lets do this thing. (though I can't believe a whole other week starts tomorrow and I SO don't feel ready for that at all...)
the hard stuff.
Depression made a cursory visit at the beginning of this week, and I had minimal resources to help me say 'please have a cup of tea and then be on your way'. Hard.
Oh so much stuff coming up. Xin was away on camp and uncontactable, my best friend has stuff of his own to deal with so no contact there, went back to missing people that I've had to say goodbye to so many times. So much lonely and pain.
So much stuff coming up, and my body just really saying NO to a lot of things. Work has been great about me not being able to come in, though that opens up a whole other kettle of fish of guilt and awkward and sadness. My body still doesn't seem to know what it's sick with, but it's throwing everything at me. I am almost convinced that my minimal fibromyalgia is coming back and I don't know how to deal with that.
So much pain and sadness around this. Silent retreat on a lot of it.
TRYING TO FIND A NEW PATH
And feeling like I'm already destined for failure.
Oh wow this brought up so much hurt. Trying to figure out why I react the way I do to certain things, trying to work through the pain so it doesn't hurt as much anymore. So much stuck. Old patterns coming up.
the good stuff.
for me! I have been planning little presents for future me and I love past me for thinking of them! Past me rocks.
Coming from different directions. Finding a friend to lean on who DIDN'T MIND BEING LEANED ON. This kind of blew my mind a little and has led to one or two happy heart sighs.
At an event I desperately needed a place away from the noise and the crazyness, and a friend provided it. I am so grateful. Deep deep thanks.
Despite being freaking terrified, I am also super excited to be trying to follow my dreams. Yay having dreams.
This week has made me realise things that I'm super grateful for. Like Xin, and tea, and books, and Ben 10! And... big warm fuzzy jumpers!
Silent retreat on this one but it has something to do with working through my stuck. Equally excited and scared.
I am learning to trust my body and my instincts a bit better. My intuition has been a bit beaten around lately and I am trying to get her to start talking again.
I'm afraid I'm feeling a bit too exhausted to write much more, but you get the idea :) Love to all who read <3