On the Unconscious Decision Not to Blog

I haven't been posting super often (again) (you may have noticed). And I kept thinking about my blog and wondering when I was going to head back and start things up again, get into the tea reviews I had promised, maybe post a few more spoonie diaries or KPop CloseUps. I still feel the desire to do those things, but I just didn't have the drive to do them.

That's not to say I haven't been writing, I've just been working on my own stuff.

And it wasn't until I read a blog post by Havi over on The Fluent Self blog that I linked a few things together. You see, Havi writes a lot about things being right because they are what they are - she follows the paths that she knows are right for her, even when Siri or someone else tells her that they're wrong. Sure, she sometimes still gets caught up in her stuff (who doesn't?), but she owns her stuff, recognises it like an old thing come back to say hello, and she gives herself the space and time and love to move through it.

And after reading that, and remembering that, I realised why I had been avoiding writing on my blog. It was never an active choice, I just... didn't feel the need to go there. I sent it love and thoughts when I thought about it, but couldn't think of anything to write.

The thing is, I just wrapped up reading and judging for the Aurealis Awards for the second year in a row, and I also just fell into a new year (perhaps you noticed that we're in 2015 now? seems crazy! and also we're in the year of the ram!). Last year was good, don't get me wrong, but it was also crazy hard and kind of scary for me. The health stuff that I went through cracked me open in an entirely new way, and I can't say I have ever felt so exposed, so vulnerable. I am still working on getting my drive back for seeing doctors and such and, while I have had a few visits, most of them have just been general maintenance rather than anything super serious or new.

And I needed a break. I needed to step away from all of the new stuff - trying to find new publishers, trying to find writing jobs, trying to find new things to try for my health. I have spent most of this month reading romance novels, because that's what I felt like. I just wanted to turn inwards and work on things that made me feel joyful and content. Things like my own writing, or learning Korean, or even researching watercolour. I wanted to experiment with my cooking a little bit, and I wanted to be inspired again.

I think I'm doing pretty well at the moment. I am feeling happier and more joyful than I have in a long time, and I am feeling a deep connection to who I am, to my partner, to friends, and just generally feeling more resilient about life. I'm not sure I'm quite there with my medical stuff, but that's okay. I'm not in any hurry at the moment. Maintenance is fine by me.

I am hoping to return to blogging regularly soon. I will still post the occasional book review when they pop up, but I am just taking things as they come at the moment. I look forward to returning!

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment 2015, thoughts

notes on using illness as an excuse

About a month ago I had a few really difficult conversations with people close to me/people concerned and invested in my welfare. I have managed in the past few years to get things into a particularly decent routine, and so these conversations were no longer a common occurrence.
However, as a result, have these conversations meant that I felt absolutely wrung out, depleted, like I was looking up at rock bottom. And sitting down there in the dark with me was a few things that I needed to confront.
The main one that hit me hard was the fact that I had fallen into a habit of using my chronic illnesses as an excuse not to do things, I was allowing the fear of my illnesses getting worse control my decisions.

Now, don't get me wrong, often I have to say no to things because I am genuinely too unwell to do them, or because they are just a really stupid idea for me (for example, I generally say no to events with lots of loud noises and alcohol, as my body does not cope well with that). I feel a lot of strength and rightness in those decisions.

But sometimes I was saying that I was not feeling well enough to go somewhere, when really what I meant was 'actually, I would rather stay home with my book at the moment' or 'that doesn't really sound like my kind of thing, so I might sit this one out'. It was easier to go with what people would expect from me than to tell them the truth.

I have realised that the friend group I have around me now is genuine, understanding, and appreciates my quirks. And I want to get to a point where I can say things like 'hey, thanks for the invite, but I am just not that into ______. I hope you have an awesome time though!' and know that I am saying that with genuine love and appreciation.

I have started doing that already, and I hope to continue as the year goes on. As this kind of feeds into fear of new opportunities and of failure as well, I have a feeling I will be working on it a bit this year. Fear of failure is something that I deal with regularly, and not always that successfully. But I am taking on a few new things for myself, and I am trying to encourage myself to try new things.

At this point, I don't want advice on how to be courageous or extroverted, or how to speak my truth more often. This is something I am enjoying working on myself, and I already feel a little outside my comfort zone posting this on my blog. However, if you have similar fear of failure or excuse-using strangeness, I'd love to hear about your experiences or simply receive gentle support in the comments below.

Love to all who read.

1 comment 2015, health, thoughts

wishes

I've been in a bit of a state of thought lately, considering what I want to do with my year. But not just that, I have been considering what my skills and talents are (sometimes something that is hard to remember, for many people), what I want my life to look like ideally, and things that I have been avoiding for fearful reasons.

I'm still not sure what these things mean, or how they will come together. When I think about my blog, I want more for it, but I don't have solid ideas, just a few little wisps of things in my peripheral vision, trying to get my attention.

Different thoughts somehow linking...

My bias from my favourite KPop group (SHINee's Jonghyun) is releasing his first solo album in a few days time, and I'm extremely excited. On Wednesday, he released his first full-length song, called Deja-Boo. I enjoyed it so much that I started listening to it over and over again - something I do with new albums that I like. I have a ritual of sitting down with my walkman (such old technology!) and the new CD, and listening to it fully once with no distractions, and then listening to it over and over again while doing other things to slowly absorb it into myself.

This is what I've been doing with Deja-Boo. 

I absorb it into me so that it can continue to exist within me, in a weird way. So that I can hum it to myself, play it over in my head and dance along.

