Wednesday, April 18, 2018

Spoonie Musings // What even IS 'pain-free'?

Hello! And a special shout-out to all my fellow chronic pain friends. As of the last couple of weeks, my pain levels have been worse every day than they used to be. What I mean by that is... I experience pain everyday with my conditions, but usually not all day every day. The last couple of weeks, though, have had me experiencing pain of a higher level than usual all day every day. And every night.

And yes, I am noticing how it affects me.

Sleep has never been that refreshing for me, even when I sleep a total of ten to twelve hours a day (including whatever I managed overnight, naps, sleeping in...). But lately, it's even less refreshing. And it takes me hours to fall asleep. So sleep is kind of a tense subject in my mind at the moment.

And I'm snappy. Grumpy. Pain wears you down and hollows you out. You find you have less patience overall for things like... ants invading your kitchen (yes, this is happening at the moment, and YES it is driving me up the wall). I find I have to work extra hard not to snap at people, or swear at the television when someone I don't like is on it (for example, a few people know that I watch Running Man (a Korean variety tv show) and adore it, but there is one particular person who is on there that just rubs me the wrong way. Lately I am find it very hard not to call said person not-very-nice-names...).

Finally, my everyday life is kind of...dimmed. I can't focus on things very well (hence this really choppy and strange blog post), so working on my writing and such things are basically out of the question at the moment. Even reading is quite hard, I just force myself to do it anyway. I'm exhausted all the time, so spending time with my husband is often in the form of me sitting nearby and reading while he games - which is totally great, but I kind of wish I was slightly more aware so we could game together, or play a boardgame... 

Anyway. That's just a little update about how I'm going, and about how chronic pain is impacting me and my life. Despite things being pretty rough at the moment, I am still okay with how I'm handling things overall, and I do note that my experience of pain may be completely different from someone else's. But I think sharing this kind of thing is important, so that we spoonies remember that, even with these isolating conditions, we are not alone in our experiences.

Love to all who read.

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