Rambling volume 2,131.

Friday, December 14, 2012
Dearest readers,

Over the last few days I have had the occasional idea for a blog post, but I haven't really followed it. I am unsure why that is, given that I feel my blog is an important part of my life and will continue to be so, but there  it is. I write when it feels RIGHT.

When friends ask me what I've been up to lately, I actually don't know what to tell them. Mostly I mention that I've been crafting, reading, and generally doing things that make me happy. Up until a few days ago, that included spending a lot of time with Xin, who has now gone to England for a few weeks. I've caught up with some friends - old and new - and I've been to a couple of gatherings. I have spent time thinking about what I want from next year, and what I want from now. And I have spent a great deal of time thinking about what is important to me.

The blog post I wrote a week or two ago about a family friend's sudden passing stays with me. I have difficulty processing it sometimes, and I continually feel like I should be doing something. I have noticed a return of anxiety to do with loss - Losing people has always been my greatest fear. My mind spends time just before I fall asleep imagining all the terrible things that could happen to my loved ones, and playing them on permanent loop in my head until I distract myself with a book or some music. Sometimes even that doesn't work against the great tidal wave of anxiety that occasionally overwhelms me.
I am doing my best to look at this problem head on, and acknowledge that it exists, instead of brushing it under the carpet and pretending like I'm perfectly fine. (Note: this does not work. Ever.) But I am also trying different techniques, like pointing out the opposite side of a negative thought, or finding things that make me happy so I don't have to think about problems that I actually have virtually no control over.

I have returned to enjoying the small things: receiving an email from Xin, finding a fettucine noodle in with my spaghetti, Bronte snoring in her sleep, and chewing on her paw for no apparent reason.

My turning inward has also indicated something to me - I go through waves of being very unwell every day, to feeling relatively fine every day. Right now I'm in the former option - waking up with stomach pain every day, not eating as well as I perhaps need to because I'm nauseous all the time, constantly feeling dizzy and disconnected because I'm not sleeping well. I like to think I'm taking this with relative good grace - it actually doesn't bother me terribly much most of the time - but I am terribly delirious sometimes, so for all I know I could be complaining every moment I get. (I sure hope not.)

I find it amusing how we relearn certain things about ourselves and our natures over and over again - like realising I actually NEED to go to bed fairly early most nights if I want to operate at a normal function the next day, or that yes, I AM actually pretty allergic to gluten. I often find these repeat lessons rather amusing, and sometimes I wonder if our memory of certain things that are good for us is actually impaired from birth. You have to WORK to remember certain things.
Another rediscovery is that I adore the children's tv show Fairly Oddparents. The humour (mostly supplied by Cosmo) is JUST to my taste and I find myself laughing out loud quite a lot. I know that Xin will also love rediscovering it, too. :)

Well, after that load of rambling, I am going to go look at my NaNoWriMo novel and see if I can finish it. For those that don't know, I managed to get up to a word count of 40,158 but ended up too sick to finish it towards the end. I don't mind - in fact I'm really proud of how well I went. It really felt like I was stepping towards something I've always wanted to do, which was an excellent feeling.

Love to all who read.

1 comment:

  1. I love you so much. It warms my heart to see you exploring your self and seeking happiness so openly.

    May I suggest that you stop spending time in your head and draw your attention to the here and now atall times? I'm starting to get an inkling of just how often I'm off in my own little world and how much I'm missing out on by ignoring the pleasures and joys all around me. I hope you can enjoy the same, every moment of the day, rather than getting stuck into unhelpful thoughts <3

    I love you.


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