Another Update of Sorts

 Hello friends. How are you? It feels strange to be here again. My most recent update (on myself) happened back in January and I talked about how I wasn't really sure where I was going with this blog. I have little to say about that, honestly. I'm still posting the occasional book review, though many of them are quite late and the books I mention are relatively old. I'm still reading new releases, but I am often buying them with my own money and reading them for pleasure (shock!) and not doing much other than marking them as read and maybe giving them a star rating on Goodreads.

Things have been a little intense for me lately. (By 'lately' I do mean in the last few months.) There's been some health scares in the family, of all different kinds, and mental health issues have been pretty rough, too. My mental health has been all over the place. At the moment, I am fairly calm, (aside from needing to shoo the cat away just now because she insists on yelling at me), enjoying the visual of typing on my keyboard with a little ray of sun spilling across it. But I have had times of incredibly intense distress and fear, my anxiety has risen to the point that certain noises/sounds have become anathema to me, and I have started and ended my days trying to use food/tv/games/shopping as a way to numb myself from the intensity of the emotions that exist within me.

For those of you with mental health differences, this may all sound very familiar.

I've been doing my best to just ride out the wave, but, while it feels like this wave rises and falls, it also just keeps going and going and going, and I wonder how to get off the ride. Ultimately, I think I'm just going through some changes at the moment (this moment apparently has been going on for about two years now?) and I just need to 'hold the course' and continue trying to foster kindness for myself (and for others, I guess). Will I share more of my experiences on this blog? I'm not sure - perhaps. I don't know if it would be helpful at all for others to hear about this kind of thing, to be honest. Something else to sit with.

In other news, I have very tentatively gotten back into listening to Kpop. I have been following BTS for years, of course, but lately I felt strong enough to go back to SHINee and see what they were up to. With Taemin heading into the army for his service soon (May 31st), I have been really enjoying listening to his new mini-album, Advice, on YouTube Music. I am even thinking about purchasing a copy! I know, you may now collect your jaws from the floor on the way out. 

You know, even talking about Kpop is quite nice. Maybe I'll come back here to visit again soon. Hope you're all doing well, all my lovely lurkers.

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment health, mental health, rambling, thoughts, updates

Smallish Chat

Hello friends :)

It's been a while, huh? Here, let me get you a cup of something nice, and please, have this seat over here. It is covered in cushions, I know - please just remove whatever you want. Mind the cat, though.

The last time I posted was back in November last year. Now we're heading towards February and my thoughts have been drifting towards things like communication, and how different bodies function, and such. It's been strange for me to go from someone who posted pretty regularly to someone who barely remembers that I used to write at all. It used to be that every time I had a relatively good day with a little bit of energy and wherewithal, I would be sitting down at my computer/laptop/with a bit of paper and pen and jotting something out that had been floating around in my head. Lately, though, it's been more a case of occasionally looking inside my mind and finding virtually nothing, except maybe a few dust-bunnies having an argument about whether I should eat chocolate or cheese next.

Honestly, to me, this sounds an awful lot like burnout. Or depression. Or perhaps both. My mood has swung a bit, and I have days of deep sadness or numbness, but mostly I think I've just not been well enough to even consider writing or being very creative with words. My brain just can't handle it too well. And adding Summer into the mix has just meant that I have had trouble remembering the days too well, or a conversation that I had with my loved ones recently.

So, am I abandoning my blog and my writing completely? No. The short answer to that is definitely no. The slightly longer answer is no, but.... I may not be doing anything with it for a while? Or my writing may be extremely sporadic? For someone that desperately wanted to be published before, I can still notice that dream in me, just waiting at the back of my mind. But, at the moment, I find that I need to focus on just being me. 

And I think that's enough for now.

Love to all who read.

1 comment health, mental health, rambling, thoughts, updates

"Over-emotional"

Let's talk "over-emotional". Let's talk "over-reacting". Let's talk "over-thinking". Let's talk "too sensitive", "can't take a joke", and just plain "weird". Oooh or maybe let's not because this terrifies me.

