I am sitting at my computer, feeling generally more unwell than I have in quite awhile. My stomach is turning and hurting, my glands are pounding out some kind of salsa tempo in my throat, my head aches, and I'm finding it hard to think straight.
And I am supposed to be writing my allocated words for today - for NaNoWriMo. I have not missed a day since it started. That's HUGE. But, tonight, I feel sick and lost and like even the characters in my book are saying 'maybe it's time to rest?'
So, my solution was to log on here and write and think almost-out-loud for a little while.
When I get stomach aches, I instantly go through all the things that I have eaten in the last two days, lining them up and looking at them for anything that may have triggered this. I try not to think of the pain as punishment for eating something my body can't process well, but it's difficult. I enjoy food. And not eating so many different things is so hard.
At this moment, I had an impulse to apologise to anyone who can't eat the things that I can. But you know what? I am not saying that people should feel sorry for me, nor am I saying that other people with less than me are better off, or anything like that. I am just presenting my case.
I want to ask an ask.
I want to experience new magic in my life, during this time of self-decided rest. I want to see the clues, and remember that people out there (general expression for IN THE WORLD GENERALLY) do not think badly of me, nor do they not care. They just aren't in my life every day. They don't know what I deal with every day - they are busy with their own lives.
I want to move through the things that are plaguing me currently, and then find that place of magic, where joy and pleasure and reasons to go WHEE reside. And I want to remember what friendship means to me and what I need to do to move forward with that.
The qualities I want: Joy. Pleasure. Excitement. Rest. Rejuvenation. Wisdom. Love. Humour. Sparkles!
How this could happen: Something will happen. I believe that much. Where it will come from I'm not so sure.
I will be kind to myself, and gentle. I will try to allow my body it's process of processing what is happening, and I will commit to finding the joy in places of familiarity and warmth.
And I will remember that gentleness can come in so many forms and places. I will remember to accept help when it feels right, and not to indulge in silly ideas that they are only being offered out of obligation, but out of kindness, and love.
I feel that I might just write a little bit, and then put myself to bed. Love to all who read~