This week marks the first week of Semester Two of uni for me, and I had two classes to attend on Monday. I was already unsure about attending the first one - it started at 9am and I often have a lot of pain and discomfort early in the morning. I had fully intended to go to the one in the afternoon, even though it went for three hours (which is rather daunting to me as a few of my symptoms can be triggered by that much time staring at screens, under fluorescent lights...with stale air and no tea.... >shudder<).
It turned out that I would be going to neither of my classes, as I ended up having migraine symptoms on Sunday night which turned into full-blown 'ouch that hurts' on Monday morning.
This is actually a fairly normal occurrence for me - every two months or so, these days (it used to be more frequent) I get a migraine that can sometimes turn into two or three in a few days. It means I kind of can't look at computer screens for a couple of days, and even reading and tv screens are relatively off-limits, too. I don't think anyone needs me to tell them how much this can disrupt my studying, and my (currently unpaid) vocation. However, I usually can just get past all of that and focus on resting until I feel more stable.
Yesterday, however, I just felt awful. Not just physically, but emotionally, too. I began to feel like this is all that I would have for the rest of my life - never being able to hold down any sort of paid job because I can never know when I will get sick. Having to cancel an appointment and my first two classes just made this feel worse, and I wondered if I would ever be independent and be able to support myself financially.
This worries are something that I carry with me constantly. But some days they are just harder to reason with.
flowers from Xin
It took the liberal application of time and cuddles with Xin, tea, and gentle rest, but I am feeling a lot better. The thing is, I am extremely lucky in this life. Yes, I get sick a lot, and that sucks. But through that sickness I was also given the chance to pursue (gently) what I really want to do with my life. I have been given the ability to look inside myself and figure things out, and really get to know who I am. I have used pain as a catalyst for growth.
I am not going to say that I am grateful I got sick, or that I continue to do so. Because sometimes I just don't feel that way at all. But, thanks to this feeling of illness, I have been able to realise that I just need some time not to push myself forward for a while. Sometimes you can do all you can to try to heal yourself, or move your career forward, or make yourself feel more loved, more grateful, and none of it really works. Sometimes what you need is time just to be, to wait, to watch.
So this is me. Waiting. And giving myself permission to step back for a little while from the need to be something more than I am.