No, I will, because it's come up a lot for me lately. And I've recently realised that this has been a theme for a lot of my life. 

I don't think I really identified myself as someone with 'too many' emotions until I was in high school, where I was told repeatedly that I had to stop 'over-reacting' or 'being so sensitive'. I was told by those close to me that I would never be able to 'make it in life' (whatever that means?) if I couldn't "take a joke"/"stop being so sensitive"/"insert slightly hurtful statement here". And, even now, I still feel like I am "overreacting" and "overthinking" things by even writing this post - some of you who are reading may agree, even. But, here's the thing, there's actually a reason why I am this way: I'm an HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person. 

Yeh, okay, I can see that some people think I am over-labelling (always 'over'-doing things, I see), or that that's not even a real thing (it is), or that I am just looking for excuses for being 'weak', perhaps. To which I answer - possibly. But also, possibly not. There has been so much research done into this, and it's still being researched. Those who are Highly Sensitive have a difficulty - and sometimes an inability - to switch off stimuli from entering into our brains. If we go out into public places, whilst others may be able to just focus on walking from point A to point B, only taking in stimuli as they need to, HSPs are being bombarded with everything. Where you have mostly been thinking about what bubble tea to order, we have been thinking of that, yes, but also what every other person is doing on the walkway, what those cars are doing, what that smell is, whether the sun is a bit too bright, what kind of tree that is, why is that light from that store flickering, etc., etc.. We are also pretty empathic, so if anyone around us is feeling some intense emotions, or, goodness, sharing those intense emotions in a loud voice, we are absorbing that, too. You may be able to see now how it's incredibly hard for HSPs to be relaxed and make decisions - we are literally receiving so many messages that it's difficult for us to even think straight. 

What bubble tea do I want? Uhhh....

The empathic part of being an HSP is because we have more active mirror neurons, which I don't really feel like going into, but if you're interested please have a read of this article which gives a more in-depth look at what mirror neurons are, and how they function. Suffice to say that I have a tendency to really internalise how other people are feeling, even if they haven't said anything to me or really acted that differently - I'm observant, I know when people are acting a little differently, I can pick up on the vibe. 

(I also just want to say that a lot of the time HSPs are just categorised as 'introverts', but there are quite a few extroverted HSPs (I am not one), and they have to learn to deal with all of this extra stimulus, too.)

Anyway, I actually don't really want to talk a lot about what an HSP is (I feel that I've done enough for now). What I want to talk about is my dislike of the words that I was using at the beginning of this post - particularly, "over-emotional", "over-thinking", and "over-reacting". I have been accused of being/doing all of these things so many times I can't even begin to count. I internalised it so much in high school that by the time I graduated and headed to University, I realised I had completely shut down all of my reactions - I wouldn't allow myself to really respond to things very much, for fear of being called out as "over-emotional". I stopped letting myself jump if something startled me, which was my main goal, but it meant that I also shut down reacting with excitement, happiness, or joy. I started not to feel those things, even, and so by my second year of Uni I was in a pretty deep depression. I had numbed everything. When I started to let things come back in, and started to let myself feel things again, the first thing that came through was anger. I was so. angry. Part of that anger was what I've come to realise is just part of my grieving process that comes around regularly because of being chronically ill (back then I definitely did not deal with it well, these days I am little more capable), but a lot of it was because I was angry at myself and at others for numbing myself in the first place.

It's taken many years to get myself back to a place where I let myself feel everything, and let myself react the way I want to. The way I need to, perhaps is the better way of putting it. I have introduced myself to Buddhist ideas of always choosing whether to act on these reactions, but it's no longer a knee-jerk reaction to immediately smother whatever feelings come up. (I will say this is still a work in progress. Sometimes I immediately smother a feeling because I am ashamed to be feeling that way. Compassion compassion...) I actually realised the other day that I am jumping when something startles me again - it feels so weird to have that reaction, and I am oddly proud to have my startle reflex back. 

