I have not posted in quite some time, and I have no real explanation for that. For some time, I did have a real explanation - no internet at the new house. And then sheer exhaustion. Today I am dealing with symptoms and general ick, but I thought it was finally time for me to write some of the things that have been happening.
I am writing to you from my new home - Xin and I have finally moved in together to a sweet little townhouse. We have our own courtyard where I am growing some pretty plants, and there are already trees established and thriving, including some citrus trees. We even have a little balcony where I have a small lavender plant.
Life here is still falling into a routine, and I feel like I am dealing with it well, but there is a certain urgency to my energy lately that bothers me. Things are going a bit odd at the moment - Centrelink suspending my payments, things getting broken, surges of anxiety for both me and Xin. And it is only writing it now that I realise things are getting cracked open, broken, so that new light can come in.
I have spent a lot of my days feverishly doing things, cleaning, cooking. Yes, I am enjoying these things. I love them and I try to put that love into everything I do. But, somewhere along the way, I have repressed the knowledge that my body can't do things all the time. I have started getting bigger and bigger symptoms, and I have to start recognising them for what they are - warning signs. Little notes and messages from my body trying to let me know that I need to create a routine that not only makes sense for this new life, but that make sense for my own self-care and self-love.
Increasingly I have noticed myself turning towards things like Facebook, writing posts where I subtly (and not-so-subtly) ask for permission to rest, permission to be the way I am. Sometimes this helps, as I remember the support I have. But a lot of the time it simply leads me to feel lost and disconnected, because the fact is that I am asking others for advice about how to live my life. They can't know what it is to be me, and I need to remember that my inner world is just that - inner. Only I can connect to myself and know what is best for myself.
This alarming tendency to ask others for permission is something I am going to try and lessen. I think what would be best is to get quiet with myself a bit more often and figure out what I need. And right now? I need Castle, books, maybe some tea, and food. Oh, and snuggly things.
Love to all who read.
I cannot believe how incredibly wise you are darling. You inspire me.
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