Thursday, June 25, 2015

What 'burnout' actually means for me at the moment, and why it's still happening.

I mentioned this topic recently, but mostly discusses the different roles that people occupy and how that was influencing my burnout, rather than the burnout itself or why it was happening. This time, I'm going to talk about that a little deeper.

I'm probably going to leave a few things out of this. I'm not sure I want to talk about everything that is going on, or has been going on, but I want to write things out. I'm exactly sure why I feel the need to do this on my blog, but I think a small part of me hopes that by writing about it, it will help other people dealing with something similar.

Anyway, here we go, I guess.

I am having so much trouble at the moment just doing things. Sometimes I get little bursts of energy and motivation, and then I will do something like unload the dishwasher and put the recycling in the bin, and then I will go back to not being able to do very much. And I must admit that during this time I have kind of slipped back into old, unhelpful habits, like telling myself I should be doing more, feeling irritated with myself, and circling my mind repeatedly with the same old lines.

Like I said, it's unhelpful.

And I think it might be part of the reason why I'm still feeling so burnt out.

By not allowing myself the time to rest and recover from everything, the way my body and mind need me to at the moment, I am actually just prolonging this state. It's like when you get a cold - sure, maybe in the first few days you could push through and assume that it will sort itself out, but actually you just make yourself sicker and then you end up needing to rest for even longer than if you had just taken a day off at the very start of the cold.

I feel like I am slipping backwards with a lot of things - my stomach, after months of not much pain, has started giving me pain again. Honestly, I don't think I have actually recovered properly at all from my cystitis, as it will come back whenever it can. I constantly feel like I'm about to get a migraine, and my skin is feeling like it is going to break out at any moment. I feel lethargic, sore all over, and thoroughly depleted.

And yet I can't stop thinking about study and how I haven't done any readings today, or the fact that I have assignments due soon. Somehow the joy of rest has dropped out of my head at some point and I find myself trying to push my body and mind to do things that they just doesn't seem capable of doing at the moment. In this constant struggle of will against body and mind (and, what the heck, spirit too), I don't think anyone really wins.

I know what the obvious answer is - to take some time off to myself. But I feel like it's more than this. I think I need to reboot my approach again, so that I can take better care of myself. Sometimes we have to foresee when things are going to go a bit haywire, and put safety mechanisms in place so that we can go somewhere and recharge after the worst has passed.

I will try and post further about this once I discover more, just so I can have some advice to give myself later down the track, but I'm not sure when that will be.

I hope that, whatever you are doing, it involves a little bit of self-care.

Love to all who read.

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