Right now, I am sitting in my reading chair, sweet handmade patchwork quilt on my lap (made by my friend Emily a few years ago - and extremely loved by me), kitty nearby snoozing, a hot drink cooling gently, and dark chocolate covered cherries for snacking (they are seriously addictive, but I need to watch how many I eat because caffeine). It's a pretty sweet setup, honestly.
And I am enjoying it, and so grateful for it, but that only really kicked in after I realised that my symptoms probably aren't going to ease anytime soon, so I may as well enjoy the good parts of my day instead of focusing on pain and discomfort. It's still going to be there, and I will do my best to ease it, but I'm not going to rest my enjoyment of the day on whether or not the symptoms go away. Because that's one way to just not enjoy my day at all.
Today's pace has been all over the place. It started with me stumbling out of bed to feed the cat, letting my tea go cold as I tried to wake up, finally realising that I hadn't meditated yet (and then doing that), and then going out to the shops for some things Xin and I hadn't managed to get earlier in the week (plus these delicious cherries). And then getting home and realising that I was sill exhausted, still sick, and so had to cut down on the amount of things I was going to do today, including catching up with a friend I haven't seen in ages.
Ultimately, even after seventeen years of being sick, I still feel guilty when I have to cancel on a friend. It's a weird mix of: feeling sad that I can't see them, feeling a bit like a flake for cancelling so late, worrying that I have hurt their feelings in some way, and feeling frustrated with my illnesses for 'taking things away from me'. There's probably some other stuff in there somewhere, but those are the main ones.
The only way I have found to counteract this stuff, is to feel gratitude for what I am able to experience right now. Like, giving myself the gift of rest, cozy blankets, time with my cuddly cat. Books! (Will books ever be something that isn't at the top of my favourites list?) I also had to do some work today (editing), so I just tried to make that as comfortable as possible for myself (the cherries helped there, too. As did a lovely candle burning nearby.) It is occurring to me more lately that I can make things easier on myself, instead of just rigidly trying to push through everything, resenting it the whole way, and then collapsing afterwards.
Basically, I need to keep checking in with myself during the course of the day, and seeing if I need to ease some negative self-talk, or change the way I'm doing something so it's more comfortable for me. This is definitely a process, and I am going to be as kind to myself as possible while I work through it.
Love to all who read.
P.S. Here's a pic I took whilst as Araluen the other day with Xin. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, and I loved being there with him and walking amongst the beautiful plant life. Highly recommend some nature in your life if you have the energy!
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