Sunday, October 20, 2013

Deskchair musings: updates and General generalness.

So this week has been all kinds of interesting. I have had to relearn (again) how to be soft and gentle with myself when things aren't going terribly right for me, and that has meant a lot of slow yoga, resting in bed watching things like My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic and Disney movies (and Pixar movies) and listening to old podcasts to do with allowing yourself to be where you are (much more complex than it sounds, I assure you).
I have also been delving back into my spiritual side, which has been largely neglected over the past month or so - I have been meditating, getting out my crystals and oracle decks, trying out some horoscope subscriptions, and I even decided to finally take the leap and get something I have wanted for almost a year now - a drum.

My Toca Drum - a hybrid between a djembe and a doumbek.

Now to some people I guess a drum doesn't seem that spiritual, but I'm not really talking about using it to commune with gods and goddesses or spirits - I wanted a drum as a form of meditation and expressing myself. It took me a really long time to acknowledge that I wanted a drum, and I was going to get one when my birthday rolled around in March this year (my boyfriend was excited to get me one), but as soon as we walked into the store back in March, so many old fears and worries got triggered that I had to hightail it out of there before I went into full-blown panic attack.
The thing is, I started worrying about what people would think of me, what they would start believing about my spiritual habits and my need to express myself in such an unusual (for the crowds I run in) way, that I just couldn't deal with it. At the time, I already felt too different with my health being the way it was - I wasn't strong enough to be who I am.

And now? I guess I still feel those things a little bit. But I am learning to put all those fears and anxieties to the side and just be. And you know what? We went into the drum store yesterday, and we had a little drum lesson and drum circle with one of the guys there, and I felt so excited and happy to finally be doing this thing that I had wanted for so long. I felt really content.

Things are all a bit floopy right now with my health (and yes, floopy is a technical term) - I am not sleeping well at all because my stomach insists that I am allergic to lying down, and I am having to wait until mid-December for my next medical appointment where we move onto the next step of testing. There is a lot of fear and anxiety built into this waiting, but I am dealing with it better each day. (The drum helps.)

To finish, here is a beautiful picture of the setting sun through lavender blossoms that now exists as my phone wallpaper. Love to all who read.



2 comments:

  1. I love you so much. The drum definitely suits you, and definitely helps make everything better.

    I'm glad that you were able to grow into the person you are now (one who was ready to buy an awesome djembek/doumbe), and I'm excited to see the sort of person you'll grow into in the future.

    ReplyDelete

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