I am sitting in a soft and squishy chair, outside in the morning sunshine. My earbuds are in my ears, playing to me the sweet sounds of Lisa Mitchell. Bronte is wandering around the garden, listening to the next-door neighbours, sniffing the ground and occasionally coming to sit in front of me like some regal guard dog.
My breath is coming to me easier today.
Last night, I had a mini freakout just before midnight. I read that a writer I follow lost a friend to cancer yesterday, and while I felt sadness for that, I didn't expect it to affect me as much as it did.
I am currently in a place of newness. I am not working. I am not studying. I am spending each day doing whatever I can, or listening to my body intently. This is sometimes amazingly exciting, but at other times I am worried about the future.
I have been missing people who used to be in my life - and I am so tired of missing them.
I have been worrying about whether my writing is good enough to move forward, and this makes me so so sad.
I have been realising that I am still resisting change. And this makes me confused and lost.
I have been thinking that to get more readers on my blog, I needed to write like someone else. To find exciting stories to put on here to encourage people to keep visiting. To be someone else. But, despite the fact that I worry my writing isn't good enough, I am still in love with writing. I am in love with my writing and how I express myself. I adore the action of sitting down with my computer, and producing a symphony of words (I love the word symphony right now!) that others might read.
And, the thing is, I am my own person. No one can offer the world what I can offer. It may be a quieter, gentler gift that I have, but I know that there are people out there that connect with me when I write.
I am tired of trying to be something I'm not. I am tired of doubting my writing ability. I am tired of feeling like I'm in some permanent state of writer's block.
I am taking that next step. I'm focusing on my physical and mental health during this break - and I'm going to add a few things to that 'care list'. My spiritual health. And the health of my writing. I am going to start challenging this idea that my writing isn't 'good enough'. I am going to stop thinking about the 'what if' when it comes to following my dreams. I will follow my dreams, and I will find a way to make things work.
This newness may not come to me instantly. It might take many weeks, months, maybe even years of self-work. But my passion for writing and reading is so precious to me that it's not worth waiting around until someone else convinces me that I'm good enough to be what I want to be.
And I will never fully identify as a writer. That will only be one facet of who I am.
Hi, I'm Bethwyn. I think I'm doing a damn fine job of being Bethwyn.
Love to all who read. <3 p="p">3>