Please note: I started this post on Tuesday evening, but wasn't sure how or what to write. I wanted everything to flow organically, so I allowed myself time to process everything so I could write properly.
I had an appointment today that I have been waiting for since about October. I had been trying to avoid getting hopeful or fearful of the appointment, despite what it could possibly mean for my health and the possibilities of getting better.
I don't really want to talk about the appointment or the specific details of what was talked about, but let me just say that ultimately I was disappointed. There was very little that the person could do for me, and although they were very kind and caring, I felt frustrated and vulnerable.
I managed to keep myself together until Xin had brought me home, but after that I broke down. Twelve years worth of tests, poking and prodding, fear, pain, and countless medical appointments, and it was just all a little too much. I try to remain positive and optimistic about everything that's happening - or at the very least, calm and adaptive - but sometimes I just can't keep doing it anymore. Particularly when something I was hoping would provide answers ends up providing virtually nothing.
I now feel a bit stronger for the experience, but I have to acknowledge that all that pain and hurt came from somewhere - and that was within me. I am still getting triggered quite easily, and feel quite emotionally cut open. The disappointment I felt? That was because of an expectation I placed on the appointment without realising it. I was looking for answers - a way to cut short my fear - and that wasn't coming.
I don't pretend to provide answers for this sort of thing, but I am learning (just like everyone else) and I believe that by sharing my experience I may help others. And so I'm just going to say this: if you feel disappointed, give yourself time to think over it, time to get close to it, time to understand where it's coming from. And then, from there, try to let it's root cause go. Try to unwind and unpick it until you can move on. But don't do it before it's ready. Before you're ready. And allow yourself to set those terms, not anyone else. Because one of the scariest places to go is within.
Love to all who read.