Sunday, May 5, 2013

The difficult things to say.

I think part of the reason that I spend so much time thinking is that I have taught myself to internalise things more than I used to.

I still talk to those I trust a LOT when they're around (honestly, it's like a dam bursting), but it's usually about things like assignments, what I think about current issues in the news, or me trying to process new emotions or symptoms.

I don't really talk about how trapped I feel inside my own body sometimes, or how alone I feel with my symptoms, or how I seem to question myself almost every second day STILL on whether I am being lazy or not.

These are the things that are difficult to say.

There are times when my body feels like the enemy, despite the fact that I work hard at my relationship with it. 'It'. I even refer to my body as a separate entity - sometimes different parts have different personalities. My stomach is particularly sensitive (I used to refer to it as 'scared rabbit'), my back tries to be tough and keep everything together, but often ends up in more pain because of its efforts.

On some days I have so many symptoms - pain throughout my body, a general feeling of heaviness, sore throat, glands swollen to the point of restricting breathing, fuzzy vision, clouded thoughts, and, let's be honest, a general sense of gloom. I am better at cheering myself up despite the physical symptoms, but, for a while, I can feel it.

That sense of being trapped inside a body that doesn't want to do anything other than tend its wounds. That feeling of being trapped, scared, helpless.
Useless.

And then comes the questioning. It stems from the fact that what I have is never defined specifically. Sure, there are labels. Possibilities. There is the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome label that I use to best describe things, but it is not possible to properly diagnose that. It's more of a 'if-it's-none-of-these-other-things-than-maybe-it's-CFS' thing.

There are many questions: is this something I create through anxiety (so I SHOULD control my anxiety better to get healthier)? Am I just being lazy and have convinced myself that I am unwell? Is this all because I ate a piece of bread three days ago?

This is too much for one body (and mind) to deal with. And, when I go down this road, I end up going around in circles. Because there is no right answer here. There is no ultimate resolution for this.

And, while I may sound resigned and depressed in this post, this tends to be a fleeting state these days. I have grown to see the positives with this life I have been given. I have been given the gift of following what I truly want to do, even if it might not be on my own terms sometimes. Even if I have to continue dealing with strange and somewhat unwanted symptoms for the rest of my life, this life has allowed me to realise that I have greater resilience than I ever thought possible.

I have looked all over the place for some sign that someone else lives in the two worlds (that of the healthy and the sick) in the same way I do. But ultimately, no one does. Not in the exact same way and with the same attitude as me. So, I have come to one conclusion, and I will work towards it as much as I can.

I need to inspire myself.

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