sometimes it's tough to remember why you're doing what you're doing. you get involved in a job or pick up some basic work just to get an income while you figure out how to make your dreams come alive, and then a few months (or years) later you sit back and try to remember what those dreams were in the first place.
days meld together and soon you don't remember when it was that you started imagining this job as your lifestyle. dreams seem so far away.
because I am prone to depression and anxiety, sometimes thoughts like the above can overwhelm me. I feel like maybe I'll never get to do what I really want to, or that all this 'brain fog' that comes with my conditions will stop me from ever moving forward, only backward. It has been years since my tentative diagnosis of chronic fatigue syndrome, and I'm closing in on a year since I began seeing a naturopath.
In the past year, I have written about chronic illness, depression, and mental health on a blog called Tune In Not Out, I have started and stopped writing so many times I can't even count, I have started a new job and a new degree, I have graduated from an old degree and wondered whether I would ever go back to it. I have made the decision that things can't move forward until I put some serious thought into what 'forward' is going to look like. I have discovered things about myself, and realised that I may have a lot more reservations about social situations than I first thought.
And yet, I am still putting one foot in front of the other. I'm getting up every day (a novel experience) and setting out for work each day that my body allows me such a luxury. I am always trying to encourage an optimistic viewpoint, and am actively learning about spirituality and what that means to me.
and you know what? I think I deserve a few hugs for that. When I look back on where I've come from to what I'm doing now, I'm so proud of myself. And sometimes, yes, I get frustrated that I don't get recognition from others of how much effort I put into each and every day. Some days, getting up feels like a most ridiculous task, and yet I'm still doing it (granted, some days I get up and then end up going back to bed, but hey, still counts!).
Think about what you've been doing lately. What can you give yourself hugs for? Making uncomfortable calls? Making decisions? Never giving up? Whatever it is - well done! I am so happy for you and so proud. Because each day can be an adventure, a blessing, and a joy. You just have to see it. <3
Love to all who read <3