Here's the thing - people still say that I over-think things. They still say that I over-react. I am beginning to care less if someone I'm not really that close to says that sort of stuff, but when someone I am close to says it, it really hurts. I want them to stop, yes, but I am also realising that, honestly, I am reacting, thinking, and emoting as much as feels right to me in the moment. It may be more than other people do in general (I know I feel things intensely), but it's part of who I am. And I refuse to keep smothering that. I'm not saying I'm going to start yelling when I'm angry, because I just don't like yelling at all (HSPs generally don't... loud noises or bright lights are just the worst), but if I feel worried about a relationship, I'm going to talk to the person about how I'm feeling and check in with them. If I want to react with glee to a new video posted by one of my favourite YouTubers, I'm going to do it!

A lot of my friends know just how emotional I am, and they love me. My partner knows that sometimes I get so overwhelmed with emotion that I need to take a minute by myself, and they love me. And you know what? I think I'm pretty rad, too. I'm glad I'm able to see that a little more, lately.

Love to all who read (and emote as much as they need to).

P.S. If you wanted to read more about what HSPs are, I would recommend Elaine Aron's work, as she has been studying sensitivity since 1991 and is basically the world expert on HSPs, and I'd also recommend an article like this for a light read. (Please keep in mind that the latter article is highly generalised, but a good introduction to some of the traits of HSPs. It may not apply to everyone.)

Leave a Comment emotions, history, HSP, mental health, self-love, thoughts

6 Things Making Me Smile

This post was inspired by the series of blog posts of the same name by The Dainty Squid. She is a marvel and you need to go check her out.


Here's something that may not be news to you: depression and anxiety SUCK. I've been dealing with some depressive episodes lately (and no, I'm not using the terms 'depression'/'depressive' or 'anxiety' just randomly here - I have been diagnosed with both depression and anxiety, and I would not use these terms randomly and without forethought. I know when I am just a bit sad and when I am depressed. Just a small disclaimer before we get into things!), and honestly, it doesn't get easier to confront that wall of nothingness/numbness. I have had times recently where I have swung from wanting to sob until I throw up/pass out, to being so numb that I don't really see the point of much. I have an idea of why this is happening, and I have realised that I need to go back to extreme self-care once more, and that is helping. Wow, is it helping. Guys, I'm even writing my own fiction work again. I haven't really been writing since... well. Many moons.

Anyway. I saw a post from a favourite blogger of mine (linked at the top of this post!) listing things that were making her smile, and I wanted to give it a go. Cultivate that attitude of gratitude and all those cheesey cliches that still have some loving truth to them. So here we go!

1. Alphonse(al)
Yes, for those in the know, I am talking about my plush toy seal. I got Alphonse in Japan in 2016 and he has been by my side since then. He's looking a little rough round the edges these days - a few marks here, some pulled stitches there, and his stuffing - once softer than the softest marshmallow - is now getting pretty lumpy. But he supports me (physically) through so many pains, and comforts me (emotionally) just by being something lovely to squeeze when I am feeling overwhelmed. I am so glad that I got over my idea of 'adults not having stuffed toys' in my early twenties because, damn, this floofy guy has gotten me through so much.

Bottlebrush and beautiful sky~

2. Birdlife
There was a lot of birds about at our old house - the garden enticed all manner of birds, including honeyeaters, pigeons (of course), magpies, mudlarks, rainbow lorikeets, twenty-eight parrots, and even some lovely red-capped parrots. We also saw the odd kookaburra, which I adored. And chickens would regularly wander over from our neighbours yard.

It was hard to move away from that, but I have already spotted so many honeyeaters, wattle birds, mudlarks, and even our resident raven: I have named them Rufus. Rufus is a bit of a cheeky fellow, and often brings stale bread to soften in our bird bath, which I find hilarious. (Rufus has also been known to bring... other things. I found a bone in the bird bath once. Ravens have such varied diets.)

