My new teacup.
I am continually amazed at how I am always learning about the world, about others. About myself.
Things often seem so hazy and caught up in a swirl of everythingness that I just can't help but mix with and not see anything clearly.
And then I have those times of clarity and gentleness and things seem to settle around me, and suddenly I can see again.
Part of this means that I feel disconnected from my body quite a lot. I've noticed that I am more attuned to my body than most people - I notice immediately how different foods affect my digestion, or how bright lights affect my vision. I notice when something is wrong a lot quicker than before.
But I still feel disconnected because, while I may feel what is happening, I don't always understand why.
This results in a lot of unshared emotion being stored in my body when it needs to be released.
Emotions like deep sadness, anger, and fear.
I could say any one of them is the worst of the three, but I don't think that would get me anywhere. I don't wish to condemn these feelings, or stop feeling them altogether.
What I want is to be able to express them so that I stop storing them up and then experiencing a depressive episode because these emotions have not been given their time to be aired.
What happens when I store these emotions is they go into my body and become aches and pains. They go into my mind and become paranoia, irritation, and depression. They go into my emotions and become distrust, disconnection, overwhelm.
I find myself lashing out at those I love most (even if I am able to keep these outbursts to myself by fuming alone) and then immediately feeling guilty, which only adds to my discomfort.
I try to give these emotions space, but this is not something I have ever been taught. I vaguely remember feeling like I need to keep these emotions to myself - to squash them into some small, dark corner and push things on top so that no one can see the negative emotions.
But when something deemed as truly terrible happens, I feel that corner of the room shake, and things begin to fall. I am allowed to air these emotions for a short time - even if they are unbidden.
However, as soon as that event is over, I go back to keeping everything to myself. I speak out occasionally of depression, of discomfort. Perhaps I speak out more often than I am aware.
But that doesn't change anything because those emotions still feel stagnant and rotten within me.
I realised an hour ago that I have begun to distrust the workings of my body again, as I did years ago when I didn't know what chronic fatigue syndrome was. (Some would argue I still don't!)
Things have been happening that I don't understand - things that have made me truly fearful and quite alone.
Some part of me does not want to speak out about this because it might be taken as complaining, as whining. Deep down I feel that I don't speak about my health very often because it makes others uncomfortable, and what would be the point anyway? I do not want advice on drinking concoctions, or seeing certain medical professionals, or going to certain places (I would ask if I did). And yet, another part of me asks - what if you actually talk about it all the time and everyone is sick of hearing about it?
This (particularly nasty) part of myself has been present since I was about 11 years old. And I realise only now that this voice is the one that dictates most of how I act around others in my life.
This voice is the one that forces me to hold back when asked 'how are you?' for fear of burdening others. The one that curses me for making a joke about my health around friends that are clearly not comfortable with my ill-health. The one that questions me on every single sentence that I put on this blog about myself and my life.
Even now I am still not convinced that writing about this will do any good. Or that this voice is fundamentally bad. Surely any voice that comes from within is only trying to look out for me? However misguided it's attempts.
This is not a blog post where I figure out how to deal with things. Because I am still learning. I am always learning - as is everyone. It doesn't have to be a voice that speaks to you about health - it could be a voice that whispers about the way you look, the way you act, or romantic attachments. A voice that questions you at each turn. A voice that asks you who YOU ARE to think that you can follow your dreams.
I am still learning. I am still figuring out how to let go of these emotions - to allow them to be expressed and stop taking up residence in my body. I don't want to be afraid of my own body any more.
I don't know if I will ever get to a space where I can feel comfortable with expressing all my emotions, but I'll always trust that I'll get there. I'll always work hard. And I'll always remember to look after myself along the way.
Love to all who read.