Thursday, March 22, 2018

Experiments in Spoonie Science

So, I have been doing things. Lots of things. And one of those things which is the biggest thing happens a couple of times a week and is huge and draining but I love it, but also it is slowly draining me away (some days not so slowly).

[I am not sorry for being so vague. A thing happened to me which kind of shook my trust of a lot of people and so I reserve the right to be vague. It is not super necessary to my story to know what the thing is anyway.]

I have watched my energy drain away and witnessed myself turning back into a semi-moving almost-spoonless creature, and that brought up a lot of things for me. Things related to worth, and capability, and societal expectations.

And I watched myself beginning to crack under the weight of all of these burdens. I lost myself in those burdens.

And then a part of me remembered that hey. I've been here before. I've dealt with this shit before. How can I make space for where I am right now?

And so I got quiet. And listened.

It took a while, honestly. Longer than I thought it would. And there were distractions - things that needed to be done, before I could come back and resume the quiet. But eventually I got a few messages from within: Go simple. Slow down. Remember to breathe.

So I began to experiment. When I noticed myself rushing, I would deliberately slow things down. When I noticed I was trying to hold multiple conversations in my head, I would reduce to the one, the simplest, that I could address in that moment. I remembered my breath, and let it pull me back to the present, instead of reliving painful past, or planning for possible painful future.

I have started to get other messages lately, more specific ones about what I need. A lot of it is about self-love, self-care, and letting myself 'off the hook'. I have noticed my tendency to overthink things, and tried to pull back from imagining that I know what other people are thinking or expecting of me. Ultimately that doesn't matter.

I am doing the best I can. And, right now, that means going simple, slowing down, and remembering to breathe.

Love to all who read.

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