Over the last few days I have had the occasional idea for a blog post, but I haven't really followed it. I am unsure why that is, given that I feel my blog is an important part of my life and will continue to be so, but there it is. I write when it feels RIGHT.
When friends ask me what I've been up to lately, I actually don't know what to tell them. Mostly I mention that I've been crafting, reading, and generally doing things that make me happy. Up until a few days ago, that included spending a lot of time with Xin, who has now gone to England for a few weeks. I've caught up with some friends - old and new - and I've been to a couple of gatherings. I have spent time thinking about what I want from next year, and what I want from now. And I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what is important to me.
The blog post I wrote a week or two ago about a family friend's sudden passing stays with me. I have difficulty processing it sometimes, and I continually feel like I should be doing something. I have noticed a return of anxiety to do with loss - Losing people has always been my greatest fear. My mind spends time just before I fall asleep imagining all the terrible things that could happen to my loved ones, and playing them on permanent loop in my head until I distract myself with a book or some music. Sometimes even that doesn't work against the great tidal wave of anxiety that occasionally overwhelms me.
I am doing my best to look at this problem head on, and acknowledge that it exists, instead of brushing it under the carpet and pretending like I'm perfectly fine. (Note: this does not work. Ever.) But I am also trying different techniques, like pointing out the opposite side of a negative thought, or finding things that make me happy so I don't have to think about problems that I actually have virtually no control over.
I have returned to enjoying the small things: receiving an email from Xin, finding a fettucine noodle in with my spaghetti, Bronte snoring in her sleep, and chewing on her paw for no apparent reason.
My turning inward has also indicated something to me - I go through waves of being very unwell every day, to feeling relatively fine every day. Right now I'm in the former option - waking up with stomach pain every day, not eating as well as I perhaps need to because I'm nauseous all the time, constantly feeling dizzy and disconnected because I'm not sleeping well. I like to think I'm taking this with relative good grace - it actually doesn't bother me terribly much most of the time - but I am terribly delirious sometimes, so for all I know I could be complaining every moment I get. (I sure hope not.)
I find it amusing how we relearn certain things about ourselves and our natures over and over again - like realising I actually NEED to go to bed fairly early most nights if I want to operate at a normal function the next day, or that yes, I AM actually pretty allergic to gluten. I often find these repeat lessons rather amusing, and sometimes I wonder if our memory of certain things that are good for us is actually impaired from birth. You have to WORK to remember certain things.
Another rediscovery is that I adore the children's tv show Fairly Oddparents. The humour (mostly supplied by Cosmo) is JUST to my taste and I find myself laughing out loud quite a lot. I know that Xin will also love rediscovering it, too. :)
Well, after that load of rambling, I am going to go look at my NaNoWriMo novel and see if I can finish it. For those that don't know, I managed to get up to a word count of 40,158 but ended up too sick to finish it towards the end. I don't mind - in fact I'm really proud of how well I went. It really felt like I was stepping towards something I've always wanted to do, which was an excellent feeling.
Love to all who read.