Perhaps I spend too much time in my head.

Sunday, July 8, 2012
But I'm not going to change who I am for anyone else.

My choices remain my own. If something seems right to me, and my intuition quietly says 'yes', then I will go after it. 

Sometimes I am thrown by the amount of change I am subjected to. I have been putting on a brave face for so long that it just feels normal now. Fake it til you make it - when it comes to confidence and energy, this does work the majority of the time.

But now others don't understand when I say that I push myself every day. Every single day. Some days it's easier than others.

Lately I feel like I tell this to people and they nod their heads with the right amount of sympathy in their eyes. And then we move on to another topic and it's like it flits right out of their brain. The last thing I want to do is become someone that complains about their illness all the time and how everything is the heaviest weight on their shoulders - so why do I keep turning to that?

I had gotten to a point of accepting my illness, as welcoming it as a part of me because that's what I needed to do to survive. And now? It feels like I'm trying to make the right choice for my body and move forward to a place where my body is rested and healthy, and others are pulling me back with complaints of 'but what if you isolate yourself from the world entirely?' and 'you are NOT your illness'. Yes. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that you care about me and you're trying to help, but when it comes to the end of everything, to the end of all your complaints and suggestions about how to see my world, I am the one who will make the decision.

And I'm tired. I am so very tired right now.


  1. "What if you isolate yourself entirely?"

    Then you'll venture out when you're ready to. What's wrong with that?

    1. Very true. I think the person who said that is frightened that I will become some kind of hermit and remove myself from the world. I have done that before.
      Unfortunately, with this sort of attitude in my head, I feel like I'm never able to collapse. And that's what I truly feel like doing lately. Just collapsing.

      Why can I not just go into my own little cocoon? It's times like this I wish I had my own place so I could just deal with things as they come - at my own pace.

  2. I seem to rant on about the nature of people quite a lot, but I think that it is quite natural for most people to withdraw from your pain to avoid being hurt themselves. I remember one day in high school I was having a terrible time, feeling depressed and suicidal and I started hurting myself for attention. The boy sitting next to me knew I was distressed, but had his own problems and didn't want to take it upon himself to help me. I thought he was heartless at first, but now I believe he just didn't have the capacity to care for someone else at the time.

    If each of us had endless time and endless energy, how kind we could be to one another! But sadly there are very few people in the world who are endless wells of compassion and strength, and we must each take the time to look after ourselves before we can look after others.

    On the days where you are less energetic and require a little more care, please don't feel guilty or as if you are burdening those around you; it is part of who you are and what you are experiencing, not a choice you are making to inflict upon others. Also, though not everyone can always care for you as much as you wish them to, it is important that you care for yourself and that you continue to reach out for help. You can find friends in the most unexpected places- there are many strangers who are kind and loving enough to be there for you if you need it, so don't lose hope!

    Finally, I hope to do my best to always be there for you (though this may not constantly be possible). I love you honey. Please don't withdraw from those who might miss you.


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