this week - sum uppance. :D

taken on my phone ^_^

this week has been really interesting, and I feel like I've had a few breakthroughs, but also a few setbacks. I think what makes it such a good week is that I've noticed these things, too.

not-so-nice stuff

• I had a kinda-sorta moment of almost-anxiety attack, and that was hard. it lead to a lot of negative emotion and just BHrgajfaslljbsdfhabrahh (the only way I can describe it currently) which I felt I couldn't get out of and that was really uncomfortable.
• taking out said frustration on Xin and feeling even worse
• TOO MANY EXPECTATION
• super major skin attack of attackiness
• super major hair attack of frizziness
• fibromyalgia increase. ick.
• questioning motives and drive and future. very sad time.

nice stuff

• celebrating April 1st as Sakura Kinomoto's birthday instead of April Fool's Day. Lovely times of watching the second Cardaptors movie with Xin while sipping Sakura Latte and wearing my Sakura dressing gown.
• Amazing time away from home in Margaret River, experiencing nature and rejuvenation and eating SO MUCH YUMMY FOOD and generally just feeling reconnected and calm
• STILL enjoying study
• current book giving me so many ideas for writing and reading in the future (will probably post a review later on!)
• beautiful and funny videos on YouTube by Jenna Marbles and Bunny (grav3yardgirl)
• SO MUCH CARDCAPTOR SAKURA
• New anime series! :D Been so long.
• lots of exciting things that I plan to do, and new developments to put in to practice

what could I do better next week?

I feel I need a bit more connection with myself: meditation, journalling, generally trying to think straighter (pretty hard sometimes). more living in the present moment.

I also think healthier behaviours are required - healthier diet, more regular sleep, more exercise.

what superpower would I like?

The superpower of boundaries - not just with relationships, but also with myself. Knowing when I need to take time out for myself, and not feeling guilty for needing to ask for that. :)

how was your week? what could you do better next week, or what superpower would you like to have?

love to all who read.

2 comments friday chicken, musings, thoughts

deskchair musings: and a friday chicken. belated edition.

Today's musings come courtesy of Xin's house, where I am currently resting. I have had a nearly a full week without his lovely company, and am doing my best to be a comforting girlfriend now that he has returned. Let's see how I went...

the bad stuff.
the cycle of doom.
it returned. at a point where I was feeling quite low and vulnerable already. not fun. especially since I had thought I'd moved past it.

alone in the loneliness.
bah. humbuggle.

pain.
there was a bit of it this week.

blocks and unhelpful thoughts.
they were there. My monster chorus was in full swing at some points. they keep trying to beat me down.

hesitation and second-guessing.
I do not like these things.

the good stuff.
watching ALL the things!
oh my, there was so much watching of stuff this week. My first (official) collection of cardcaptor sakura was knocked off first, then an awesome new anime was introduced to me by my cousin, and I polished off the first collection of that too [it's called Blue Exorcist by the way]. Then, live action Hanazakori no Kimitachi e (Hana Kimi - also courtesy of my cousin) led me back to my true love of asian drama! (DORAMAAA~) and introduced me to a new Japanese actor whom I ADORE now. love love love.
Finally, tried Game of Thrones, and I'm afraid I'm not sure it's my cup of tea at this point in time. *sips tea* but maybe in the future.
FINALLY finally, started watching the following: Sherlock (zomg it's everything they said it would be), live action Hana Yori Dango (he does terrible things to you and then he loves you... ahhhh what now.), and Galileo (jdrama of pretty awesome~). Also still dabbling in New Girl. so, yes, ALL the watching of things.

