Wednesday, July 29, 2015

This is going to be one of those blog posts where I just sit down and write it out, before my inner critic gets her hands on it (she can be scary).

Oh man, you guys. I am so proud of myself for getting through stuff lately, but also feeling so many things and today am feeling just so, so tired. The glands in my neck, which I now associate almost exclusively with chronic fatigue flare-ups, are pounding with pain, making the bones in my face hurt.

I am just getting over my fourth? maybe fifth cold of this year (three have been super bad), and I thought I was doing okay until I woke up today feeling that bone-deep exhaustion.

I have been testing my boundaries, asking myself questions. Cleaning and sorting all of my stuff is part of that, and I have let go of about 400 books, not to mention three giant bags of clothes, shoes, and bags, a load of bed linen, and many old plush toys. I am working on releasing old documents right now, and then I will move onto the more nostalgic items, like photos. I am confronting so much about myself that I held to be absolutely true and finding that...it's actually not. Things I thought I had let go of are still here - this isn't always bad, and it's making me want to get back into things that I thought I had grown out of.

The next week or so is going to be kind of huge for me. It feels like, because I decided to clear many things out and organise myself properly, the world is going 'oh okay, try this on for size then!'. I have a job interview soon, which will be my first in over three years, and then next week I have another (small) hospital procedure to get through. [I am being deliberately vague here, I am just not ready to share everything yet.] I have a social thing coming up which is a big deal for me, and I am thinking about returning to some old things/starting some new things that appeal to me.

Ultimately this means that I feel cracked open a lot of the time. And I am trying to sit with that, because it is okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel overwhelmed and, in moments of great overwhelm, to want everything to go away. Those things hang around for a while to remind you of what feels right and what feels forced, and then they move on, and you find yourself in a new area.

I am looking forward to that new area, whenever I manage to arrive at it.

2 comments:

  1. I love you so much. I'm deeply humbled by how much changing and growing you've done, and I'm impressed by how you're facing the difficulty of it with such dignity. I'll support you as best I can during the transformative part of your life.

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    Replies
    1. <3 I am doing my best, and I appreciate so much that you are willing to support me through all of this change that is happening at the moment. I love you so much.

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