Either way, I have been hibernating a fair amount the last couple of days. I have been sleeping a lot more than usual (often going back to bed after Xin leaves for work, usually sleeping til lunchtime), and I have been craving comforts like there's no tomorrow (evidenced by the chocolate in the fridge, the marshmallows in the cupboard, and the english muffin I am thinking about toasting in a minute...).
I have been wondering for weeks what is up with me, trying to fight through the desire to keep sleeping, trying to remind myself of all the fun things that I have to do, and also remind myself of my return to studying Buddhist texts (seems short-lived now...). But I seem to just keep on going to bed, reading when I can, and generally trying to stop myself from buying things that we can't afford.
Over and over I have asked myself 'why? why is this happening? am I just getting lazy?', and then inevitably the 'shoulds' will kick in, to make me feel kind of bad, leading to long discussions with Xin about how we decided I should take some time to just be me for a while, without Centrelink and other stuff breathing down my neck.
And then I remembered today, and I started laughing.
See, the thing is, sometimes I forget that I have chronic illnesses. It's not like I ever completely forget that they're there, because I have pain every day and oftentimes have to deal with random symptoms popping up whenever they feel like it. It's more that I forget that having a chronic illness (or several) kind of means certain things - such as, when I have pushed myself hard for a good six months or so, slowly wearing down at my own resilience and depleting my energy levels significantly, I can end up pretty exhausted and lethargic. During these times, sometimes I have trouble getting out of bed. Sometimes I have more symptoms than usual which have one main treatment - rest. And sometimes, doing things that I usually find super fun, are actually more depleting than usual.
I had started to think that maybe my depression was coming back to say hello before I remembered the second half of 2012, where I had trouble even going to the bathroom unassisted, after spending the first half of 2012 studying part-time and working part-time (which had complications) and driving myself to the point of complete exhaustion. I haven't pushed myself that hard this time round, but having just finished a second degree at the end of last year, and then planning a wedding and a honeymoon, and then doing said wedding and honeymoon, I was a little worn out.
Recovery is a strange thing to me. Sometimes you feel like you've entered a state of limbo where you can't seem to move forward at all, and you wonder if you are in fact recovering at all. I am learning, always learning, to trust that maybe that state is just a place your body and mind puts you in, to try and heal you. Like how in science fiction movies (or, you know, Dragonball Z) where people are placed in a tank where they have to stay pretty still so they can heal everything - sometimes stasis = healing.
So I am investigating my badger nature, and my badger-state of hibernation/stasis, and I am trying to be patient. I may try and write more notes soon. For now, have a picture of a badger performing my favourite past-time of late...
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