But I'm not going to change who I am for anyone else.
My choices remain my own. If something seems right to me, and my intuition quietly says 'yes', then I will go after it.
Sometimes I am thrown by the amount of change I am subjected to. I have been putting on a brave face for so long that it just feels normal now. Fake it til you make it - when it comes to confidence and energy, this does work the majority of the time.
But now others don't understand when I say that I push myself every day. Every single day. Some days it's easier than others.
Lately I feel like I tell this to people and they nod their heads with the right amount of sympathy in their eyes. And then we move on to another topic and it's like it flits right out of their brain. The last thing I want to do is become someone that complains about their illness all the time and how everything is the heaviest weight on their shoulders - so why do I keep turning to that?
I had gotten to a point of accepting my illness, as welcoming it as a part of me because that's what I needed to do to survive. And now? It feels like I'm trying to make the right choice for my body and move forward to a place where my body is rested and healthy, and others are pulling me back with complaints of 'but what if you isolate yourself from the world entirely?' and 'you are NOT your illness'. Yes. Okay. Thank you. I appreciate that you care about me and you're trying to help, but when it comes to the end of everything, to the end of all your complaints and suggestions about how to see my world, I am the one who will make the decision.
And I'm tired. I am so very tired right now.