A fairly common sight for me.
This two topics of thought swirl around in my mind very often - breaking apart and coming together and a strange and mesmerising dance.
Or, rather than a dance, something that just makes me dizzy and confused.
I am excited by many prospects of working in the 'word industry' - I want to be able to work from home most of the time, but want to be able to work at an office or elsewhere some of the time. I would love to work for a publishing house, or a magazine as a freelance reviewer or writer. I would love to have my creative work published. Mostly, I want to be paid for what I already do - read and write.
With thoughts about working, I call into question my health. My health has (forcibly) become my top priority over the last ten years or so. I occasionally swing wildly from feeling like it is a blessing in disguise,to desperately worrying about what the future will bring. My topic of choice to brood on tonight? A familiar friend, one that goes away sometimes but always returns in the end: is what I have a 'real' illness?
There is so much that can go into that. There is guilt and worry and sadness, helplessness and worthlessness is never far behind. Anger can arise, as can stubbornness and determination. I want to be able to be a person who says 'I don't need a label for my illness to know how to live' and believe it all the time. I fear the critical voice that (not as often, these days) rears its ugly head to point out that most people supposedly recover from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after five years. (The CFS diagnosis was applied to me in 2009, that would mean next year is the golden year.) I fear that I won't get better and I will let everyone down that is relying on this statistic. And yet, I am also strangely scared of getting better.
I have become somewhat accustomed to being sick - to being unable to do as much as other people. Suddenly getting better would be a blessing, but I have to wonder how quickly I will be able to adapt to a new existence that isn't dictated by my lack of energy and my continued unexplainable pains and symptoms.
Yet again, my musings have simply showed me how I am going around in circles on this matter and need to take a break. There is no ultimate answer to all of this - I may never be fit for work again, or I could suddenly get better and just deal with it at that point in time.
Either way, I like to think I'll always keep trying to be a better person.