Spotted outside a book sale

3. Tea
I make no secret of how much I adore tea, and given that I used to review tea on this blog, I don't think it comes as much of a surprise that tea is helping me through some rough patches. I recently bought a teacup from one of my favourite secondhand stores - it's a gorgeous little item, white with red and pink roses, and gold trim that has almost been entirely rubbed away. I adore it. I've made many pots of tea and just sat down with a book or some writing, and happily made little cups of tea. I even managed a cup of Lady Grey tea recently, and it was delightful. I hope I don't have any fallout from that, but oh, how I love black tea.

Eucalyptus!

4. Victober
I only recently stumbled across Victober, due to having a different booktuber suggested to me by YouTube. That booktuber (the lovely Katie of Books and Things) was discussing her Victober TBR, and consequently explained that Victober was a readathon during the month of October where you read as much Victorian literature as you can. I was excited - I have some small experience with Victorian literature, but not a lot, and I am so happy to be participating this year. I have already read The Warden (my first Anthony Trollope) and am just really loving getting to dive into so many wonderful books. I was lucky enough to find a few things to add to my tbr whilst at a recent secondhand book sale, and I am hoping to add a couple more later in the month if I can get to a secondhand book store, but I am also utilising my libraries as per usual. It's really comforting to me to feel included in something like this, and I am trying to stay engaged on Instagram as much as I can.

Waratah!

5. Flowers
I've been given flowers a couple of times in my life, and I am always excited, happy, and touched to have them. I don't know why I don't buy them for myself more often - I think it might be tied up in feeling 'unworthy' or something ridiculous like that, plus also maybe feeling as if they die too quickly to justify the expense? I can kind of understand that idea, but they bring me so much joy whilst alive, that I want to make more of an effort to have them. Xin bought me a beautiful pink waratah a couple of weeks ago, along with some lovely eucalyptus leaves (which smell AMAZING). The waratah brought a smile to myself every time I saw it, and I gave it a beautiful spot next to the sink in our kitchen, where lovely sunlight would make it glow.
The waratah wilted over time, but we have now replaced it with some amazingly vibrant orange roses. Orange has never been a favourite colour of mine, but this year I am learning to love it more and more, and these flowers are just... so joyful. Buying yourself flowers, or receiving them from someone, is just so glorious. (Apologies to those that are allergic!) [P.s. I hope you enjoy many photos of flowers throughout this post!]

The colour of these is just so vibrant!

6. My Weighted Blanket
Xin bought this for me for my birthday this year, and I have been rediscovering my love for it since we moved house. Some days I am actually too weak to use it (and trying to use it on those days makes me feel a little trapped and panicky), but on the days when I am having fibro pain (which is bad lately) or I need that little bit of extra comforting, this blanket is just wonderful. I know there's not a whole lot of research data to back up the assistance it offers, but I wanted to try it out, and I am so pleased with the results. It's comforting and helps with my pain - do I care if that's a placebo? {No. I don't.}


And there you have it, folks! These things are all helping me keep my head above water and, whilst I will never say that these things 'cure' my depression (because even with acknowledging them, I'm still having bad days because recovery isn't linear and depression/anxiety don't work that way), noticing them certainly helps. What's making you smile lately?

Love to all who read.

Leave a Comment gratitude, mental health, self-love, thoughts

Moving House and the Difficulties of Rest

Hello all! (I don't really know what 'all' really means, cannot really quantify it, and yet I continue to send these posts out into the void! Well, if you're reading this, thanks. :))

I moved house two weeks ago. Honestly I feel startled that it's only been two weeks... Surely it's been more like four? But no, I checked the dates, it's been two. I think I've mentioned on my blog previously that my partner and I had been going through some stressful stuff, but that we were doing well enough considering, and ultimately a lot of that 'difficult stuff' led to us needing to move house, or at least, deciding to. We probably could have stayed on at the old place, but it had just become so difficult and stressful having to deal with the situation that we opted for mental health and decided to get out of there.

