reading inspiring books. immersing myself in the spiritual world. reading oracle card spreads. writing. :) yoga! tai chi?
my commitment
to listen. to try. to feel and to work through any ickyness that comes up.

thing three: work clothes
what i want
as I have recently started a new job, I've been wearing a lot more of my 'professional' clothes and it has become apparent that, because I have lost about five or so kilos, a lot of my skirts and such either fall off or just look very odd on me. I need some new ones! and I need some specifics, like a black business skirt and black pants... and more shirts!
how this could happen
I have gotten many of my best (and most well-loved) business clothes from op-shops and, as I don't have much money at all, I'm thinking that's the way to go! I'm a bit excited, but I'd just like to put it out into the Universe that I would really love some good finds to be there for me, and for it not to be too intensely hard to find them.
my commitment
to finding the RIGHT THINGS and holding on to them. to not allow myself to feel judgemental about my body or the things I like. to feel the excitement of op-shopping! ^_^

Leave a Comment very personal ads, vpa

VPA: strength and beauty!

Oh thankyou to Havi Brooks of The Fluent Self blog (go here!) for being wonderful and sharing some beautiful rituals with the world!


Okay, let's do this thing!


Thing One: Empowerment.
What I want: I've been awesomely brave and understanding and such through a lot of different things that are happening lately - I've actually surprised myself! Which is a wonderful experience. But I feel that I'm going to need a little bit of extra help to keep going through things this way. This may not have to come from others, though, as much as from myself.
How this could happen: I could discover a blog post, or a series of blog posts, about something so unique and perfect for this situation. Ditto for a book - or perhaps music!
Someone could suggest something that's worked for them, and that may become perfect for me.
Meditation, yoga, tai chi! Let's get our beautifying caps on!
My commitment: To myself and my own power. To being strong, but recognising when I need to be gentle, too.


Thing Two: Grace
What I want: There's a chance that a decision or two relating to me and my wants is going to be made very soon, and I need to cultivate the grace to accept whatever that decision may be - especially if it turns out to be not quite what I wanted to begin with.
How this could happen: Not overthinking it, but putting some energy towards being able to accept it. Remembering that, despite whatever the decision is, I am still me, and I'm still awesome.
My commitment: To be kind to myself, and not resent others involved. To remember what I fought for, and be proud of myself for trying.


Thing Three: To find the words.
What I want: Again, decisions and such. There are a few things that require my pen, and my sincere words. And perhaps a gift or two, but these also need to be well-thought out, appropriate, and meaningful.
How this could happen: Thought. Research. Just feeling what I need to feel, and trying to frame it. Perhaps some inspiration?
My commitment: To remember that I AM a writer, and I do sometimes have a way with words. To remember that heartfelt words are often worth more than any gift.


Updates!
Okay, so. Last time. I wanted to investigate doing some modelling stuff, to celebrate the 'yay! I like the way I look' feeling that I've had for the past year or so. And there's been some progress on that. Been chatting to a few friends, so yay :D


The yoga-in-progress sign has not really come around, but I'm working on that. I'm sure I'll find something :)


In terms of more exam/study support and progress, I've surprised myself in receiving it from myself. I've not pushed myself to do more than I want, and that's leaving me satisfied and pleased with how things are going. Can't wait til that last exam is over! ^_^


<3

Leave a Comment very personal ads, vpa