This will probably just be a rambling post about recent occurrences, so if you prefer not to read those types of blog posts - avert thine eyes until I can put up another book review!
Yesterday I had an experience that I really don't want to have again. Without giving away too many details, I was in a huge amount of pain and discomfort, close to blacking out, and home alone with no one but my poor dog - who hardly understood what was happening - to keep me company.
Episodes like this have happened before - even some where I've actually passed out - but I've always been around other people. People who would catch me when I fell and would call an ambulance if necessary.
But this time, I was alone. And I found myself even more terrified than the last few times this has happened because of that fact. And it came down to this - I fear painful death. I fear dying alone. And when these episodes occur, the most I can think is usual one phrase at a time over and over - eg. 'no no no no no' 'go away go away go away' or even, as it happened yesterday, 'please let me pass out, please let me pass out'.
I am being brutally honest about this not because I want attention, but because it's something I need to confront. I do not like thinking of my own body as an enemy, but it has come to be such in certain situations. Even after 12 years of being sick, I only sometimes know how it's going to react to certain things. And that terrifies me.
We have very little control in life - we die when it is time for us to die, and sometimes when we think it is not; a multitude of things could happen to us simply between waking up and having breakfast. Try as I might to accept that life is ever-changing, I cannot (perhaps, will not) accept that my body does what it wants.
There isn't a lot I can do about this if I stay as I am. I suspect it is time, again, for change. I need to do something to try and fool myself into having some semblance of control over the level of pain I experience. Even now, I can feel the pain sitting gently within me - reminding me that everything can change from one moment to the next. So, you know what? I'm going to change my mind first, so that I can change my body.
Sometimes staying healthy can seem like a career in and of itself.
Love to all who read my ramblings.