One of the days of self-portraits...
Last night, I noticed how I was going towards the regretful path. I didn't try to stop it, I just observed it happening. Rather than being completely involved in it, I watched the regular pattern - thinking about past friends who are no longer in my life (cue 'Somebody I Used to Know' by Gotye), and other assorted relationships that ended up going absolutely nowhere reaaaally slowly and painfully.
As my mind travelled along these well-worn pathways, I thought about how this tends to happen at night. I thought about how it felt and what I could relate it to. And I realised that it kind of felt like my brain was marinating in this old emotions - much as my brain would marinate in alcohol if I were drunk. It makes it hard to think about anything other than the emotions of the past - they feel so much more present during these times.
And, much like when drunk, during these times I feel the overwhelming urge to contact the people from my past that I feel there is unfinished business with. I have to actually convince myself NOT to contact these people. Because the fact of the matter is that I think I will get some kind of desirable response out of them - one I didn't receive when they were in my life. That would require the person to do a 180 turn in their personality. Ultimately, I have to acknowledge that while I am in this mood, I cannot trust my own perceptions of what ought to be done. Because that time is past now.
I fear that this may have become a bit too much rambling now, so I will sign off here. Just one question though - do you find yourself in this mood sometimes? It seems, even without the assistance of alcohol, I can become overwhelmingly caught up in my own emotions.