On Doubt.

Doubt is tough. It kind of seeps in around the edges of your vision and makes you feel like everything is for nought, why are you even bothering, why try? You start to feel defeated, like things won't get better, like there is nothing to hope for.

Things have honestly been rough for Xin and I in the last year. I'm not going to go too much into detail because it's private, but it's to do with money and renting/house stuff mostly, and it has been eating away at us a little at a time. I think we have been coping really really well with all the stress, and we feel so grateful to those that have helped as along. We try to be very thankful for what we have, and appreciate it all as much as we can. 

But doubt has snuck in at times, and it has taken over for a little bit. And it's hard to see past that. I doubt myself quite a lot - chronic illness, depression, and anxiety all have this alarming tendency to lie to me in my own voice, and I start to believe things that leave me feeling paralysed and alone. But, the doubt is always strongest right before a breakthrough. I have a feeling inside me that we just have to hold on for a bit longer, because things are about to get loads better. I don't know why I have this feeling, but it's been building for a few weeks now. I still feel depressed and anxious sometimes, and I still get overwhelmed quite easily, but the hope is there. The faith is there.

The insidious nature of doubt though makes me wonder if perhaps I am just in denial, and things are just going to get worse. But, in this moment, I really feel like, even if that's true? We'll keep moving forward. We'll find a way to make things work. 

1 comment musings, thoughts