JAPANESE
I AM BACK. I am resuming study. And I am LOVING it.

some writings were done.
and they were enjoyed :D

playtime!!
seeing old friends and chatting and cuddles and yay! these are what all good friendships are made of.

mail!
as regular readers know, I LOVE MAIL. and now I have a new scarf, cotton dress, nailpolish of less-carcinogen awesome, and my parents got presents too! joy. plus - I sponsored a cow called Micaley and I received a photo of her and she's SO BEAUTIFUL YOU GUYS. I may have to show you.

cuddles.
Bronte was Miss-I-Want-To-Sleep-On-You this week. I'll post some photos from that after this... Needless to say, it was so cute and SO appreciated. :)

XIN IS BACK
and it is all wonderful and shiny again. but I proved that I am independent and CAN DO STUFF. yay me :D



I have one mere musing for you to finish on. I have often thought that I am part of a (relatively) small part of the population classified as Highly Sensitive (look for Elaine Aron's work if you aren't familiar). And I have noticed recently that my emotions can be stirred SO easily. But I'm also getting better at noticing that I can ride them out without ALL THE BAD THINGS happening.
Particularly, my emotions are stirred by music. SO VERY STIRRED. If I hear an upset song, I get upset. It seems logical but it kind of isn't. Because most people can be affected by music - they can notice it's a sad song and be sad, but once song is over, they're fine! For me, it feels different. Like the song takes up residence in my heart and my mind, and I start seeing the world through song-coloured goggles.

Anyway, I'm going to do some more Japanese study before bed.
Love to all who read <3 p="p">

2 comments friday chicken, musings, thoughts

Friday Chicken: I want more icecream.

My thoughts are moving a bit slowly, so apologies if things don't make a lot of sense!

Thanks, as always, go to Havi Brooks of Fluent Self for this wonderful ritual.

bad stuff.
mini-panics.
Not having a lot to do and feeling sick a lot tend to lead to feeling a bit useless, then feeling panicky. Not fun.

pain.
never fun.

disappointment.
a bit in myself, a bit in others, a bit in general.

finding walls.
that I thought were gone. and yet they're here.
and not knowing what to do with the walls.

missing a couple of people.
that I don't contact with any regularity anymore. and trying to be okay with the missing.

nightmares.
mostly last night. leading to feeling horrible.

being unsure.
silent retreat.


good stuff.
nature.
and enjoying it more.

bronte.
she's amazing and fun and kind of adorable.
also a bit irritating at times, but still adorable. XD

books, magazines and emails. oh my.
so much reading. glorious reading.

tea.
yes yes yum yum. :D

Xin.
oh. love. and so many thankyous from me.

connection.
not so much with other people, but with myself and my dreams.


I feel a bit odd about writing anymore on this. So I'm going to go back to sitting in bed thinking... and eating ice cream.
Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment friday chicken, general, thoughts

Friday Chicken: on time!

We are chickening! :D Thank you Thank you Thank you to Havi of Fluent Self for creating a beautiful thing for checking-in ^_~

the hard stuff.
looming.
I had a few things looming over my head this week. Making me feel all icky and like I couldn't relax. No fun.

fainting.
had a little fainting spell last Saturday - made for severe discomfort and blah. luckily had three supportive peoples around me :)

brokened!
I bought a teacup and then found out it had a huge crack that leaked! D:

worry.
two people I really care about were in (separate) car crashes. Both are fine, but shaken. Desperately wanting to send waves of love and support to both of them.

scary.
having to confront a few awkward and potentially live-altering things this week.

the good stuff.
changes! of goodness!
things appear to be moving forward and that equals yay!

newness.
I has a MacBook Air :D it is lovely and lovable and makes me feel like I'm moving forward. (silent retreat on more details here)

BOOKS
oh my goodness I have SO MUCH to read. at times this is daunting but mostly I'm just dancing and then reading. and then dancing while reading. because BOOKS.

time with people.
WOW last weekend was so lovely. time with Cake (super secret nickname for two lovely brothers which is not so secret) shopping and trying not to faint (hee), and then beautiful breakfast double date on Sunday! in lovely cafe! WITH TOAST AND JAM. nom.

delicious noms.
have been eating quite well this week. and having green smoothies! which equals balance and calm. and yum. so yay!

comfort.
have just been feeling much more calm and content with everything this week. putting good wishes out there, thinking up affirmations, feeling comfortable in my own skin and with my own personality and spirit. being my own best friend. it's lovely.

almost-spring cleaning!
cleaned out ALL my clothes yesterday and got rid of SO MUCH. feels amazing. most will be donated, but we may have a garage sale soon so woot! :D also, now has MacBook, thinking of selling old laptop and slightly-less-old netbook. :3

just yay.
this week feels like it's been a good one. a lot less bad, and then a lot more good! yay.