As much as I am sad to have left the old place - it had a big beautiful garden that we adored, and the birdlife was wondrous - I am very happy at the new place already. It's quite old, and reminds me a lot of the place my grandma used to live when I was little. It has things that need to be fixed, and a lot of little quirks, but it's cozy, sweet, and feel like a really good fit.

Something that came up again and again for me during the moving process and now afterwards was my limitations - how much my body could handle before it just gave out completely. I will admit to being pretty amazed at how much I was capable of, whilst also trying to remind myself to rest regularly. As I am sure is the case with a lot of spoonies, it was really hard having to acknowledge over and over again that my energy levels were quite different from my partner's, or even my parents'. I felt so grateful during the move for all the help we got, and continue to receive, and I have been making more of an effort to lean into that rather than dwell on how few spoons I have now.

On the day of the move, I was unable to participate for over half the day. I woke up in the morning and promptly got extremely sick, my pain levels skyrocketing. It was possibly because I had done too much the day before - building Ikea furniture for the new place (I had also been experiencing some bad symptoms during that time but my pain levels were tolerable. So, aside from a few times when I enforced rest with myself a bit, I was pretty active.). My parents had to come pick me up and take me to their place, so that I would be out of the way. I am proud of the way I handled this - I could have fallen in a heap, crying and cursing the chronic illness gods (is there such a thing? that would be interesting.) and refusing to give in, pushing my body despite it's pain to the very limits until I ended up at hospital. I definitely could have done that. Instead, with calm but great sadness, I made the decision that would ultimately be the best choice for everyone, and I called my Dad. Later on in the day I felt able to go to the new house and direct people on where to put bookcases and such, and to help unpack.

Since the moving day, there's been a lot to do, but I've noticed that my body just can't handle very much. I still do a fair amount, but I know I'm very depleted. Sometimes I feel this pain in my stomach which I have begun to associate with sheer exhaustion - like I have drawn on all my reserves and am running on empty, damaging myself in the process. Energy doesn't come from the void, and I have to be putting back in for a while, I think.

Even knowing all this, and calmly reporting it to you now, I am still having trouble resting as much as I need to. I am making mistakes and doing too much pretty regularly whilst I learn what my new limitations are. (I also may have caught a cold so add that to the things needing healing!) And I'm trying really hard to show myself compassion while that happens - I knew that I would be depleted by everything that has been happening, but I never really know how depleted I'm going to be, and what form that depletion will take. I guess you could say I am experiencing burnout, but a kind of burnout that has - through necessity - had to last for many months. I have times when the very idea of having to leave the house is enough to reduce me to tears, it just feels like too much. And that's probably because it is. I need to be so gentle with myself, and that's okay. I'm okay to keep exploring what my body can manage now, and to find new and better ways to rest. Just part of my journey.

Love to all who read.

Really enjoying kefir lately!

reading outside in the sun.

1 comment health, mental health, musings, thoughts, updates

Compassion Challenge

Dear readers,

Hello dear ones. I am currently sitting on my bed, it's about 11pm at the time of writing this, and I have the fan on nearby which is providing some background noise. It has been warmer here in Perth - 32 degrees Celsius today and expected 37 tomorrow, I believe - and my aversion to heat has been coming up a bit. I'm working on it.

I have written previously about how I have been sicker than usual lately, and that's still happening. It could be happening for any number of reasons, but I don't really want to go into them at the moment. The fact of the matter is that it's happening. I had migraine symptoms last night, for example, and then managed to go to sleep without taking painkillers, thinking I was doing a wonderful thing trying to treat it with sleep, only to wake up this morning with worse pain, plus searing sunshine to boot. Tears were shed, I will tell you that much.

Something I have noticed over the past couple of weeks is that this prolonged period of being sicker than usual has begun to work on my mind and my mood. Depression is present, and anxiety is often high. I am feeling my isolation and sometimes loneliness acutely, and I have been feeling alone - rather than enjoying solitude. I am an introverted Highly Sensitive Person, so alone time is usually wonderfully helpful for me to fill up my cup and be able to be there for others. But it's just not happening that way - I feel like I fill up my cup and then something small happens and it just spills everywhere. I am left with an empty cup again, and a reasonable amount of frustration and anger. And sadness.

