Tuesday, February 24, 2015

On the Unconscious Decision Not to Blog

I haven't been posting super often (again) (you may have noticed). And I kept thinking about my blog and wondering when I was going to head back and start things up again, get into the tea reviews I had promised, maybe post a few more spoonie diaries or KPop CloseUps. I still feel the desire to do those things, but I just didn't have the drive to do them.

That's not to say I haven't been writing, I've just been working on my own stuff.

And it wasn't until I read a blog post by Havi over on The Fluent Self blog that I linked a few things together. You see, Havi writes a lot about things being right because they are what they are - she follows the paths that she knows are right for her, even when Siri or someone else tells her that they're wrong. Sure, she sometimes still gets caught up in her stuff (who doesn't?), but she owns her stuff, recognises it like an old thing come back to say hello, and she gives herself the space and time and love to move through it.

And after reading that, and remembering that, I realised why I had been avoiding writing on my blog. It was never an active choice, I just... didn't feel the need to go there. I sent it love and thoughts when I thought about it, but couldn't think of anything to write.

The thing is, I just wrapped up reading and judging for the Aurealis Awards for the second year in a row, and I also just fell into a new year (perhaps you noticed that we're in 2015 now? seems crazy! and also we're in the year of the ram!). Last year was good, don't get me wrong, but it was also crazy hard and kind of scary for me. The health stuff that I went through cracked me open in an entirely new way, and I can't say I have ever felt so exposed, so vulnerable. I am still working on getting my drive back for seeing doctors and such and, while I have had a few visits, most of them have just been general maintenance rather than anything super serious or new.

And I needed a break. I needed to step away from all of the new stuff - trying to find new publishers, trying to find writing jobs, trying to find new things to try for my health. I have spent most of this month reading romance novels, because that's what I felt like. I just wanted to turn inwards and work on things that made me feel joyful and content. Things like my own writing, or learning Korean, or even researching watercolour. I wanted to experiment with my cooking a little bit, and I wanted to be inspired again.

I think I'm doing pretty well at the moment. I am feeling happier and more joyful than I have in a long time, and I am feeling a deep connection to who I am, to my partner, to friends, and just generally feeling more resilient about life. I'm not sure I'm quite there with my medical stuff, but that's okay. I'm not in any hurry at the moment. Maintenance is fine by me.

I am hoping to return to blogging regularly soon. I will still post the occasional book review when they pop up, but I am just taking things as they come at the moment. I look forward to returning!

Love to all who read.

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