Erk.

I really didn't want to have to write this post today.

I question why I'm still doing this since nobody is really reading it, but the reading of it was never the main reason I started. It was more to remember and think through the things that are happening. And to give myself evidence that I am still learning and growing.

Today was a bit trying emotionally. This was probably because of a variety of factors, but I'll talk out the main ones.

1. Sunburn hurts.

Somehow (frustratingly) I was sunburnt yesterday and am dealing with it today. I already had a bit of a headcold, so I've been a bit grumpy and grr all through today.

It's mostly on my face, which means I'm a bit embarrassed to go outside (plus even the smallest amount of external heat is quite painful at this point). I also ended up having an allergic reaction to the gel that I was using, so even more grr.

2. The Pill.

I've been considering coming off the oral contraceptive pill because I don't think it's actually doing my body any good.

There is a lot of tension that goes with thoughts on this. While many studies show that the Pill is the leading contraceptive, they also show that it can cause so many side-effects that I'm just not willing to live with. Having been originally put on it for my acne (which is actually still here because I'm on a different Pill now which apparently doesn't really do much for my skin), I never really considered what it was that I was doing to my body.

I have come off it once before since it was messing with my anti-depressant and thus my mood, but then I started getting ovarian cysts.

Ovarian cysts aren't a hell of a lot to worry about. They're basically a pocket of fluid. As long as they don't grow too big or become cancerous, you're generally fine. Unfortunately, mine have a silly tendency of growing to about the size of a walnut and then rupturing, causing me extreme pain and often... spells of passing out with my eyes open. (This freaks out whoever is around me. And me.)

So, my doctor said that the best way of maintaining the cysts would be to go back on a low dose of the pill. My limited research into ovarian cysts insists that this is the most sensible diagnosis, but I'm irritated. I've had small episodes of similar pain, etc, without the passing out while still on the pill. Is this the cysts, or something else? And if it is the cysts, are they going to get worse if I DO come off the pill?

These episodes are the things that scare me the most about my body, and it is hard being scared of your own body. Especially when you're trying to do right by it. I have a huge fear of passing out when I'm alone and hitting my head. What happens then?

I am mostly at the point of wanting to talk to my GP about this, which I will probably do sometime this week, but the whole thought process has made me a bit low. Plus discussing it with my mum has made me feel low and stupid. I know she didn't mean to make me feel that way - she just wanted to make sure I understood that I am also on the pill for it's contraceptive purposes, and that if I come off I run a better chance of having to think about abortion or having a baby. Why yes, mum, I had thought of that. And I do intend, if I DO come off the pill, to monitor my contraceptive needs very closely. Believe it or not, I think these things through.

.....Okay yeh I just got totally side-tracked by another website there. Sorry!

Right now I'm feeling low and blah. Hopefully will find something to make me feel more bouncy soon, like reading a book that ISN'T about the Pill or about sadness. Might re-read something shiny or watch something happy. ^_^ Basically I'm treating myself extra nice this week! So yay. And Tai-Chi and Valentine's tomorrow~ <3

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