Spoonie Musings: An Unusual Moment

Thursday, October 12, 2017
I am sitting at my desk, reading blog posts (by other people, for once), and I just realised something - at this moment in time, I am experiencing no pain. I am almost always in some level of pain: usually from my stomach, sometimes my back or neck, sometimes my head or my eyes. Right now, I feel quite tired, and a little strained in my eyes from looking at a screen without my glasses (I really should go get them...), but I am experiencing no pain.

This is a really bizarre moment for me to realise, and I am not sure what to make of it. I feel like it is just a case of 'this too shall pass' - pain passes on or changes, no pain can change to much pain later on. Practising non-attachment seems to be a good way to go. But it is still nice to notice, and to be grateful for this moment.

Being sick for sixteen years (yes, it has been that long) has shown me quite a lot of things. And I still feel like I am confused as ever. But moments like this, where I can just sit back and recognise how far I have come - to be able to recognise that I'm not in pain, to be able to be grateful for that instead of raging against the world for not making it like this all the time, to recognise that it will most likely pass on - this is a really lovely thing.

Sometimes life feels like a selection of windows, connected together by a great long hallway. Snapshots of things that happen in my life that are drastic or huge. But I am finding space now to recognise the times in between those windows (when I am just in hallway, if you will keep following me down this rather odd analogy) and to appreciate them. Yes, I have been very sick in the last couple of months, but I've still been doing things. I've still been educating myself about diet and fertility, I've still been thinking about what my dreams are and, if not actively being capable of moving towards them, managing to keep them in my mind instead of dismissing them out of hand.

The in between moments can be really gorgeous, if you can stop and take a moment to see them. Thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings.

Love to all who read.

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