And then I started to wonder - I want to do this with my thoughts and my dreams. Not just have them as gentle wisps existing somehow outside of myself. I want to absorb them within me, begin to know they edges and curves, what is missing, what is already there. I want my dreams to be truly mine, and not have them confused with outside expectations, what people think I should be doing. I want them to be as familiar to me as a favourite shirt or a well-loved book.

What this means for me? I don't really know. But I am enjoying using my blog as a bit more of a sounding board, where my thoughts can come out a bit more.

Do you ever having ideas that you want to grasp a bit more closely?

Love to all who read.

P.S. If you're interested, here is the song I mentioned:

2 comments 2015, goals, rambling, thoughts, very personal ads

Bethwyn's 2015 Manifesto~

I often set goals for myself, or dreams, or challenges. I don't always like those words, and I don't always do them. I also don't always wait for a new year to set goals for myself, as I find some of the best goals come to you halfway through the year, when you're hibernating during Winter (well...in the Southern Hemisphere, anyway).

But there are a few things that I would like to try in 2015, and I'd like to make myself a little more accountable - thus, announcing them on my blog. Hmm.

Challenge #1: Don't buy new.

Okay, so what do I mean by this? I'm talking about clothes here. I find I buy clothes from different places and then feel frustrated with myself for buying new when I know I enjoy op-shopping a lot more. I also don't always know whether I am supporting some sort of sweat-shop or such-like when I buy new from places like Myer and Target. I am working on being more informed in this way and 'voting with my money', as it were.
So, I want to only buy clothes from op-shops this year.
There will be exceptions, including underwear-type-things, and socks/stockings/tights, because reasons. But I am aiming to buy those kinds of things from Australian businesses that are transparent about where their cloth comes from and their labor. I am currently loving my sole (pun intended) pair of Ghostly Label socks, and am lusting after a few others for when the weather cools down again...

Ghostly Label goodness

I may also make exceptions for beautiful dresses that I have been lusting after over on Etsy, for example, as long as I can pinpoint where they came from and who they were made by. :)

Challenge #2: Good things come in threes.

I recently did a count of how many physical books I have on my shelves at home (that is, ones I OWN) that are unread. The total, on the 27th of December 2014, was 191 unread books. One hundred and ninety one. Yes, I agree, that's a little ridiculous. I know there are plenty of other people that have way more, and also plenty with wayyyy less, so I am not beating myself up about this. I'm just getting proactive about it.
Here is my challenge: for every three books I read off of my shelf (I will keep a list), I will gain one 'book buying token' (actually just a crystal that I put in a bowl to keep track) to symbolise that I may now buy a new book. This doesn't mean I HAVE to buy a new book, nor does it mean that I can just go buy a book willy-nilly without making space in my budget for such spending (yes, I budget), it just means that I have earned the right to buy a book. It's like a book buying ban, but with little tokens of loopholes.
I'm trying very hard to get my TBR pile down a bit this year, and with the Aurealis Awards finishing up soon I may actually be able to do that. I've already finished off four books from my shelves since the 27th, so I am feeling fairly positive at the moment.

Note: I have also added another proviso that if I pick up a book from my shelf to read and I don't want to read it, or find myself not enjoying it, I must either donate it or sell it. The majority of my books can be borrowed out of the library at a later date if it turns out I really MUST read it, so no harm done.

Plus, to be honest, I'm kind of lusting after these bookmarks more than any book at the moment...

find them here

...or, you know, pretty much any of the bookmarks from the craftedvan etsy store... (Psst! Katharine, if you're reading this, they have Sherlock ones!!)

Challenge #3: Health things.

This one is a little less thought-out than the others. Basically, 2014 was the year of 'trying to find out what the heck is going on in my body', and, at times, it kind of blew. It meant putting my health, and my heart/hope, in other people's hands sometimes, and that was hard. Sometimes they would be caring and gentle, even if they couldn't help me, and other times I wondered why they even bothered. I'm not saying I'm giving up on the medical world - not at all - I'm just going to listen to my own body a bit more, and experiment with diet changes and sleeping changes, and even exercise, by myself for a little while. All of my nice doctors have been saying that it's really more of a maintenance thing than a 'finding a cure' thing, and I want to try that.

So, 2015 is going to be a year of research and experimentation. It's going to be a year of 'let food be thy medicine' and exploring health food stores like they're made of candy. And it's going to be the year I return to swimming and yoga more than before. I still do yoga at home, but not very often, and I really want it to be more present in my days. And swimming? Something I have always adored. I am a water baby - always have been. But I stopped doing it because it was too hard, and then I built some social phobias around that, so I just stopped trying altogether. This year, I'm heading back. Xin is going to help me out past the first few hurdles, and then I'm going to build a routine for myself as much as I can. Please feel free to send pictures of swimmers rocking it, or platypuses, or other creatures being graceful in the water. They will be little messages of support for me.

source

Actually... I think I may have just discovered my totem animal for 2015. Yeh platypus.

Challenge #4: Doing the worky-work thing.

Ah... talking about less thought-out... I just started applying for jobs again. Yes, I'm still sick. Yes, I'm still unable to work outside my house for very long because of countless symptoms that come up. But I'm trying. I'm mostly looking for work that I can do from home, and I'm working on establishing myself as a freelance writer/blogger/book reviewer (a wordsmith ^_~), but it's long-going and it's a little daunting. But I sense that I need to start trying, so that's what I'm going to do. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments below.

That's it from me! I have many other goals and ideas for 2015, but they will be written down in my workbook and kept just for me for a while, I think. I honestly am not very good at keeping my blog updated on yearly goals, so that may be best.

What about you guys? Anything in particular you want to do in 2015? Love to all who read.

6 comments 2015, dreams, goals, manifesto