I wrote about burnout at the start of the year, and I think that was just the beginning of things. In that post, I talked about how fighting burnout just doesn't work because there's nothing to swing at, and I still believe that is true. But guess what? I tried to fight through it, anyway.
I didn't even really realise that was what I was doing until recently. I felt like I 'should be better by now' and that maybe I was just being lazy, or pretending, or just wasting everyone's time... Yeh, a lot of old stuff started coming up for me, and I somehow convinced myself that it might be true this time. So I told myself that that was what other people in my life were secretly thinking (untrue) and that I needed to "get my act together" (not even sure I know what this means). So I pushed, did more chores, started looking for a new place (Xin and I are moving soon), started freaking out about our cat (she was a bit sick recently) and trying to fix her by myself, all the while ignoring all the symptoms that were popping up, or the warning signs that indicated I needed to just slow down.
This has happened so many times before, and I really felt like I ought to know how to deal with it properly, but even this time it took a few conversations with Xin for me to realise what I had been putting myself through.
The thing is, burnout doesn't just go away when you are ready for it to be gone. It can sometimes be a ridiculously extended process - especially when you push yourself to get more things done - and I'm afraid that with all my experience of burnout, the main thing to remember is to let go. (Sure, go ahead, sing the Frozen song. You know it's already in your head.) Find your balance again. Forget about forcing things to work, and take some time to just be.
Right now, I am going to drink some more bubble tea (okinawan brown sugar milk tea!) and read some more of the book I am loving at the moment (Nevernight by Jay Kristoff) and chill out for a while. Any links to burnout recovery are welcome below!
Love to all who read.