Tiny VPA
just going to put this wish out there. I have been feeling like my room needs a little something for more peacefulness (and all the cleaning out is helping with that), but there is something that I would really like and have yet to buy for myself. I just want to put the wish out there to the universe so that I might be provided with a Willow Tree figure. I feel a little materialistic and odd about asking for this, but they are such beautiful expressions of emotion.
I will show you how beautiful:

http://www.demdaco.com/Love-of-Learning/26165,default,pd.html?start=42&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

http://www.demdaco.com/Together/26032,default,pd.html?start=69&cgid=901002001&brandId=WT

there are so many others, but I love these two a lot. they just make me feel so...light and lovely.


anyway. putting the wish out there. I will hopefully budget to buy one for myself sometime.

love to all who read!

Leave a Comment friday chicken, thoughts, very personal ads, vpa

Friday Chicken: Just Keep Swimmin'

hello my lovelies. remember remember remember that this template/postage comes from the delightful Havi Brooks.

let's get started.

because we've gotta keep on swimmin'

anywhosies.

the bad stuff.

old pain. old issues.
they were just popping up all over the place. hanging around.

not knowing who to talk to.
and many people not having the time to talk. not knowing what to say - how to articulate what was happening.

realisations.
not good ones. extended pain. bad fortune cookie.

crying.
mostly alone. but also in front of people. including someone I had just met about ten minutes beforehand. so much hard.

almost perfect strangers pointing out stuff.
that I didn't realise I was holding on to. that I didn't realise I hadn't worked through yet.

repression.
repress repress repress. and not realising I was doing it.

being so sick I couldn't move much.
always hard.

misunderstandings.
and trying to remain true to me during that.

cold.
always feeling cold even when I'm apparently supposed to be sweating.

the good stuff.

connection.
having that and drawing strength from it.

simple things.
like having a car that I love. Tea. Aoife (my blue dinosaur heatpack). New musics. kind messages from people.

support.
happiness in people close to me expressing awe in how I'm going, and pride in the things I do to cope. and how I always keep going.
this has also been coming from complete strangers lately. beautiful.

reading.
so much! love!

yoga. meditation.
perfect in my imperfections.

always moving forward.
yay. oh wow. I have these flashes of feelings of "wow I could actually make things work and become this amazing thing that I want." giving myself permission to want these things, and be okay when I feel discouraged and unsure.

bubble tea!
and trying new flavours! oh my goodness I love bubble tea. in fact, want some. :3

trying new things.
because I can and that's amazing.

romantic moments.
Xin: you are amazing. and I feel so amazingly lucky to have you. love.


on that note, love to all those who read. :)

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Chickening: Talking and Moving Forward

Okay, so a little late... A lot late. But still chickening on!


the hard stuff.


SICKSICKSICK
So it turned out I wasn't JUST experiencing my usual CFS symptoms, but a sinus infection too. Wheeee! Antibiotics to the rescue!! (Sort of.) This meant more time off work.


DIFFICULT DECISIONS
That led to difficult conversations.


FUTURE? I CAN HAZ ONE?
A lot of paranoia and sadness around this. Old stuff coming up for me that I didn't really want to interact with. Hard.


TRYING TO UNDERSTAND SOMETHING
And still not sure I do. Pain here too. Maybe difficult decisions and conversations coming up here.


the good stuff.


NOT CRAZY
I AM sick and oh my goodness people believe me!