Many of my thoughts turn to the idea of whether I will be able to do the things I want to do - write, read, blog, vlog, learn Japanese, other things I adore - or if I need to let them go. I have been doing my best, but I have to admit - self-compassion, and thus compassion for others, has been at an all time low.

I like to think of myself as a pretty compassionate, calm, caring person. But at the moment I feel like a poor version of the self I was in my second year of Uni - mental breakdown, self-hatred, self-harm. (Please note: I no longer self-harm, and I do not engage with suicidal ideation.) I do not want to go back down that path, but I can feel depression at the edges of my vision, and I am noticing desires to lash out and hurt people because I hurt. That isn't who I am, so I'm going to change something.

Honestly the idea for this came out of a magazine - Womankind: Issue #15. The whole issue is pretty much dedicated to Tibet and, as part of it, the magazine asked several readers to embark upon a five day compassion challenge - be nicer to yourself, and others. Try to notice negative thoughts and turn them around, or at least forgive yourself for having them. And whilst reading this, I started to feel better. I started to feel like I wasn't so alone. Compassion is such a huge part of how I see the world, and I lost that at some point when I realised that I was going through a bad patch with my health. I want to change that.

So, for the month of December, I am going to try a compassion challenge - we're a couple of days in, but that's okay. I'm doing the best I can. (Compassion points already!) I'm going to try and notice my thoughts when they become negative, and gently try to turn them around - or at least give myself some hugs and love for doing the best I can.

If you would like to join me, I'd really love that. I may even make some vlogs about this over on my youtube channel, I'm honestly not sure at this point. I'd love to hear from you about the Compassion Challenge - definitely chat to me in the comments about it. I will try and post updates on here frequently to let you know how I'm going.

Love to all who read.

1 comment Compassion Challenge, mental health, thoughts

Spoonie Musings // Guilt and Relationships

Many of you know that I am married and have been with my partner Xin for almost eleven years now (married for almost three). We got together towards the end of our high school years, which meant that Xin has been there for a lot of my spoonie diagnoses, tests, and operations. He is a wonderful partner, a wonderful person in general, and I love him deeply.

And yet, being chronically ill in a relationship is seriously hard sometimes.

I can't work - at least, not in the typical 9 to 5 way, and not really shift-work either (I can do some editing and writing work online but it depends how I am travelling at that point in time - ie. am I having any random flares at the moment?) - so making money is pretty much all up to Xin. He supports me financially, as well as our cat, Peppermint. Money is rough for any spoonie - shelling out the bucks for medications, treatments, surgeries, health insurance (if you're lucky enough to have it), all of it means you are paying some big moolah. I have a very specific diet that I have to follow if I want to remain even slightly healthy, and sometimes that can add up, too. Financials are stressful for any relationship, and then for spoonie relationships it is a whole new thing.

Going on dates is a somewhat difficult topic, too. Some days I can totally manage it - absolutely no worries, having a pretty good day, minimal pain or discomfort, and I can walk unaided. Score! And my stomach is okay with me having tea that day! Double score!
Then there are days when I need assistance - pain levels may be higher, discomfort present, I can't do certain things like see movies because I have a migraine on the way, or I need to make sure that I won't need to walk up loads of stairs or I have access to a cane to assist me. Toilets need to be present - alwayyyys. Just in case. Better safe than sorry. All those random cliche things.

And then... there are days when we have planned for a date and I wake up that day just feeling rubbish. Too sick to get up, heart working way too hard, standing or walking are pretty much off the table. How do you have a decent date when you can barely manage a conversation?

