Spoonie Musings // No Sleep and Holidays

Friday, November 9, 2018
Here I am, sitting down to type. Just sending a little note out into the void. Hello, void! It's nice to see you again. Though perhaps it is difficult to actually see the void, given that it isn't a specific entity, nor does it have form... We could get pretty deep here, so I am just going to move on.

Last night I had basically... two hours sleep. For those of you reading who are fellow spoonies, you will most likely empathise, but also know that such an occurrence is not exactly rare. It happens. For whatever reason. I have tried to explain it to my husband before, with mixed results. Sometimes there is an obvious thing happening within my body that prevents me from sleeping - a flare up of one illness or another, perhaps a migraine. Other times it is more that my mental health is suffering, and sleep just... can't happen. Usually this is due to a rapid rise in anxiety, making sleep a (forgive the pun) distant dream.

And then there are times when I just feel too sick and tired to sleep. It's these times that are difficult to explain to others, as I have difficulty understanding them myself. They just kind of are. I can hear my pulse beating throughout my body - sometimes I can even see it as it shakes my skin (tmi? apologies.). Everything just feels off, and I can't even think of sleeping because what would be the point in trying? I would just lay awake for hours feeling sick, in the dark, most likely listening to my husband sleep blissfully next to me.

Anyway, I just couldn't get to sleep last night. It was a mix of reasons, but I think mostly anxiety. The holiday season is coming and I find myself slipping down the rabbit hole that suddenly engulfed me towards the end of last year - a mix of overwhelm, exhaustion, 'sicker-than-usual', and depression/anxiety. It's a toxic cocktail that I would rather than drink, but somehow can't seem to stop, like it's already in my blood. I find myself having trouble remembering how to do the things I like to do (barring reading, thank GOODNESS that's still happening), and having to desperately try to remember normality (my version of normality) so I can get on with my day. Everything is just starting to feel that little bit too difficult.

I'm not going to say that I don't have good days - I definitely do, I'm just very aware of the holidays coming and of my pretty much never-increasing energy levels. I have very few effs left to give about a lot of things at the moment, but I am fighting to restore them. I can't really tell sometimes why I am fighting - perhaps I just need a holiday from the holidays? XD

Not sure how to finish this one, but I'm going to send lots of love and sparkles out to anyone else experiencing this end of year slump and overwhelm. It's rough. Look after yourself.

Love to all who read.

1 comment:

  1. You're working through so much baby. You're doing great.
    I'm sorry I haven't always been able to understand and empathise with your sickness and exhaustion. I'll keep trying ♥

    Also, you mentioned the toxic cocktail but not what you would rather do with it? I'm quite curious. Reminds me a bit of Dumbledore trying to get to the locket.


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