PERSONAL POWER
Well hi there lovely! Feeling comfortable in being myself and drawing my boundaries.


BOUNDARIES
I HAVE THEM. THIS IS AMAZING.


DREAMS
And dreaming them and moving towards making them come trueee!~


LOVE
Oh so much connection and love and joy. And possibilities! Oh love you are still so amazing.


HOPE
Cannot express how much this means to me. Silent retreat, but with big happy heart sigh.




Love to all who read <3

Leave a Comment friday chicken, strengths, thoughts

Belated Friday Chicken: I am so damn tired.

lets do this thing. (though I can't believe a whole other week starts tomorrow and I SO don't feel ready for that at all...)


the hard stuff.


DEPRESSED
Depression made a cursory visit at the beginning of this week, and I had minimal resources to help me say 'please have a cup of tea and then be on your way'. Hard.


LONELY
Oh so much stuff coming up. Xin was away on camp and uncontactable, my best friend has stuff of his own to deal with so no contact there, went back to missing people that I've had to say goodbye to so many times. So much lonely and pain.


SICK
So much stuff coming up, and my body just really saying NO to a lot of things. Work has been great about me not being able to come in, though that opens up a whole other kettle of fish of guilt and awkward and sadness. My body still doesn't seem to know what it's sick with, but it's throwing everything at me. I am almost convinced that my minimal fibromyalgia is coming back and I don't know how to deal with that.
So much pain and sadness around this. Silent retreat on a lot of it.


TRYING TO FIND A NEW PATH
And feeling like I'm already destined for failure.


DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS
Oh wow this brought up so much hurt. Trying to figure out why I react the way I do to certain things, trying to work through the pain so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. So much stuck. Old patterns coming up.




the good stuff.
PRESENTS
for me! I have been planning little presents for future me and I love past me for thinking of them! Past me rocks.


SUPPORT
Coming from different directions. Finding a friend to lean on who DIDN'T MIND BEING LEANED ON. This kind of blew my mind a little and has led to one or two happy heart sighs.


SOLACE
At an event I desperately needed a place away from the noise and the crazyness, and a friend provided it. I am so grateful. Deep deep thanks.


FUTURE!
Despite being freaking terrified, I am also super excited to be trying to follow my dreams. Yay having dreams.


GRATEFUL
This week has made me realise things that I'm super grateful for. Like Xin, and tea, and books, and Ben 10! And... big warm fuzzy jumpers!


PROSPECTS
Silent retreat on this one but it has something to do with working through my stuck. Equally excited and scared.


LEARNING
I am learning to trust my body and my instincts a bit better. My intuition has been a bit beaten around lately and I am trying to get her to start talking again.








I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit too exhausted to write much more, but you get the idea :) Love to all who read <3

2 comments friday chicken

Friday Chicken: On A Sunday.

This week has been interesting. And difficult. And lovely. And it may seem odd to be summing up on a Sunday (Sunday's have always been sort of rest-days for me - preparing for the new week), it seems right at this moment.


the hard stuff.


drain and sick.
it was really hard getting through work while my body seems to be regressing back to two-and-a-half-years-ago-me. it's been so long since I've had serious stomach pain that I kind of forgot what it was like. now I remember. it sucks.


tiredtiredtiredandmoretired.
oh wow. so many nights of waking up two or three times during the night and then waking up in the morning and feeling like I hadn't slept at all.


emotional drain.
feeling lost and abandoned and so many kinds of ick. dealing with issues that I thought I'd left behind long ago. having to find my boundaries again and figure out if they'd been crossed or if I was over-reacting. so much hard.


decisions.
too hard. go away.


envy.
dislike. the green-eyed monster is hardly ever a friend to me.




the good stuff.


finding solace.
in a place that I had found solace before. a book that I have re-read so many times I'm a little unsure what number I'm on. And it's new and beautiful, but still so reassuring like an old friend who JUST GETS YOU. I feel so happy being surrounded by this book's happiness and embrace.


