Life as a spoonie is really weird sometimes. Okay, maybe all the time. Even when things are going well, it is a little weird because of dietary restrictions ('so you can have... what can you have?' 'things that aren't trying to kill me?'), physical activity or movement restrictions ('I'm going to go do this kind of physical fun thing! Want to join me?' 'Uh I can't, I have this thing...' 'What thing?' 'Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.'), and/or other things like... mental health stuff that is going on at the most frustrating possible moment ('I was going to go out and go for a walk, and maybe sit in a park for a while, but then I didn't.' 'Oh. Why not?' 'I remembered that I can't handle even the slightest hint of human interaction outside of my home right now...').
Spoonie issues come in all forms, and most of them are kind of strange in one way or another. I can take enough of a step back from my life to acknowledge that. Even now, as I write this, I can feel my stomach beginning to hurt, despite the fact that I haven't really eaten anything in about two hours, and certainly not something that was cause pain. And I think that is the most frustrating thing about being a spoonie for me: the not knowing.
And that might be the most frustrating thing when it comes to my bizarre sleeping pattern right now: I have no idea whether I should just honour what my body is saying it wants and stay up, or trying and go to sleep at a 'normal' time to try and reset my body clock. Honestly, I have tried both in the last few weeks, to mixed results. I'd be the first person to admit that sometimes, whether it be because you haven't had enough time to yourself, or your brain is just not slowing down, or various other reasons, you just really need to stay up later than you usually would to reconnect to yourself, or read a book, or play a game, or, dammit, watch that show you've been meaning to get around to for months. Sometimes it just has to happen.
Other times, you need to work on your sleeping habits. Limiting screen use before bed, having a nice warm bath, or a glass of milk, or whatever normally works for you. Going to bed at a reasonable time and trying to get up with your alarm for once, instead of about twenty minutes (to an hour...) afterwards.
But I just don't know what realm I am in at the moment. It's certainly a grey area. It's neither the white light of early morning, or the pitch black of the night owl's lair, but just a grey in-between where sleep is a bizarre creature that I cannot tame. Maybe I should stop trying? (ie. just sleep during the day hahahahaha *manic laughter ensues*)
Love to all who read.
P.S. I have recently stumbled across the work of Charlie Bowater, and I really wanted to share some of her work here. Please visit the links underneath the image to check out her website, deviantart and society6 pages!
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