Thursday, August 28, 2014

On Instinctive Knowing and Other Conundrums

gorgeous picnic times with Xin

People who read regularly, or those who actually know me, may know that I have been getting sick almost every week lately. Not just with my usual stuff - I can generally work through that these days (generally being the key word here) - but with additional things like infections and viruses of every kind.

Surprisingly, I haven't really decided that this whole thing is 'unfair' or anything like that - even though it has been quite a few weeks of getting sick and then getting better only to get sick again. Whenever I talk about it, I just say that it's been really hard/difficult, and leave it at that.

The thing is, I just feel like this is supposed to be happening right now. I don't know why. I feel like I'm supposed to be resting for the majority of the time, and learning how to be without getting too worried or stressed. I am relearning the important things in my life once more.

Don't get me wrong, it's really really difficult. I have been brought low by this so many times, but I give myself a pat on the back for getting back up again. I try to do my best each day - even if my best is just managing to empty the dishwasher. I am proud for doing that activity.

I am trying to give up on comparing myself to others - not just those who have careers and energy to burn, but also those that are 'sicker' than me. I know other spoonies that have terrible pain every day that no one can diagnose, and others that haven't been able to walk unassisted in over a year. I applaud them for their bravery in continuing on, and I send them hope and love that one day they won't have to go through such discomfort. But I try not to compare. Because, yes, I can still walk. And yes, my pain doesn't last all day every day. But it still impacts upon me and my life, and it is hard to get through sometimes.

I had an idea the other day that sprouted from my frustrations about needing someone impartial/sympathetic to talk to, but being unable to give the energy to finding a good counsellor, let alone leaving the house to see them. I wonder if someone could set something up online - like the emergency counselling you can find online - but for people with chronic illness. I want to do that for others. I've had this idea floating around me for months now, and I keep thinking about it, but I'm just not sure if I can pull it off. This is my other conundrum at the moment.

Understandably, my health has not made it very easy for me to study or see people lately. Sometimes I have a glimmer of stress about that, but I have learnt to acknowledge it, realise that it isn't really going to help if I start worrying while I can't do anything, and then return to calm. Things will work out when they can.

Love to all who read.

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