not thinking just writing

since I handed in my final assignment for my degree at the end of November and picked up a few things that had been floating idly until I was ready, things kind of started to spiral a bit. I couldn't find my centre, and I still can't it seems.

I realised after a couple of weeks that I was burnt out, and my oft-repeated reaction to things was to feel overwhelmed and unable to do much of anything. I didn't cease to function - I was still doing household chores, doing the Christmas shopping, organising wedding stuff - but it was more difficult, and some days I found it hard to even figure out who I was.

I have been slowly reintroducing things that I know usually help, like a gentle morning routine, and spending time watching youtubers I adore, or series that I have rewatched about ten times. I am rereading a series of books by Anne Bishop that for some reason makes me feel all comfortable and safe, even though it features creatures that are quick to attack humans in some cases (my mind works in mysterious ways).

And yet, I still don't feel right. The post-Christmas malaise is hitting me hard today and I am just feeling a little lost. I am struggling to understand all of this, and my body seems to want to go through stages of grief even with me feeling confused - today has featured a whole lot of weeping, for example. Tears just leaking out of my eyes without any other reaction whatsoever. There doesn't seem to be any reason for it aside from this being something I just need to sit with at the moment.

I need to be weepy and slow-moving, I need to sit and cuddle Beeyore, read books when my eyes will focus, drink lots of things and maybe get some tasty (but probably not very healthy) food. And I need to stop trying to figure this out, or push my way through it, because that actually isn't helping.

I have a vague idea of this being about me finishing my degree and being a little unsure of what is next, but I think I need to let things happen for a while, instead of forcing them to happen. I'm going to try and be patient.

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