time.
re-grasping my opinions on and use of time. realising that going to bed early can be uh-mazing and that taking time out to just rest is still as important as ever.


love.
trusting in the wonderful link between me and Xin, allowing myself to be weak in front of him instead of just keeping it in and being grumpy-Beth (even I don't like her). sharing  my fears.


spirituality.
[silent retreat] - this is so very close to my heart that it's difficult for me to articulate.


support.
from the most wonderful places. making me feel loved and powerful.


exercise!
I actually didn't realise that I'd missed it! And yet, today I did lots and my body went 'yes! more please!' I'm being very careful not to overdo it though - the ramifications could be catastrophic! but right now I'm enjoying the after-workout glow ^^


adventure~
I met Christopher Paolini and got him to sign Xin's book!! And I met Juliet Marillier (one of my FAVOURITE fantasy writers) and bought her new book and she signed it!!! I feel proud. <3




that's all for now. this  week will be full of cotton wool balls for me to fall on - as much as I'm able. I have organised to have a a few presents from past-me arrive this week (all being well) and I will remind myself as often as possible that rest is good. and that there are ways to take the pressure off even when I'm working ^_^ <3 love to all who read!!

4 comments emotions, friday chicken, health, thoughts

Friday Chicken: Study, work, burnout, and other stories~

the bad stuff.


I could separate this into subtitles but I'm being lazy so that just isn't going to happen.
I have been working and studying and then studying some more and then going to uni and also trying to keep my head above water with everything else - listening to my body, being there for friends and such, trying to be kind to myself.
doing it all at the same time is a lot harder than you'd think.
I've been organising little times all through this week where I could rest, but I don't know if it's helping or not. Last week I ended up having three migraines. This week I just ended up waking up on friday (ie. today) and feeling like I couldn't give anyone anything, even if they asked really nicely and said 'please'.
that's mostly the bad stuff.


the good stuff.


material acquisitions like my meditation pillow (awesome!) and plans to acquire more Darren Hayes cds (also putting an ask here that if you find any Darren Hayes cds that aren't "Secret Codes and Battleships" please to be giving them to me/getting them for me/msging me and being like 'oohhh I think I found one!'? <3)
snuggles and being supported by Chris and by Xin.
being lovely and loving towards myself as much as possible, and feeling more connected to myself and my spiritual side because of this.
knowing that this is NOT THE END OF THE WORLD and that I'll GET THROUGH IT.
Oh, also, haircut. haircuts are awesome. my hairdresser is great at what she does - she's excellent. we just don't see eye-to-eye on a few matters. like life. and sexuality. and..well, life. XD but she's great at cutting hair! :D


I am exhausted, so all my planned blog posts may have to wait until I have some brain power to get them out into the world!

Leave a Comment friday chicken, rambling, random

Saturday Chicken?

the bad stuff.
feeling unsupported
silent retreat.
aloneliness~
more silent retreat.
overwhelmed.
this is okay, but there's a lot of stuck with some things. Especially since I had been feeling like I was getting nothing done at uni, and then I would think about that at work, and then I'd feel like I was getting nothing done at work. Nasty cycle.
cold.
my office is tiny. and my chair/desk sits right underneath an aircon vent. which is ALWAYS ON. I'm a bit tired of being cold all the time - I have to take a jacket/cardigan into work with me all the time.

the good stuff.
reconnection.
spirituality. feeling better about this.
progress.
despite feeling overwhelmed at times, I actually got a lot done this week. Many an assessment has been completed. Just a few more to go~
tutor!
had my first session with my Japanese tutor on Monday this week. was AWESOME. I'm looking forward to refreshing my Japanese and maybe learning some more before I return to Uni Japanese next semester.
six months more~
my job seems to like me, so I've been offered (and have accepted) a further six months work with them which commences this week (my last three month contract ended yesterday).

I'm feeling a touch off right now so I'm going to silent retreat for now... <3

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