Friday, April 17, 2015

On trying to stay grounded when you're not sure where your ground is.

There has been a lot going on for me over the past two weeks or so, and so I have neglected my blog (among other things), and find myself returning only occasionally to post, or to check how things are going.

I have been house-sitting with Xin, going to Swancon, trying to catch up on study, dealing with random symptoms (a usual part of my life but nonetheless present), trying to deal with Xin's random symptoms and going with him to emergency when there was a chance something was more wrong than we thought (it wasn't, and yet he still hasn't recovered 100%), and travelling to Canberra for the Aurealis Awards and general touristy stuff with my Dad.

I may write specific posts on all of these things at some point, but for now the thing that is causing me the most consternation is the fact that I am feeling cast adrift a lot lately. It has only become absolutely apparent to me of late, but I realised that I was so very tired of not feeling like 'myself', and trying every single day to just get up and continue on with things.

That's not to say that I was depressed - I would recognise those telltale signs of apathy for things I normally love, that numbness of feeling, that sinking into darkness. This is a thing that has returned to me time and again and, while I may acknowledge that I could be at risk of it happening now, I still feel cheerful and happy to do gentle things most of the time, and so I know that I have not sunk too far as yet.

I realised a couple of days ago that I started this year doing so many wonderful things that I believed in, that I was excited about, that made me feel more like myself. And all of those things have kind of fallen over now. I haven't been swimming in months, my Korean lessons have stopped, I have barely blogged at all this year, let alone reviewed many books or kept up with my reading challenge that much, and my writing? May as well be non-existent for how much I have done.

I have been enjoying myself, though. I have started playing Dragon Age 2 on Xin's PS3 and I am really enjoying it - the intricacies of the characters and the relationships you can form with them is amazing, and the storyline is so close to one of my fantasy novels that I would happily pick up a book version and read it. 
I have tried to spend lots of time with Xin and I feel so happy in my relationship with him.
My mum and I are slowly knitting a blanket-type-thing through knitting little squares that we will eventually sew together, and I am feeling a bit more accomplished in the craft world than I have in ages.
And, of course, with all of the things I have been doing lately, I am meeting people, enjoying new places, discovering new things. 

It's just all a little much now. I came home today from house-sitting and, though I already feel more comfortable being able to get my clothes out of a wardrobe instead of a bag, and getting into my own bed, I still feel disjointed and disconnected. It is making me question what I want to do, and that is a difficult thing to approach for me sometimes. I always thought I wanted to be a published writer - I return to writing time and again and find solace in worlds not my own - and yet, I haven't written in months. And I can't seem to force myself to at the moment.

I feel like some form of inspiration will be coming my way soon, but for now I will just try to inspire myself - to enjoy the new cold that has come through (although we may have a bit more heat soon), to listen to the birds, and to find my restful space again.

Love to all who read.

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