Guilt can rush in really quickly in times like this. And the 'if onlys'. "If only I could work a little bit, or do this thing, or that other thing, then I could make more money and there would be less stress and strain on my partner to bring home money." "I wonder what ways there are for me to make money from home (does the thing and slowly gets burnt out completely and can't even do the dishes anymore)"
"If I hadn't of >insert item eaten, activity done, thought considered here< then I would be able to go on that date today! Dammit." "I wonder if my partner minds that I can't go on dates often - it must be so hard for them, etc. etc. >making assumptions and vastly blowing everything out of proportion without actually asking partner anything<"

You can see how it can kind of get out of control.

Do I have any recommendations here? Honestly, like many spoonie conditions, I don't think there is a solve-all pill here. There is no instant cure or 'if you just remember this one step everything will be fine!' amazing result. No, this is always going to be hard - it always has been, in my experience. But I have a couple of things that I would like to suggest (and have written down so I can refer to it myself, because yeesh I forget this stuff so often):

1. Communicate communicate communicate. You need to stop making assumptions about how your partner is feeling and actually talk to them. Seriously, I know this is really scary sometimes - what if all your worst fears are true? Well, what if? Your partner will most likely want to work through them, too, and you will grow even closer to them in the process. Bottom line: nothing is going to get any better if you're not on the same page.
2. Compassion is a necessity. Towards your partner, towards yourself. Towards the person who is taking a superrrr long time to get out of the bathroom. I know it sucks, and it hurts, and everything feels really gross and hard, but if you can show people a little compassion - including yourself - sometimes that can make things easier. Remember - your illness or condition is already difficult enough to deal with. Don't compound that and make it doubly hard by punishing yourself in your mind.
3. Take three deep breaths. Even just this little routine can give you a little distance from the issue and stop you from spiralling down into nothingness. Take three deep breaths, think through whether you've been down this guilt-trip before, think about whether it is helping. Repeat until things feel less awful.

I just wanted to write this for anyone else struggling with this sort of guilt - I am getting better at recognising when it comes by, but I'm still not great. It's all a process, I guess!!

Love to all who read.

1 comment mental health, musings, rambling, spoonie diaries, thoughts

Spoonie Musings // More Thoughts on Sleep

Ah yes, my sleeping patterns woes continue. I thought I was doing better, but my body seems to want me to stay up late and the sleep long into the day, but then it also gives me lots of symptoms for doing that... and lots of symptoms if I don't... Are you confused yet? I sure am.

Life as a spoonie is really weird sometimes. Okay, maybe all the time. Even when things are going well, it is a little weird because of dietary restrictions ('so you can have... what can you have?' 'things that aren't trying to kill me?'), physical activity or movement restrictions ('I'm going to go do this kind of physical fun thing! Want to join me?' 'Uh I can't, I have this thing...' 'What thing?' 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.'), and/or other things like... mental health stuff that is going on at the most frustrating possible moment ('I was going to go out and go for a walk, and maybe sit in a park for a while, but then I didn't.' 'Oh. Why not?' 'I remembered that I can't handle even the slightest hint of human interaction outside of my home right now...').

Spoonie issues come in all forms, and most of them are kind of strange in one way or another. I can take enough of a step back from my life to acknowledge that. Even now, as I write this, I can feel my stomach beginning to hurt, despite the fact that I haven't really eaten anything in about two hours, and certainly not something that was cause pain. And I think that is the most frustrating thing about being a spoonie for me: the not knowing. 

And that might be the most frustrating thing when it comes to my bizarre sleeping pattern right now: I have no idea whether I should just honour what my body is saying it wants and stay up, or trying and go to sleep at a 'normal' time to try and reset my body clock. Honestly, I have tried both in the last few weeks, to mixed results. I'd be the first person to admit that sometimes, whether it be because you haven't had enough time to yourself, or your brain is just not slowing down, or various other reasons, you just really need to stay up later than you usually would to reconnect to yourself, or read a book, or play a game, or, dammit, watch that show you've been meaning to get around to for months. Sometimes it just has to happen.

Other times, you need to work on your sleeping habits. Limiting screen use before bed, having a nice warm bath, or a glass of milk, or whatever normally works for you. Going to bed at a reasonable time and trying to get up with your alarm for once, instead of about twenty minutes (to an hour...) afterwards.

