Monday, November 24, 2014

A Distorted View

Often when I have finished a semester's work, or gotten through a particularly difficult period of sickness, I will go into overdrive - trying to do everything that I missed out on doing while I was busy with other things.
I will keep lists of things I want to do once I am 'able to' and then try and fulfill them all at once.
You know what else tends to happen after I get through periods of sickness or work? I get sick again. Because I have pushed myself to do SO MUCH, my body just sits right down in the middle of the road and says 'No. No more.' and no amount of cajoling or encouraging or bribing will get it back up again.
I am at this place right now, sitting in the middle of the road and observing how I react to things. A lot of old stuff has been coming up for me in the past few days - recognition of how much I've been through, and how much I have left to go. Old fears - of my body, my mind, possible futures or losses. Realisations over how many friends I have lost in the past few years, and, in particular, the ones that I have had to let go of this year.
That last point has been needling me for a few days now. It doesn't upset me as much as it used to - lately it is just a gentle 'oh, I miss them' that arises, and a kind of melancholy that hits me. It doesn't help that my subconscious is sending me dreams of these people - people that I haven't even seen in YEARS in some cases - and letting me wake up thinking that I have restored a friendship I thought of as gone.

I think all of this is a reminder from my body and my soul to take things slow at the moment. A reminder of everything I have been through and how I now need to just take time to remember who I am and what I'm striving for - that's all become a bit lost lately in the medical appointments, hospital visits, Uni work and stress, and the other stuff that has popped up this year. I have a few things that I haven't been able to mourn properly yet, and I need to remember that it is my calling to look after myself - not anybody else's calling.

I sometimes fall into this drive to push myself as hard as those around me - it seems like an excellent idea and perfectly normal. Until I realise that when I push myself as hard as they do, I hit the ground twice as hard. This, it seems, is a lesson I may have to relearn over and over.

Anyway, how do you deal with old issues coming up? Do you try to force them away and power through, or do you take a moment to acknowledge them and let them go?

Love to all who read.

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