Saturday, August 25, 2012

difficult decisions.

thing is, if I really allow myself to think about things lately, I'm terrified.

I'm happy to keep moving along in my life, meditating and finding peace and joy where I can, but if I look at the bones of my life it's difficult to keep moving.

you know that old saying - at least you have your health? - I don't have that. sometimes my body is on my side, but more often than not I feel like it's rebelling against me. I find it so hard to exist within a body that I adore, and have to feel like it's my enemy.

I don't want to feel that way.

I don't think I've ever wished for a normal life. I've always wished for challenges to keep me focused, passion, joy, and opportunities to show my strength and love.
In many ways, my health has been my challenge...my damnation...and my blessing.

It has taught me so many things that I doubt I would have been able to confront in other situations.

Lately I have spent so much time trying to focus on what I love, what I am overjoyed to have in my life.

I have cried so many tears - waterfalls of sadness, joy, frustration, anger, and both sides of hope - having it, or not.

I have spent so much time fighting change, and then trying to be okay with change. Continually worrying that I am making the wrong choices, stressing over the potential problems that could stand in my way. Terrified of ruining my life and the lives of those around me.

I talk a lot of not wanting to be a burden to others around me, but realistically that may be a fate that I have to come to terms with. I only hope that those I love don't always see me as a burden - that I am able to always show them love and appreciation for their presence in my life.

Over the last week alone I have been stressed to the point of panic, in so much pain that I wanted to curl up into a ball, cried silent tears of sadness and awful wracking sobs of anger and frustration, been shocked and confused about the decisions I have had to make, and nervous about having to change and transform again.

Yes, I am terrified.

Yes, I am overwhelmingly emotional about all that is happening.

And yes, I choose to move forward anyway.

I may make mistakes. I may fall to the ground again. I may get even sicker than I am now. And I may be 'cured' (a word I have a problem with).
But I will meet all of it when I am there. I will meet myself where I am. I will try to stop putting so much effort into worrying about what could happen, and turn my gaze towards cultivating the small happinesses and comforts that I can find now.

I will turn, evermore, towards love.

4 comments:

  1. I would stop asking for challenges, I think you have enough to cope with right now:-) Ask for great health instead.:-) LOve your blog post, well done
    LOve Di

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    1. Thanks Di! I appreciate you commenting <3

      I don't mind a challenge, but perhaps you're right. I need to stop sending out waves of looking for ways to prove myself. I would like to send out waves and ask for prosperity and love. :)

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  2. Ajahn Brahm once said "Every tree in the forest has its place." Or, as another man once put it, "God does not make junk." You are not a burden. You are a human being, full of life and light and love, with something perfectly unique to offer the world that no one could ever replace. And if people choose to see only the worse sides of you, then they don't deserve to enjoy the gift of your company.

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    Replies
    1. I love you. Thank you for the beautiful comment <3
      I will keep your words in mind. I love that - "God does not make junk" XD

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