But I just don't know what realm I am in at the moment. It's certainly a grey area. It's neither the white light of early morning, or the pitch black of the night owl's lair, but just a grey in-between where sleep is a bizarre creature that I cannot tame. Maybe I should stop trying? (ie. just sleep during the day hahahahaha *manic laughter ensues*)

Love to all who read.


P.S. I have recently stumbled across the work of Charlie Bowater, and I really wanted to share some of her work here. Please visit the links underneath the image to check out her website, deviantart and society6 pages!

Charlie Bowater Website

deviantart
society6

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Good Reading (and Watching) // For When You're Not Okay

I have been dealing with a lot of my stuff coming up this week. Old problems, old pains. Some new ones in the mix, just to spice things up. Old traumas, too. I have felt like my existence is wrong, and that I am letting everyone down because I am not "better". I have felt lost, confused, and so so angry about things.

I have had good moments. They have been there. But at the moment, because I am feeling vulnerable and sad, and a whole mess of other stuff, I can mostly only remember the bad stuff of the week, and the stuff that is to come.

So, even though I just posted yesterday with some links that may interest you, I wanted to do one with links that I turn to sometimes when I am feeling awful, and downright not-okay. Here are a few. I hope they help you, wherever you're at.

http://rainycafe.com/

A dear online friend of mine, perhaps the first online friend I ever made back when I was in... middle school I think?, shared this link with me when I said I liked the sound of rain, but didn't have the money to invest in one of those sound-makey things. I have since found other ones, but I can't help coming back to this one. It calms me down to hear the rain, and sometimes I put on the cafe sounds, too, if I need to feel safe with other people that aren't going to ask me what's going on. Thanks, Moochi. I love you so much.


http://www.exocomics.com/rain

This one pairs so well with the rainy noises. I look at it for an instant feeling of coziness and calm. Extra Ordinary comics does a lot of amazing stuff that makes me giggle and smile, which is something that cannot be overlooked at times like this.


http://www.terriwindling.com/blog/2016/04/illness-as-narrative.html

An old blog post from Myth & Moor that I return to whenever chronic illness recurrence is getting me down. I believe this was shared with me about a year ago by a spoonie friend, and I have saved it for times when I just feel so beaten down and frustrated that chronic illness is still a thing that I have. This is helpful.


I am going to leave it there, and go find some faerie books to lose myself in. I may do another post like this if it proves helpful for others.

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Feeling my way forwards.

You know when it is dark, and you can't see anything, you tend to automatically reach out your hands to try and feel for any bad things that might be coming, that might be about to hit you in the face? Your steps are kind of jittery, juddering, shakily feeling forward to avoid tripping. You are kind of fearful, worried, afraid of the unknown.

I feel like grief is kind of like that. Whatever you are grieving, sometimes it is not someone you know passing away, sometimes it is losing a friendship, losing a sense of groundedness or connection, losing a part of yourself that you thought would be there forever. In your grief, you are in the dark. This is not some logical progression, a step-by-step instruction list that you can follow to get from A to B. This is just the unknown, and you are sitting right in the middle of it.

And this darkness is so complete that sometimes you're not even sure if you are moving forward, or just going around in circles, or somehow, hopefully not, going backward.

Grief is a lesson in patience, one that I never feel ready or capable of learning. I am often feeling like I am fine, like I am moving out of it, like I am coping well, and then my foot will catch on something and suddenly I am completely unsure of myself again, lost back in the darkness, fumbling for the light.

There is not much else to say here, no deep wisdom to impart, just a reminder to you (to myself) to be gentle. To commit yourself to any simple thing you can do - even if it's just getting up to get a glass of water. Feel the glass under your fingers, listen to the water as it enters the cup, and really feel the water as you drink it. It may sound silly, but even just experiencing that much can draw you back, can restore a little bit of confidence to you.

All my love to those who read.

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